The drama over the Iron Throne continues this week in the episode, “The Old Gods and the New.”
Let’s just jump right into it folks and say: Theon Greyjoy is a basic bitch who needs to die in a fire. Everyone is sleeping in Winterfell and this ass—– strolls up and takes control of the area. He has the nerve to wake up poor little Bran Stark and orders him around. You do not pick on little kids who cannot walk!! Then this bitch also has the nerve to compare himself to Ned Stark: HELLLLLLLL NO! As nice as Bran is even he realized that Theon is a major asshole. Theon has “less honor than a back alley whore”….What an insult to actual back alley whores!! Not to digress but back alley whores at least keep to one area, what’s Theon’s excuse?! Ser Rodrick insults Theon, and because he doesn’t want to look weak in front of his men he has Rodrick killed. It takes this loser three tries to behead poor Rodrick. Is Joffrey a little prick? YES, but you know what he was raised by assholes. Theon was actually raised by a good family, so I want this dude deballed stat.
Jon “I’d sleep with him in a pile of” Snow is still looking fine whilst walking through the actual snow. Seriously, I don’t think a fur coat has ever looked so good on a man before. Can we get this guy in a warmer climate ever? I just need one shirtless scene.
Arya is still stuck working for Tywin. Okay this kid gets to spy while pouring wine for a bunch of men every day? I WANT THIS JOB! Not to mention the fact she is surrounded by a bunch of men who ain’t so terrible to look at every day. I am jealous of a minor, what kind of magic is this? Just when we think luck is on Arya’s side……Petyr Baelish arrives. HIDE ARYA HIDE!!! This dude has a fetish for women in your family, run little bitch run! Baelish tells Tywin about Renly’s death that he should possibly align with the House of Tyrell, and how they can be killed later…and OMG these men gossip more than Mean Girls on Speed. Baelish doesn’t recognize Arya yet because the little genius is pouring wine like a champion with her back turned most moments. Okay I should just change my name to Arya because I want to be like her when I grow up…..with better hair and eyebrows obviously.
Jon and his men attack the Wildlings in the area. The Wildlings are seriously just homeless people that stand on the Freeway. Seriously this is the only equivalent I can come up with. They just sit, don’t bother anyone but when they are approached or you get near their space they FREAK THE F***K OUT. Jon comes across a female Wildling named Ygritte, or as I called her…”Hey it’s that boring typing maid from season 1 of Downton Abbey!!!” Ygritte basically has zero f**ks to give and tells Jon and his group they are all going to die.
Jon stays behind to kill her while his group moves on. Okay, Ygritte knows what I think we all know….Jon isn’t killing this bitch. Is Jon flawless, handsome, and courageous? Yes. Does he secretly write poetry in the middle of the night while crying to REM songs? Unfortunately he might. He cannot kill her, and Ygritte manages to run away. Jon does eventually catch up to her, but the damage is done as he is too far from his group and needs Ygritte alive to get back since she knows the area.
Cersei watches angrily as Myrcella is taken away by boat to her future husband. This is making Cersei hate Tyrion even more and I cannot say I blame her in this situation. Yes he is thinking of his niece’s safety, but the girl probably doesn’t even need tampons yet, let alone should she be someone’s wife. Joffrey could care less his sister is being hauled off. Yeah thanks, we don’t care what you think you steaming pile of…..Ooooo Joffrey just got hit by some flying poop. Sorry bout it! The people don’t really seem too thrilled with their King, or his family. The ensuing mob tears a man apart and poor Sansa Stark is getting chased by some men who look like rapists from a Chris Hansen Dateline special.
Joffrey is freaking the f**k out and screaming like a banshee. I full on hate and loathe Joffrey so much that I have to applaud Jack Gleeson the actor who plays him. Not many young actors can play asshole as well as this kid, and he is really hitting it out of the park…..or just hitting a whore’s ass. Either way good job in making me hate you Jack!! Imp the Pimp Tyrion let’s Joffrey know what a vicious idiot he is and the Hand of the King shows Joffrey his Hand across his face!!! Take that you blond bastard! Meanwhile Sansa IS about to be sexually assaulted by those gross men, but the Hound, Joffrey’s bodyguard with the disfigured face, saves her. Even though the Hound is ugly, this guy has a soft spot for Sansa and seems like a nice guy under the scary face. He might actually stay up late to listen to REM too. Not judging.
Queen Dani is still mulling over marriage proposals like any HBIC would have to deal with. These Qarth people seem to be missing the point that they should be grateful Queen Dani is even staying in their hotel looking town. She wants ships to travel across the sea to take over the Iron Throne, but this out of shape man will not help her because she has zero supporters, no army, and …..HAS THIS MAN NOT SEEN THE BABY DRAGONS? HBIC is the mother of the dragons and her dreams come true!! Also….the hair! I mean really if you are going to help anyone you help the bitch with the best hair.
Tywin is asking Arya about how she learned to read, and he tells her he taught Jaime to read. Okay I like this man way too much. No NO not like that! I’m not completely insane people. I don’t want to like Tywin, but nonetheless I do. He is genuinely nice to Arya for no reason whatsoever and I am finding it charming. Do I think he would change his tune when he finds out she’s a Stark? Yes, but it’s just so cute!!!! While Tywin is telling a story about his dad, Arya steals Tywin’s letters.
Arya starts reading the letters later on and gets caught by one of Tywin’s men. BUSTED!!!! She gets away and starts searching for Jaqen to kill this dude who is after her. Arya finds him and starts shouting for him to kill this man, but Jaqen feels you cannot rush these things…………………………….This guy is like the life coach of mercenaries. Why is he getting philosophical? Just kill! Arya explains that it needs to be done quickly, and as the man arrives at Tywin’s door, he falls down dead. I really hope Jaqen doesn’t move this quickly in other areas. Yes. YES now I am talking about THAT.
Robb is at his camp and hitting on the lady nurse from the first episode of this season, Lady Talisa Maegyr. They start flirting, and it’s that eye rolling kind of flirting that unless you are a part of it, you secretly mock people who do it. I call it Jane Austen flirting. Insert eye roll here. Mama Stark interrupts them, and she feels the need to remind her son that he cannot follow his heart since he is stuck in an arranged marriage. According to Mama Stark he HAS TO maintain that pact. Just a reminder, in season one Robb had to make a promise to marry one of the daughters of the House of Frey in order to gain the House’s allegiance. Long story short…….Robb will be marrying a dog. I mean that in the nicest “she’s going to look like a white trailer trash Jerry Springer guest reject” way. Something tells me that Lady Talisa will not be going away……or I could have just watched the long trailer at the beginning of the season and know that she’ll be back.
Awkward Virgin Alert!!! Jon is tying up Ygritte…..ugh lucky bitch. Ygritte is playing with Jon’s mind…among other things… and trying to scare him about freezing to death. She thinks they should lay together for the warmth unless he wants to die. Nothing like spooning near the Wall!! I bet that’s a hot make out spot in these parts. Side note: I WANT THIS GRUNGY FREAK DEAD FOR GETTING COMFORTABLE IN MY MAN’S CROTCH! Really though I admire and respect this bitch for shoving her ass in his crotch. Well played. Jon’s virginity was left intact at episode’s end but it was clear you could probably tell what time it was via Jon’s….sword.
Robb learns that Theon…..well sucks balls. Why does Mama Stark have to be all “I told you so?” Robb will handle this, and you need to calm down. Robb plans on cutting off Theon’s head. Wait, that’s not how you should handle it! Robb why do you come up with the worst ideas??!! You don’t cut off the loser’s head! You embarrass him first THEN kill him. Why was I not born back then? I come up with the best ideas.
Osha, the Wildling who takes care of Bran, seduces Theon and says she wants her freedom. UGHHHHHH. Thank you HBO for not showing Theon naked again.
Sansa. Is. Still. Crying. I know I will like her eventually, it’s just taking me years. Really though she cannot understand why the commoners hate her? Really? You have THINGS…they have poop. No they really just have poop, it’s everywhere on this show. Shae has to explain it to her, and thank you Shae for not making her think the people really love her. Shae also has to explain to Sansa that she cannot go around saying Joffrey sucks!! Someone might hear you!!! Another reason to hate Sansa: She’s never watched a soap opera where loud whispering always bites you in the ass.
Osha slips out of Theon’s bed and thankfully she is not a traitor at all. The Stark brothers are escaping with some of their loyal subjects, including Osha. Praise the gods and the baby dragons that they got away……
Speaking of the baby dragons…..Dani sees that Qarth has been attacked, many people including her own are killed and…SOMEONE HAS TAKEN THE BABY DRAGONS???!
Okay now I am pissed. You can kill some random whores, your fat kings and all his bastards, your male lead and star of the show, but you cannot mess with the BABY DRAGONS!!! Who has the baby dragons? Will Jorah get them back for Dani? How bored must Jaime Lannister be? Can Theon become more pathetic? Will Jon lose his virgi…wait we might see Jon naked? Tune in next week for more Game of Thrones.