‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap: Is Hanna’s mom off the hook? Will Aria and Ezra reunite?

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Photo Credit: ABC Family

The liars danced their hearts out at Rosewood High’s Hoedown, but it wasn’t all fun thanks to some serious relationship shakeups and typical A antics.

This may or may not be my best work when it comes to recapping Pretty Little Liars. I’ll take the blame – or rather my immune system will – since I’m severely under the weather and watching this show didn’t necessarily make me feel better. Warning: snarky and unforgiving comments below.

Lieutenant Tanner tells the liars that the local PD is still investigating the wreck. When sorting through the wreckage, the police found a muddy shoe! It’s actually kind of a big deal because the shoe matches a shoe from Wilden’s crime scene… you know, the pair Hanna got rid of. Uh, oh.

Meanwhile, Paige and Emily are focusing on being together while they can be together. Or not really. Their relationship is confusing. Or something. Anyway, Emily has a recommendation later from Zoey for college and Paige is all OMFG SHE IS THAT INTO YOU. Emily is all OMFG SHE IS NOT ALL THAT INTO ME. And I am bored.

Emily is struggling with Paige’s badgering about the hoedown – girl cannot take a hint – and suddenly has a flashback to Alison painting her toenails and telling her to break up with her boyfriend, Ben. Alison tells her that she deserves better than Ben and she can’t stick with him for the rest of her life because he’s boring and basic. She’s happy to break up with Ben for her, which will be better than the time Alison broke up with someone else’s boyfriend for them and the guy pulled a gun on her… Wait?! What?!

So naturally this is motivation for CeCe killing Wilden since they dated and she probably couldn’t get him to break it off with her. Or something. I never understand teenage girl logic. Meanwhile, CeCe is yelling at someone on the phone and she has a redcoat and all that jazz.

Aria is also dealing with some relationship nonsense of her. Ezra is all I’m tall and handsome and not a dad. Jake is all I’m tall and handsome and not a dad, too. She asks Jake to the hoedown because taking a teacher at your high school is so totally not an option.

While she’s asking Jake out, Emily meets with Fitz, who is all scruffy and confused about life because he let his high school girlfriend convince his girlfriend at the time (who was a high school student herself) that he was a daddy. Next time, ask for receipts, Mr. Fitz. Geez!

Ezra isn’t here for any of Emily’s college nonsense – and is anyone?

Eventually Aria runs into Ezra at the coffee shop. He’s so scruffy and hot and I just get lost in the scruff over and over and over again. He so desperately needs to tell her about his non-existent child, but she’s on a coffee date with Jake. Burrrrrn! Jake surprises Aria with cowboy boots – a legit gift because have you ever priced cowboy boots? – SO expensive.

Guess what? Hanna is also struggling in the romance department this week. She’s too worried about her mom going to prison to want to go to the hoedown dance. An envelope full of money appearing in her locker doesn’t ease her worries, especially when it’s probably from a creepy yet totally attractive guy who’s been watching her at school. Hanna is not happy that this guy made it rain in her locker.

The money sends Spencer reeling and she’s all OMFG TOBY WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, but he has bigger fish to fry because a CD of his mother singing starts playing in his truck. Who knew his beater truck had such a nice system? I mean, whoa! Spencer is way more upset about this CD than Toby. Let him own his feelings, gurrrrl. Let him have his moment.

Meanwhile, Aria and Emily are hanging out in a crawl space where they’ll ruin their fancy clothes and get bugs in their hair. I don’t understand what they’re thinking. To make matters worse something sharp starts poking through the crawl space ceiling and there’s a flash of horror movie vibes, but that would actually mean something has to happen. The girls gasp and clutch their pearls instead of doing the obvious thing, like you know, running away.

Relationship drama aside, the whole episode is building toward this grand hoedown and everyone is dressed more ridiculous than the time Saved by the Bell! had a hoedown for their senior prom. Remember that? Oh, Kelly and Zack, be still my heart.

So creepy yet attractive guy is named Travis and it turns out he saw someone running away from Wilden’s body in the dark. The money that he gave Hanna is from the seat of Wilden’s car. This confession is so awkward in this strange lining and overabundance of cowboy hats. Anyway, Hanna convinces Travis to go to the police, so that’s one less worry.

Everyone is unhappy and annoyed and confused about life, so this hoedown really needs some Screech Powers to shake things up a bit. Instead, we get a line dance where Aria and Jake lead followed by Jake telling Ezra to let Aria move on. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Toby and Spencer spar on the dance floor after she accidentally reveals she told her friends about his mother. Ouch! It’s not a high school dance until a girl is left crying alone in the middle of the dance floor. (And just for the record, I have to be Team Toby here because telling your friends about how his mama drama is not okay.)

Emily also couldn’t mind her own business and told Aria why Ezra was so upset. She tries to talk to him, but Ezra’s all, “Whoa, gurrrl, go be with Jake. I got this!”

Except he really doesn’t and Aria follows him home to talk about Malcolm. She holds his hand and vows to stick by his side, and next week I am sure we’ll hear her crying about how she has to choose between him and Jake and her life is a mess. Oh, there will also be some drama because CeCe is listening outside the door.

Outside, Emily and Spencer have chased after redcoat, but all they end up with is a breathing pile of hay and… a redcoat. Haaaaaa! Meanwhile, Toby is breaking into Palmer’s car and Caleb is trying to stop him. He’s unsuccessful, but police sirens are enough to deter him. And after realizing all they have is a redcoat, Emily asks Paige to dance and it’s romantical and stuff that I don’t care about, so excuse me while I zone out until the show is over.

Next week is the season finale, which promises to be surprising and explosive and revealing (like it does every season, but really isn’t).

So, what did you think about tonight’s episode? Should Aria choose Jake or Ezra? Will Spencer and Toby survive her betrayal? Sound off in the comments below!

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