TV Recaps

Game of Thrones Recap: "Blackwater"

After weeks of preparation, battle tactic discussions, and deadly shadow babies… WAR IS HERE in the Memorial Day Weekend episode of our show. 

Stannis and his troops are still making their way to King’s Landing. Okay this is one long ass cruise. He has been on that boat for what feels like 4 weeks. The poor men below deck are all puking, and nothing gets a party started like puke. Any conversation that centers around killing Joffrey and putting his head on a stick is a winner in my book. Unfortunately I do not think a stick would hold up Joffrey’s massive head full of air.

Tyrion and Shae probably just had some sex but we didn’t see it. The two lovebirds are discussing the war, and how Shae won’t let anyone hurt him. Wow. Imp the Pimp must really know how to lay down the pipe. When a hooker will die for you…….you are pretty special. The girl already gives freebies!

While Tyrion is with his loved ones the night before battle, Cersei is making drug deals. Love her priorities. The Lord Maester gives her some nightshade. Not to be confused with shade that is thrown at night, nightshade is the classy version of cyanide. If they should lose the war, Cersei can kill herself by drinking the entire vial of nightshade. If I had nightshade I would be making Joffrey or Theon a cocktail, but that’s just me.

Bronn is also living it up. I love war sometimes because people have the best pre-war parties: Tyrion having sex, Cersei making drug deals, and Bronn getting wasted and singing the House of Lannister song. The party is going really well with the flow of alcohols and the hookers……until the Hound shows up. Can you say Debbie Downer?!  The Hound is judging Bronn for “f**king and singing.” I am confused here myself. What else are you supposed to do before you might die? If it ends up being the Hound vs. Bronn, I am on Bronn’s side for now. He might be smaller than the Hound, but he knows how to party.

Stannis’ fleet is approaching and the bells of King’s Landing start ringing…..OMG that cannot be fun with a hangover, no wonder they keep drinking. Tyrion is getting fitted for his armor and I think he looks adorable in his mini soldier suit. Tyrion also outed Lord Varys (that bald fat dude who looks like he just came out of the shower), who doesn’t really love the suggestion that Tyrion has just made. Actually it sounded more like Varys likes little boys, which just made this whole thing perverted and can we get this creep away from small children?!  Despite the insults, Varys vaguely discusses his past with the Lord of Light people, and believes that Tyrion is the only man that can stop Stannis. Awwwww, that is because Imp the Pimp is a genius. Bronn and Tyrion even have a manly ‘we are friends so don’t die” speech. Leave it to the two metrosexuals on the show to form the ultimate bromance.

Sansa will pray for Tyrion’s safe return from battle just as she will pray for Joffrey. Um. Hmm. Why does this sound not so reassuring?  Stop the presses everyone…JOFFREY GOT A NEW SWORD!!!!!! You can actually see the packaging he ripped off of it in the corner. Joffrey loves his sword, and by the way he is swinging it around you can tell he probably doesn’t know how to use it….or his penis. Joffrey wants Sansa to kiss his sword………….EWWWW. I do mean his real sword, and not anything else, but the thought of this having a double entendre is making me ill. Sansa is confident that Joffrey will return because “the worst ones always live.” Okay at least she is getting smarter, but I still cannot stand this girl. She’s the crappy Stark.

So thus begins the battle of Blackwater. Joffrey is waiting nervously and already crying that he doesn’t understand their strategy. Dude…NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET CALM DOWN. Tyrion is making him look bad, but honestly that is not really hard….like Bronn, :::rimshot::: Sorry I had to make a penis joke, this s**t is tense. Stannis’ boats are arriving, and Joffrey is still wondering where all his boats are. Oh. My. God. Someone muzzle the kid, Tyrion is clearly the brains behind this entire thing.

The womenfolk and children are all locked away for their own protection. Sansa has no idea why she is there since she thinks Cersei hates her. Sansa, Cersei probably does hate you…..but you are so pathetic that it’s nice to have you around to point and laugh at. Cersei is locked up and employing the greatest war tactic ever….She’s getting s**tfaced. The woman might be a bitch but at least she is smart enough to get wasted when everyone is miserable. Also, if I were locked up in a room with all those basic chicks….OMG I NEED WINE JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS SITUATION!!

Back to the battle, where Tyrion has sent out ONE, yes count them ONE ship to do battle with the other ships. What the other side doesn’t know until it is too late is that this one ship is empty and filled with WILDFIRE!!!! Boom. Wildfire might be the most amazing fictional killing substance in the world. It’s green folks, GREEN! All of Stannis men are blowing up and are on GREEN fire!! How do I get some Wildfire? Seriously some people on Twitter and Facebook can use some. Despite the Wildfire, Stannis is still set to attack on land.

Sansa is praying………………..OMG when will I ever like this girl!!! I cannot take it. How terrible is it that I relate to Cersei right now?! I don’t even like my male relatives!! Cersei finds the praying obnoxious, pointless, and BRING MORE WINE!!! Cersei thinks she should have been born a man, so she could be in the battle and not listening to these women be basic. Not for nothing but man or no man, Cersei already has bigger balls then her own son. Cersei explains to Sansa that a woman’s best weapon is between her legs. Should they lose, she will basically have to get her vajayjay out to non-family members. Oh the horror! This might be the greatest peptalk ever!!! She’s letting all the women know they are going to get raped, pillaged, and they better get ready to have some post-war babies. If I was on the receiving end of this speech, I’d ask her to pass the Jesus juice and get me a sword.

Joffrey is pooping in his Pampers, and Tyrion is leading the battle. Thousands of men are dying, The Hound is taller than everyone and swinging his sword around like a baseball bat. Ser Lancel got shot with an arrow and ouch that looked like it hurt.

Cersei just noticed Shae, and she’s suspicious of her already because the girl cannot curtsy. Luckily for Shae they are interrupted and Lancel informs Cersei of news from the battlefield. She wants Joffrey taken out of the battlefield and to hide with the women. So she wants her son to be even more pathetic than he already is. She shoves Lancel right in the spot where he got shot and storms out of the protective compound.

The Hound is busying fighting when he sees a man of fire and stops fighting completely. He is about to be attacked when Bronn saves him. It appears the Hound is having some PTSD or a moment of clarity and he retreats. He needs a drink, and wants wine, not water. Tyrion is wondering what the hell he thinks he is doing, and orders him back to the battlefield. The Hound explains that his men are dying, and everyone can go f**k themselves. F**k the king! F**k the city!!! Basically he refuses to die for people he does not care for or for a cause he doesn’t believe in. Who would of thought this guy would be the first to retreat?! I mean really….

Tyrion wants Joffrey out there fighting to boost the men’s morale. Lancel delivers the news Cersei wants him protected. Joffrey thinks his mother really needs him. What a little sniveling, cowardly prick. Tyrion will lead the attack. SAY WHATTTTTTTTTTTT???!!!!! The men are ready to surrender, but Tyrion stirs up the men with a powerful speech and they all charge into battle.

Sansa is calming the remaining women and she wants to sing a hymn. I need to breathe because I am going to climb into the screen and strangle her. Shae tells her she should take the opportunity to run to her room and bar the door. She wants Shae to come with her, but Shae says she needs to say goodbye to someone first and shows Sansa she has a dagger to protect herself. Sansa gets to her room and finds the Hound there. He offers to take her away with him and bring her home to Winterfell. Oh so he is a nice guy?! He seems to have a crush on the little basic dove. However, why would she want to go to Winterfell when Theon has control of it? Yeah these people are slow. She refuses his offer and says that Stannis will not harm her. The Hound should of just knocked this dumb bitch out and carried her out of there.

The men are chanting HALF MAN!!!!!! Okay Imp the Pimp would have been way cooler. As the men are celebrating, thousands of Stannis’ men are charging towards them. Tyrion thinks he is royally f**ked, and a soldier slashes his face with his sword.

While this is happening, Cersei and Tommen are sitting on the Iron Throne. She tells her son a story as we see flashes of the battle of Blackwater. Tyrion has fallen to the ground and watches as men die. Cersei prepares the nightshade for herself and Tommen, and men storm into the room. Guess what? Stannis is physically restrained by his men and forced to retreat, because TYWIN LANNISTER HAS ARRIVED and they have defeated Stannis.

Well that entire ending gave me goosebumps! The Lannisters are victorious!!! Sansa is screwed!!! What will happen next week when Jon, Dani, and the remaining Starks return to our screens??! Get ready for next week’s huge season two finale!!!

As an added bonus for those of you interested, a fantastic version of the Lannister’s song: “The Rains of Castamere” played at the end of the show. You can find this fantastic cover by the band, The National here:

About the author

Amanda Drago

Amanda Drago is a writer at TVSource Magazine. Also known as “Hot Mess Mandy”, she's fan of sarcasm and snark with a Bachelor’s Degree in handling the “cray” and a Masters in real talk. Huge fan of soaps, reality TV, and really any well written show that can handle her short attention span. Usually the trashier the show, the better. Follow her on Twitter at @HotMessMandy