Game of Thrones Recap: "The Prince of Winterfell"

War is coming and this week’s episode of Game of Thrones is the calm before the storm, as all characters prepare for battle.

Theon’s sister arrives in Winterfell, and I love this bitch because she treats him like crap. Yara judges Theon for killing the Stark children and hanging them for all to see. She also calls him a “Dumb C**t.” Warning in advance, “C**t” was the word of the night as three separate characters went on C-word rants. Truly, Theon is the most annoying character on this show. He is basic, boring, pathetic, and he makes Joffrey look studly. That is seriously hard to do. He does not even realize the mistake he has made in killing the Stark boys, and that Robb will kick his ass. Nope he is dumb enough to believe he can beat him. Yara asks everyone to leave to talk to Theon alone. Turns out she is probably the only one who cares about this fool, and tells him to at least consider dying closer to home, because he WILL DIE for all that he has done.

Meanwhile my poor, poor Jon Snow is still being shoved around by that messy ginger girl, Ygritte. She brings him to the Lord of Bones (dude in the skeleton outfit) who wants to just kill Jon. She tells them that he is the son of Ned Stark, and protects him. Now they are even. Do not like this Jon/Ygritte bonding, and YES I know where it’s headed, but I would like to believe my awkward virgin stays away from the ginger…at least until she bathes. Most of the Night’s Watch were killed looking for Jon, and few remain. Great!! This show is so uplifting at times. Couldn’t they have at least died onscreen?! We are ten minutes in and I am already bored

Robb and Talisa are out fetching supplies, and engaging in small talk. Robb doesn’t know who his fiancé is and explains to Talisa how he only swore to marry a Frey girl for control of the family’s bridge. That bridge is a real pain in the ass. These two have really boring conversations about war. Seriously this is the same conversation that they always have. Dear Talisa….he wants REVENGE, that’s it! What is so hard to understand? Yes it sucks innocent people are dying but really Joffrey would have killed them all anyway in the bedroom. The pair are interrupted as a messenger tells Robb that Jaime Lannister has escaped. Oooooooooooo.Catelyn. What. Did. You. Do.

Mama Stark got some ‘splainin to do!!! Robb is furious to learn Catelyn let Jaime escape as a means to get her daughters back. This is why I cannot stand Mama Stark. One minute I love the lady for her banter, and then the next minute she acts like a complete dumbass. I do not judge her for wanting her children freed, but you have NO IDEA IF THEY ARE EVEN ALIVE!! Also, stop changing Robb’s diaper and let him pull off his Pampers like a grown man. She interferes and makes hasty decisions. No me gusta Mama Stark! Robb orders a guard to watch Catelyn night and day since she just became a traitor. That sound you hear everyone is Robb growing a pair.

Brienne is walking Jaime through the woods towards King’s Landing. Jaime keeps calling her ugly and boring. Well he really isn’t wrong. Watching him bully her is actually the most entertaining thing that’s happened so far. Can they get their own webseries? The banter is fabulous.

Tywin learns that Stannis is headed for King’s Landing to take the Iron Throne from Joffrey. Yes that throne he has a better claim to than the Incest brat. Tywin is going to set out to prevent all this from happening and leaves Arya in the charge of the remaining officer. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! This means no more weird older guy and little girl bonding??!! Way to rip the rug out from under me already. Arya runs back to her friends and asks Gendry and Hot Pie if they have seen Jaqen. Let’s face it, Jaqen gets s **t done.

Jon is still getting shoved around. Poor bastard. Well literally and figuratively. As much as I love him……..Boring.

Tyrion is trying to plan a line of defense for King’s Landing, and Bronn is of no help. In fact, Bronn is doing his nails because they have gotten dirty. FINALLY someone caring about their beauty maintenance and it is Westeros’ first metrosexual named Bronn!  Listen, this entire conversation about how to defend the city was again BORING, and basically they are surrounded by pig s**t…….So to recap: Stannis has the edge over them completely, which probably means they will defeat him because they are being led by Tyrion, aka IMP THE PIMP.

In other news Fat Sam is still alive. Everyone please calm down and maintain your excitement. He is still where they left him though, not like he was in any danger. While digging, he and two men discover dragon glass. I am going to go out on a baby dragon limb here and guess that this is important. Unfortunately I am just as clueless as anyone else who hasn’t read the books. Okay I might have wikipedia’d s**t and know what this means but I am sworn to secrecy, aka HBO might change s**t and then I look like a moron. I am only human!!

Arya doesn’t find Jaqen, he actually finds her. He refuses to help her in her cause, but maintains that he WILL kill whomever she names as the third person. Arya names Jaqen as the third person she wants killed. Jaqen is taken aback that Arya would suggest he kill himself, but she says that she will only un-name him if he helps her and her friends escape. Where was this smart little bitch when I was in school?!?!?! Seriously, can I be Arya’s best friend and we just go around outsmarting people and then killing them or ruining their lives? Jaqen has no choice but to agree to Arya’s wishes, because the poor guy doesn’t want to kill himself. He also has stink face that this little girl outsmarted him. It’s going to be okay Jaqen, she is smarter than all of us and takes no prisoners in her Head Bitch in Charge training courses.

Cersei and Tyrion are doing some more sister/brother bonding…..in the platonic sense, don’t worry. Cersei is just not into short relatives, just the tall ones.  She is bitter Tyrion is so quick to send Joffrey off to battle. Tyrion tries to explain Joffrey would be well protected and that Joffrey needs to make an appearance as a leader of men, but Cersei just isn’t having it. She is convinced that Tyrion is using this whole war to kill Joffrey and assume control of the throne for himself. What? Is she really this stupid? Tyrion would never sit on that ugly throne, he has better taste. Plus Bronn would totally have to redecorate the entire castle because the lighting is terrible. Cersei tells Tyrion she knows about the whore that Tyrion is in love with. Tyrion appears nervous that Shae has been captured, and Cersei is aware that he cares for her. If anything happens to Joffrey, Shae will be killed. One little snag to Cersei’s plan though is that the whore in question that she had beaten IS NOT SHAE!! Yes this got confusing, but what it all comes down to is there was a huge “Whore Mix up” situation.  This whore is the one who works for Baelish, and had to beat another prostitute up for Joffrey. Cersei. Cersei. Cersei. YUSOSTUPID?! Why are all the women being dumb this week? I cannot handle it. Tyrion is relieved and runs to be with Shae. It really is love. Awwwwwww Imp the Pimp.

Robb and Lady Talisa……..JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY! Enough with the shiny eyes and the charming proper and polite foreplay! Talisa tells him the story of how she became a nurse. She found her brother drowning, and when she pulled him from the water he was not breathing. She was mad he was dead, and a slave came running up, shoved her out of the way and saved her brother’s life. Apparently they had CPR back then, who knew? It was this day Talisa decided that she wanted to live in lands free of slaves and to be a nurse. I don’t know about you guys but apparently that story was a turn on. Robb quickly announces he doesn’t want to marry the Frey girl, and FINALLY THESE TWO HAVE SEX. God I need a cigarette. Not because the sex scene was any good……just because I am frustrated it took so long. Let’s take a moment of silence for that poor bridge, who just royally got screwed over. Oh and this means Robb just broke the Frey treaty which means….we got problems folks!!

Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie are looking to escape, and little miss just strolls right up to the front. Arya seriously gives zero f**ks and it is truly amazing. All the guards are dead…….is Jaqen a ninja? Is that his secret? He is way cooler than the ninja on Revenge that’s for sure. And if you do not watch that show, watch it….and YES there really is a ninja.

Oh look it’s Stannis. He on a boat. He’s been on that boat for two weeks? Seriously?! And how did he get rid of Melisandre? How do you cut out that conversation? The lady gave birth to a flying shadow killer baby and you want me to believe they didn’t have a “chat” before he ditched her? Oh Hellssss Nawww. Well blah blah blah more boring stuff with Stannis assuming he will defeat Joffrey and his forces. Once he has done so he will make Davos the Hand of the King. Am I the only one who doesn’t think this title is as fun as it sounds? Seriously it’s stressful and you might lose body parts.

EWWWW what is that thing? It’s gross and all over my screen. Oh it is just Joffrey. Joffrey is being an arrogant little prick as usual and says he will kill Stannis. Yeah. Right. Ten bucks says he either pisses himself or s**ts himself in battle. By battle of course I mean from the high vantage point he never leaves since he can’t handle his penis let alone a sword. Again MORE battle stuff. OMG I am a girl and I hate this s**t! If Stannis breaches the gates then Tyrion says the game is over and they lose. Tyrion also mentions that Dany is not a threat yet. This is the first stupid thing Tyrion has said, but he is right as far as what his priorities are first. Stannis is the immediate threat, and not Dany and her baby dragons. Maybe when the dragons are toddlers they will take her more seriously.

Alas, poor Dany. Her dragons are still missing, she didn’t go running after the Creepy Bald Dude, and her hair still looks fierce. Jorah wants to leave, but Dany states, “A mother does not flee without her children.” BOOM. You do not ditch the baby dragons, whatchu talkin’ about Jorah? He is adamant that he lives to serve her, and all she has to do is caress his cheek to get him to stay. That is how it is done bitches!!! Save the babies!

Theon, ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. He wants to bury the bodies of the Stark boys. HOWEVER, those dead crispy bodies are NOT the Stark boys, THANK GOD! Theon and his men killed two random farm children and passed them off as the young princes. Meanwhile, Osha is hiding the boys under the city where they do not know that they have been “killed.”

Now what??!!?! Where the hell will Arya and her friends go? Is Dany getting her baby dragons back this season? Is Robb going to do the “I just had sex” strut? Will Jon get away from the dirty Wildlings? Who will win – Stannis or Joffrey? Tune in next week because the WAR. IS. HERE. ………Took them long enough. Kill ’em all!