There are only three episodes left to this rollercoaster season where at least one character has died in every episode. So the big question is who is next? Soon we will have an epic showdown between Prince Oberyn and the Mountain, the Wildlings will face off with the Night’s Watch, and what will be Tyrion’s fate?
Things are moving quickly, people are dying quickly, and it seems no one is safe, not even your favorite characters. Without spoiling anything, yes more people will die, some “good” guys, and some bad guys. Does it take a genius to figure this out? Of course not, but it’s always good to keep reminding yourselves that no one on this show is safe. No matter how “good” someone might be in this world, “good” gets you nowhere. Just ask Ned Stark….
Speaking of Ned Stark, he loves my reviews because I am always aHEAD of the curve, Get it? A head? Okay it’s late and that’s still funny. I don’t care whether you made HEADS or tails of it. Here are the highlights of last nights episode:
WHATCHU TALKIN’ ABOUT TYRION?: So Jaime thinks his little brother is bat shit insane. Yes, the brother who has one hand and is sleeping with his sister is judging his little brother. It’s funny how this world works. Tyrion could not deal with Shae’s lies so he felt the need to shut her up with his outburst on last week’s episode. Tyrion has also found a way to get back at his father by ruining his plans to have Jaime be his heir. Now Jaime is not indebted to him. Unfortunately for Tyrion, Jaime cannot be his champion. Apparently there are rules against guys with one hand. No not really, but basically Jaime and Tyrion will die since he cannot fight with one hand, but Tyrion does have other options….
BRONN WILL DO IT RIGHT?!: Tyrion totally picks Bronn to be his chamption!!!!! Tyrion can survive!!!!! ……So Bronn just said no……awwwkwarrrddd. Cersei got to him first and set him up with some boring lady who will inherit tons of stuff. Tyrion has nothing to offer Bronn in return except his friendship and gratitude. Since Bronn has no use for those things he peaces out. First Shae, now Bronn, you really cannot even trust the friends that you paid on a regular basis to be your friends anymore!
IN THIS CORNER: Standing at 7 feet tall, weighing in at 400 pounds it is Sir Gregor Clegane, aka the Mountain! If this champion thing doesn’t work out for him, the Mountain should try the WWE. Cersei certainly knew how to pick someone who could plainly kill Tyrion just by stepping on him.
DID I REALLY NEED TO SEE THIS BITCH NAKED AGAIN: Melisandre. I get that she likes to be naked, but seriously? This entire scene was just to have awkward wife and mistress time. I coulnd’t even pay attention to the dialogue because all I heard was boobs, boobs, the lord of boobs, lies and boobs. We get it, she’s a weird ginger mess with somewhat perky boobs. If the Lord of Light wanted us naked at all times, he wouldn’t have made Lena Dunham!
HE CAN ALWAYS BE NAKED: Daario NaHelloThereButtocks. Screw double standards, it was a pretty ass and we need more naked men on this show that don’t look like they went to high school with my dad. So Daario wined her, dined her, and probably 69’ed Dany. She’s agreed to send him back to Yunkai to kill the masters who have revolted. Jorah is totally pressed, and I am just relieved it wasn’t his ass naked. Dany is all like, they can live in my new world, or die in their old world bitttchhh. Jorah goes off to tell Daario he cannot kill everyone but basically just calm everyone down. BORING! And if Jorah disses Ned Stark one more time, he is going on my death squad list just like Arya has!
MOST LIKELY TO SING ALL BY MYSELF AT KARAOKE: The Hound. When I think of the Hound I think of all those little kids in school who got bullied, somehow hit a growth spurt during puberty and then proceed to kick everyone’s ass from then on. I mean his real name is Sandor…how did he not get picked on?
So Hound and Arya are nice enough to help a dying man by giving him some water and stabbing him through the heart. When I said nice I meant nice for them, but really he was suffering and they did him a favor. Two men attack the Hound since he has a bounty on him, and the Hound and Arya kill both men. Arya the little bad ass is becoming a cold bitch and I for one approve! They also learn Joffrey is dead, so I guess Arya’s list will need revisions. The Hound is having PMS and is pissed by all the bad luck he’s faced since he kidnapped Arya. He tells the story about how his brother burned his face and how his father lied to protect his brother. Well, and I thought I had problems. Arya and Hound now have a bond of being all alone in the world. Where is the Dr. Phil of Westeros because this shit is depressing…
SLAP HEARD ROUND THE VALE: Sansa slapped that weirdo kid who likes breastmilk, Robin. If I was her I would have grabbed a belt and whipped him on the ass for throwing temper tantrums.
BORING: I love my Jon Snow, but the Night’s Watch can have a seat when all they do is sit around in the cold ass room and just make fun of him. PASS.
HOW MANY TIMES CAN WE SAY PIE IN ONE SEASON: I think Hot Pie says pie like 8 times in his scenes, but I could be wrong, but OH LOOK PIEEE!!!!!! Who would have thought pie would play such an integral role this year? Brienne and Pod stop at an inn and order some pie from Hot Pie….who I really want to call Hot Pocket for obvious reasons. Hot Pie gives them the 411 on Arya saying that she was last seen with the Hound. Brienne and Pod realize he will take her to the Eyrie for ransom, and that Sansa could also be there. Well pass along some free pie for these two since they figured things out quicker then the rest of the damn cast.
PAY PER VIEW MAIN EVENT: The Mountain will be facing off against Tyrion’s champion….Prince Horny McHornison himself, Oberyn!! Oberyn goes to visit Tyrion and tells him a great story about how he came to meet him when he was born, and was promised that he’d see a monster. He was disappointed to just see a plain baby, but Prince O face tells Tyrion that Cersei wanted him dead from the moment he was born. My favorite part of the story was how Cersei yanked Tyrion’s penis….she really has a thing for touching her brother’s penis doesn’t she? Anywho, Oberyn wants his revenge against the Lannisters, and the man who killed his sister, the Mountain. Unless there is a written and oral exam as part of this whole deal, I am worried for my orgy loving prince. Mountain is twice his size and is killing prisoners left and right for funzies. Oberyn is too busy sleeping with every whore in the brothel. Yikes….
CREEPY UNCLE PETYR: Well we knew he was creepy, we knew he was handsy, and we knew he was an evil son of a bitch, but tonight Uncle Baels was able to incorporate all three of the above in one scene! Sansa wants to know why Petyr had Joffrey killed, and while not giving a definitive answer, it seems Catelyn Stark’s murder was the main inspiration. By the way, Sansa is way better looking that Lady Stark was, and Sansa could have totally been Petyr’s daughter, and these are NOT THINGS YOU TELL SOMEONE PETYR BEFORE YOU MAKE OUT WITH THEM! Did he have to kiss her? Did he? Where the hell was Chris Hansen because we need a medieval To Catch a Predator episode! UGH. So Aunt Meth Head seems all this and she’s like bitchhhhhhhhh you must die for being good looking and less pale than me! She tries to throw Sansa out the Moon Door, but Baelish stops her. He grabs Lysa and tells he he has only loved one woman his whole life. Lysa smiles and we get to see her meth teeth for one last time because he meant Catelyn, and then filngs the bitch out the Moon Door. Byyyeeeeeee. I will not miss your crazy ass.
These people do not need power and money; they all need some therapy. Or cable, I mean cable would probably cut the boredom and the murder down by a large degree. If everyone just had a hobby, maybe their feelings would not be so unhealthy. Next week is not an all new episode, but the show will be returning in two weeks. Who will win in the Prince Oberyn vs. The Mountain fight? Will Tyrion be executed should his champion fail? Will Brienne find Sansa or Arya? Will Sansa have to lose her virginity to Uncle Darth Vader voice? How many more people will die with three episodes left?!?! Have a Happy Memorial Day, and see you in two weeks with an all new episode of Game of Thrones!