TV Recaps

‘Game of Thrones’ Season Premiere Recap: Valar Dohaeris

I’m backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Sorry I just had to do it folks! It’s finally here the season 3 premiere of Game of Thrones!!!!!

Season 3 kicks off right where we left off in last year’s finale: We have Ice Zombies people. I know what you are thinking, no this is not some Walking Dead bullshit, but yes we have some cold dead people. Whilst I love a good zombie, I think my favorite walker is the one that is the shade of a robin’s egg blue. I mean he just looks like the flawless leader of the bunch.

Forget about the walkers though because really all that matters is my Jon “I would STILL do him in a pile of” Snow. And I get the strange inclination that we might just actually see him naked in some snow this year – :possible spoiler alert: Jon is faking his allegiance to the Wildings and is brought before Mr. Large and Tall himself, Mance Rayder (new addition to the cast, Ciaran Hinds).  So Jon gets questioned for a while to prove himself to Mance, but let’s get to the real issue here….when does Jon ditch the black shit and put on a sexy fur?

Tyrion, my little Imp the Pimp, is still alive, but disfigured. As if he didn’t have enough problems being a short stack. Cersei, remaining ever so c**tish, thinks Tyrion is still a threat to her and her little bitch prick of a son. This blows more than that whore Shae. Tyrion did everything last season and gets shit for risking his life. To make matters worse, he meets with his father. If there was a medieval version of Maury Povich, sign up Tywin Lannister for a paternity test because that dude wants one. Tyrion wants to be rewarded for his service by being given his birthright: Casterly Rock. In terms of Westeros, I believe Casterly Rock to be the Beverly Hills 90210 of this part of the world. Since Jaime is a knight he forfeits all rights to inheritance, making Tyrion next in line. Tywin refuses to give Tyrion his birthright because he is embarrassed to call him his son. Tyrion is nothing more than some creature that killed his mother and sleeps with whores………What’s the problem? I mean that’s at least a fabulous conversation starter at parties.

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Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Sir Davos is still alive. So you are probably like who? But remember that guy that was helping Stannis but they kept calling him the Onion guy, and he seemed real nice? Yeah that’s Davos. Davos….well he has a sunburn. No really, someone should get that checked out because it’s looking second degree burnish. He is rescued and gets the best recap ever that Stannis lost the battle, retreated to Dragonstone, and Melisandre (the evil ginger who spreads her legs and black smoke comes out) is killing anyone who pisses her off. When Davos visits Stannis, he sorta kinda maybe tries to kill the ginger bitch and gets locked up. In fairness most people want to kill gingers…it’s a natural instinct.

Robb Stark. Still hot. Still a newlywed. Still a naïve king. Still a momma’s…..Oh no scratch that, the boy done grew up and threw his traitor mother in a cell for setting Jaime Lannister free. Bye Bitch.

Sansa meanwhile continues to just annoy the crap out of me. When prostitutes are judging you….Girl you are boring. If Shae stabbed her right now, I would let her live forever. Baelish offers to help Sansa escape from King’s Landing. Baelish remains that creepy uncle that we all have but never acknowledge. He looks like he wants to dry hump the girl and then lock her in a basement cell while calling her Catelynn. Even the whores are creeped out by him and worried about Sansa’s well being. Luckily I don’t….

However, I do love me some soon to be Queen Margaery Tyrell. Girl goes from being married to a gay guy to being betrothed to a whiny little asshole, but the important thing is that she looked good the entire time! Margaery is walking about town like she owns it and visiting the townspeople offering any help she can give.  Cersei is one pressed bitch about this. Margaery insists she loves doing acts of charity, but Cersei is giving her the side eye. Joffrey is displeased with his mother, and favors Margaery…something that might be an issue throughout the season. Cersei will obviously be annoyed by Margaery’s growing popularity, but this is what Cersei gets for uncrossing her legs and giving birth to the bastard Damien child.

Breaking News!! Head Bitch in Charge Update!!!!! Queen Daenerys has arrived, flawless as usual. The Dragons are now preteens. Quite frankly I am worried about them being impressionable, but perhaps that is explored in another episode. Jorah remains pressed that Dany won’t sleep with his old ass. Dude, get over it. Dany is looking to build her army, and meets with a rude Valyrian trader, who offers her 8,000 warriors known as the Unsullied. Girl, 8,000 men + you….I say go for it. I wouldn’t sleep with the one who lost a nipple, but whatever floats your boat. So while Dany ponders this offer, she starts playing ball with a little girl. Only it’s not really a little girl but a warlock trying to kill Dany with some random CGI monster thingy. A hooded man saves her from the creature, and the warlock escapes. The hooded man is none other than recently fired Barristan Selmy (the old dude that threw his sword at Joffrey when he got fired from the King’s guard).  Selmy asks Dany for her forgiveness as he betrayed her family to serve King Robert. He now offers her his service, and Jorah remains a pressed bitch.

Is Dany going to accept this offer from a traitor? Where the hell is Arya, how do you do a premiere without Arya? Can we veer away from the books and kill Sansa (I had to try here)? I know winter is coming but what kind of fucking summer is this? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones.

About the author

Amanda Drago

Amanda Drago is a writer at TVSource Magazine. Also known as “Hot Mess Mandy”, she's fan of sarcasm and snark with a Bachelor’s Degree in handling the “cray” and a Masters in real talk. Huge fan of soaps, reality TV, and really any well written show that can handle her short attention span. Usually the trashier the show, the better. Follow her on Twitter at @HotMessMandy