Before we begin I would like to issue a warning about this review. On twitter, TVSource Senior Editor Amber Cunigan and I engaged in highly intellectual and thought provoking conversation about tonight’s episode. The following might be highly controversial for its superiority of the English language and maturity. Here is just a snippet:
Mandy: I’m so bored. I think my article will just be about getting drunk with the Irish. #SOA
Amber: This season is just so f**king stupid. All the characters SUCK. The episodes SUCK. EVERYTHING IS DUMB.
….five minutes later….
Amber: This is straight up putting me to sleep.
Mandy: it got exciting but in a rapey sort of way.
….two minutes later…
Amber: Gemma’s vagina cannot be that good.
Mandy: I think it’s so big and stretched out that he just got lost in it.
…one minute even later!….
Mandy: (when the clubhouse blew up): I’m sad most of the cast wasn’t inside. #SOA
Amber: I thought they were going to blow a kid up next.
While I could go on displaying our dominance, the point of this is to demonstrate that my conversation with Amber WAS BETTER THAN ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW.
All this time I am like ‘finally! It’s the Irish vs. SAMCRO, something exciting will happen.’ Guess what? FAIL! What do you do when the leaders of the world’s arms trade are coming after you? We have a ‘The Irish are going to kill us slumber party’!!!!
There is beer, hookers, Shamrock Shakes, potatoes, and coffee with some Irish crème in it I bet! I think someone even had a bowl of me Lucky Charms! This is why Jax is a complete amateur and knows nothing about being a leader. In fact, ‘amateur’ is a nice word for Jax because he is a compete fuck up when it comes to running this club.
No one except Chibs wants to say it, and even he beats around the bush. Jax’s idea to have the Irish sell guns to Pope’s former crew is stupid because: the Irish hate black people (By the way I am not speaking for all Irish people, just the racist Irish gun mafia on this show).
At the end of the episode, the Irish were able to blow up the motorcycle club. Good! This show needed a cleansing. My only issue with this is if you are going to blow up the club, HAVE PEOPLE INSIDE! No one needed to die, I would have settled for a lost limb. I mean week after week there is violence and then the week you blow shit up no one dies? What are you trying to do to me, Kurt Sutter?!
There are things that could save this show, I just do not know if Sutter is smart enough to use my tactics. So far everything has been predictable: Tara’s bullshit, Jax’s fall from power and obsession with a mommy hooker, Gemma’s whoredom and paranoia, and Clay’s vulnerability.
That will not stop me from watching because obviously I have a job to do, but I shall make my plea to Kurt Sutter the best way I know how….with a HIT LIST!
1. Back up a motorcycle over Tara’s face. Seriously, let’s see the tire go over the face, then back up over it, then over her face again, then back up over it….This can be repeated several times, as I am not all too convinced Tara isn’t a horror villain who cannot die. I also think a good skid mark could fix the hair.
2. Have Wendy take shit over. Better actress, better character, and much more suited to take on Gemma. Who cares that she likes a little heroin? I say it’s endearing and character building!
3. Stop raping women. I am fond of this one because I am a woman, and quite frankly seeing, a woman abused week after week is getting a bit tiresome. I’m not even a feminist; I just hate how terrible every woman is on this show. Sutter, if you want to talk about mommy I am here for you…
4. If the show was an hour, I would complain 30 minutes less of the time. 90 f**king minutes week after week is killing me. It’s tedious, and you are not a 90 minute an episode writer….most people are not. Stretching out every episode is a huge part of this show going to shit. Also, Mandy has to work tomorrow and she’s exhausted after venting about your show.
5. Have Bobby and Chibs steal the club from Jax because he needs his diaper changed. Jax already walks like he is wearing a diaper; why not just literally put him in one. Grow up, boy wonder!
6. Reunite Clay and Gemma. The two assholes deserve each other, and Nero is giving me the dry heaves. Separated they suck, but together, they make each other better.
7. Have Tig sleep with the male to female transgender prostitute. I really will never let this go, and this show needs a bit of humor because it’s seriously lacking. Why would I want humor when I get to see someone raped weekly? At least Tig and the prostitute seemed genuinely fond of one another.
I am stopping at lucky number seven because if I went on, the show would be cancelled. Can all this be done in one season? No, because we need to save it for the finale, but can we at least kill Tara? Please?!
Shame on you, SOA! Shame on you for sucking so hard! You don’t even get my sarcastic next week questions this time because you are in the naughty corner with me. Tune in next week for an all new Sons of Anarchy…or I might just blow up this review to the musical montage of Ke$ha’s “Blow.”