Between all the wedding talks, torture scenes and the wrestling with bears, this week’s episode of Game of Thrones, “The Bear and the Maiden Fair,” was really f–king weird but awesome.
Jon and Ygritte look different without snow. Is it just mean or do they need to consider tanning now? Talk about pasty, the greenery does nothing for you girl. So Jon still “knows nothing,” and Ygritte is the damn know it all. Orell (aka Pirate guy) has to serve these two naïve little bastards some real talk. He explains to Jon that he will never be like them, and will never get to keep Ygritte. He later tells Ygritte that she should be with one of her own, meaning him. Dude, you ain’t pretty. Jon then has to have some real talk with Ygritte and explain that the Wildlings will never win the war. They will fail like they always do because their army is weak and she will die. Ygritte is like, hey f–k that we are both dying. He belongs to her and if she dies, he dies with her. Jon, get the f–k out of there while you still can. This bitch is clingy and evil. Run, it’s a stage five ginger clinger!!
Robb and his crew are heading to the Frey’s place for the wedding. Turns out they are really late, and Caitlynn is not pleased. She warns them all that you cannot piss off Walder Frey AGAIN, when they have insulted him already. Robb does not seem to think it’s a big deal because he is too busy banging his wife, Talisa. Random side note, in the books her name is Jeyne, and this shit is getting really confusing when I am watching the show and she’s a completely different person. Could it not have at least started with a “J”? Way to confuse me writers. Anyway they are having their sex and we see Robb’s butt *drifts off* Okay I am back from my fantasy. Talisa is writing her mother in Valyrian, because all the cool kids speak that language. Talisa informs Robb that she is pregnant and will give him little princes and bitch I do not believe it and get her an EPT stat.
Sansa realizes that she is stupid. This would be groundbreaking if she didn’t always say that she is stupid, thereby always acting stupid to cancel out each realization. If she read this sentence she would still be stupid and not get it. Margaery wants Sansa to be happy and thinks she should just make the best of her circumstances. She thinks she should give Tyrion a chance, but I think Sansa is confused as to how Tyrion can get his penis inside her, and get past the fact that she is just not into him. Listen, he is a little cutie you ungrateful little brat. The gay guy would never sleep with you, so do not even try it. Also, Margaery clearly is not a virgin, so proceed with your stupidity elsewhere and take advice from the good looking head bitch in charge to your left. Thank you.
Bronn tries convincing Tyrion that marrying Sansa is not the worst thing in the world. I don’t blame Tyrion for being nervous about this. Bad enough he is a dwarf and everyone thinks he is a freak. Now they will think he is a pedo with a tall girl fetish. Tyrion has no choice and has to go through with the wedding. Shae is not pleased about this turn of events. Know what this means? WHORE UPDATE!!!!!! Shae calls herself a funny whore. Tyrion has to marry Sansa, but he will always love Shae and she will always be his lady. Shae realizes she is just a whore who he will replace when he gets bored. Whore update OVAH! Anyone in need of an out-of-work whore?
Joffrey and Tywin have a little meeting. They talk about council meetings, and Dany (hey girl hey) and you know King shit. It takes him a few minutes but Joffrey is realizing that he is not really the King, and his grandfather is. He is not consulted about anything, and he literally knows nothing. Tywin standing above him in the entire scene showed the dominance and control this man has over everyone, including the King. Also was it just me or did Joffrey look like a little kid on a huge sofa sitting on that throne? Either way, Tywin is running everything and ruining everyone’s lives in the process.
Someone he is not ruling over…Queen Dany of course! Dany wants to overtake the city of Yunkai, because the bitch can do what she damn well pleases. There are slaves there and she wants to free everyone!! She’s like the Westeros Oprah, and you get a car and you get a car and you get a car! She meets with a Yunkai ambassador whose name is so long that I did not pay attention to it, and really do you care? Yunkai dude does not want a war. He offers her gold and ships so that she will just leave and get the hell away from their town. Dany is not pleased, because this dude is rude. He’s all like “we know people,” and you do not insult a bitch in front of her dragons. The dragons are about to set fire to this pressed asshole, and she turns down his offer but keeps the gold. Oh yes she did!
Melisandre tells Gendry that he is the son of the dead King Robert. At least it wasn’t Maury Povich telling you that.
Arya has had it with the Brotherhood of Blech, and runs away….straight into the arms of the Hound. Why can this girl never get a break? I mean really talk about shit luck.
Bran. Still alive. Still Boring. Osha and Hodor would be more interesting if they were given the opportunity to smother him with a pillow. Thanks.
Theon gets some visitors…Two girls and one cup. What? It really was two girls with one cup. He is highly suspicious and terrified of these bitches, and who wouldn’t be suspicious of two girls who randomly decide to play with your penis? Oh look he gets a threeway. This is just fun times. The fun ends when Ramsay comes in and Theon’s suspicions were correct. This was all a set up just to torture Theon some more. Theon is very proud of his penis, and Ramsay knew about that, and now wants to take his penis away from him. Thank. God. They. Cut. Away. Okay. Okay. It happened. I feel bad for Theon that he lost his penis. I mean….you win, ouch, ugh. I REALLY CANNOT BELIEVE HE JUST LOST HIS PENIS!
Jaime visits Brienne to tell her he is leaving. Does she really have to wear that stupid dress? It’s so demeaning. I mean light red is clearly not her color. So Jaime gets to leave and Brienne is shit out of luck too. Between Arya, Gendry, Sansa, Tyrion, Theon and ALMOST EVERYONE, who does not have bad luck on this show? This shit gets worse and worse, and if I were them I would just volunteer to die at this point. On his way back to King’s Landing, Jaime learns that Brienne will be killed. He returned to Harrenhal where he finds that they have put Brienne in a pit with a bear. Yes, you read that right. Not only did someone lose a penis in this episode, but we got a legit bear fight. Some interesting factual notes: while Brienne is very tall, the bear is taller. Clearly the bear has the edge here and he gets in a few good whacks on her. Jaime jumps in and has her pulled out of the pit. Brienne then pulls Jaime out, and dammit I wanted to see someone go head to head with the bear! Jaime explains that Brienne is not staying, and is leaving with him. Too bad he lost his hand, because all of that should have come with a finger snap at the end.
Did Theon really lose his penis? Will Dany go to war with the Yunkai people? What is Melisandre going to do with Gendry? Are there going to be bachelor and bachelorette parties any time soon? When can I see Robb’s butt again? Can we get that bear to eat Bran?
Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones!