Game of Thrones Season Finale Recap: "Valar Morghulis"

The War of Blackwater is over, but it’s been an unforgettable ride as this season of Game of Thrones comes to an end. I want to thank everyone who has been reading my recaps. This was my first time doing something like this and I am glad you enjoyed it. If you hated it….why are you reading this ya weirdo? Anyway here we go…

Imp my Pimp is still alive. Poor Tyrion has a huge bandage that takes up most of his little face. He is already asking for Bronn and Varys. Bromances never die. Unfortunately Tyrion gets a recap of his own that Tywin Lannister has saved the day and he is no longer the Hand of the King. You do not just fire Imp the Pimp! Rude! Poor Tyrion has something in common with most Americans….he is unemployed.

Joffrey proclaims Tywin the new Hand of the King because his grandfather saved his spoiled cowardly ass. Sansa looks like she wants to puke…..dumb bitch should of ran away. Baelish receives a castle and some cash for uniting the House of Tyrell with the Lannisters. What does Littlefinger need with a castle? Seriously his obsession with the Tully women is bad enough, now he has a place to imprison them and keep his “I love Tully” shrine. The Tyrells also want something. Margaery wants to marry Joffrey. Shut the front door and hold all the ravens. I like Margaery and how she wants to be Queen…….but Joffrey?! Girl, you better like S&M. I hope she at least takes him over her knee and spanks him. She also better be lying about loving Joffrey….from “afar.” You have to be “afar” to like this kid.

Joffrey at first declines the offer since he is sworn to Sansa, but Cersei chimes in that he owes Sansa nothing considering her family is guilty of treason. Can they stop calling her little dove now? THANKS. Joffrey is now over Sansa completely and is all about seeing Margaery naked….let’s be real. Margaery is thrilled she gets to be Queen, and Sansa is thrilled she is finally free of the man troll. Baelish, who is getting Dateline creepy around Sansa, warns her that she is actually not free and clear. He offers to protect her, but Sansa does not trust him. However, Baelish is not lying that Joffrey poses an even bigger threat to Sansa now that she does not earn the right to be his wife. Things might get rapey. Baelish says they are all liars and all better than her……which is true everyone actually is greater than Sansa. She’s still too basic and slow to do anything.

Varys visits Baelish’s head prostitute girl whose name I will never remember. She’s been beaten by Joffrey, been beaten by Cersei for “loving” Tyrion, and she had to sleep with Theon in season one. I’m just going to call her the poor bitch. Varys isn’t interested in sex, but wants to use her to work against Baelish and team up with him. Obviously Baelish is playing everyone, and finally someone is going to keep an eye on him. Expect more Baelish shenanigans in season 3!

Jaime is still walking with Brienne, and annoying the crap out of her. He asks if she is a virgin…..No S**t Sherlock. They come across people hanging from a tree and Brienne wants to give them a proper burial. After more banter between the two, soldiers from the Stark side come along. They are laughing that Brienne is a woman. Eventually the soldiers recognize Jaime, but Brienne kills two quickly, and the third slowly. This. Bitch. Is. Scary. She is that scary gym teacher I wish I never had, but I like Brienne’s set of principles and the fact she is a bad ass.

At Camp Stark, Catelyn warns Robb not to piss off the House of Frey since he pledged to marry one of his daughters. They are all ugly by the way. Robb loves Talisa but Catelyn couldn’t give two f**ks. Ned was not in love with her when they got married but they learned to love each other. Well that is just a sweet story. Why don’t you tell him he was an accident? That would be an even better story. She wants him to keep his oath, because Frey does NOT play around. Robb doesn’t care, and he finally stood up to his mother……which will bite him in the ass in season 3.

Stannis is pissed he has lost the battle at Blackwater. Melisandre is back!! Crazy ginger girl is still around talking about her vagina she calls the “lord of light.” Melisandre insists Stannis will win….she just neglected to mention that he would lose that particular battle. Rightttttttttt. Whatever Miss Cleo. Stannis finally feels remorse for his part in killing Renly. They killed him…. Or their hooha shadow baby I named Smokey. Stannis is finally questioning this cultish Lord of Light business and begins choking the s**t out of his ginger princess. She says that the war will last a long time, Stannis will betray all the ones he is closest to, but he will win. She has him look into the fire and he sees…………..wait for it…………….Something. Yeah we got robbed and didn’t see s**t. It better not been a sea of hooha babies taking on the Lannisters. I can’t handle more birthing scenes.

Theon is surrounded and in trouble at Winterfell. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ok. Ok. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What a total loser. The horns he hears are pissing him off and he is actually crying. Awwww yeah I have zero sympathy. I don’t even pity him because he is such a scumbag. Guess what? The people that were your captors treated you like one of their own and you pissed all over that. Instead you pick your white trash family who also hates you. Deep down is he a decent guy? Yeah no one cares you moron. He won’t run, but will stay and fight. He makes a grand speech to his men, but not even in the same capacity as Tyrion. Tyrion’s speech makes Theon’s sound pathetic. As he tells him men they will fight to the death, they knock him out over the head. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA this just keeps getting better. His men have zero respect or faith in him and they all go home.

Varys comes to visit Tyrion and breaks the news that Bronn was fired to, and got paid off. I refuse to believe the Bronn/Tyrion bromance is over just because Bronn got some cash. REFUSE! To make matters worse Varys just dumped him too. This is an IMPossible day he is having. At least Shae came over. The real part that sucks is Tywin will give no credit to Tyrion’s part in the battle, so everything he has done to secure Joffrey’s throne will not be discussed or remembered throughout history. He is left jobless, and poor, but at least he has Shae. She takes off his bandages and reveals the fresh scar on his face. She calls him a MESS. I am honored at the comparison. Our Imp basically lets her know she is free to leave him since he is so pathetic, but she wants him to run away with her. Unfortunately, Tyrion cannot bring himself to leave his family. He allows Shae to leave, but she reminds him that she will follow him anywhere and she will not leave his side. This is so freaking adorable, I want to go to their wedding.

Speaking of weddings…Robb and Talisa are getting married. I would have preferred more Robb nudity if there was going to be an elopement with no baby! However these vows are HOT. I mean HOT! Robb is hot, but him uttering this s**t at the same time as his wife…..F**king HOT. I want to say this s**t at my wedding.

Queen HBIC Dany is at the House of the Undying with Sir JorASSS. Is anyone else surprised at how spacious this house is? Really is sunny out, there is a pyramid, not exactly a house, but somehow magically Dany gets in, while Joras and her Dothraki soldier are stuck outside. In the background we hear the dragons screaming. I don’t like this!

Arya and her friends get away from the Lannister camp, and Jaqen pops in out of nowhere like the ninja he is! Arya wants Jaqen to teach her to be just like him. However she cannot leave with him, she wants to find her family….yes even Sansa who she added on last. If Jaqen is a “faceless man” does that mean he will be played by another actor because BOO I love this guy. Seriously I get he is faceless and he might be someone who…okay I won’t spoil anything with theories, but I love Tom Wlaschiha in the role. He gives Arya a coin and tells her Jaqen is now dead. If she need him again she should remember the words “Valar Morghulis.” These words mean “All men must die.” Now that is a fun phrase to go around saying to people and scaring the s**t out of them.

The Stark boys are just getting as far from Winterfell as possible. Most people still think they are dead, so I have no idea where Osha and Hodor are going to take them. If the Wildlings come after them, Osha will turn on them. She is seriously the greatest nanny ever and wow is Bran’s wheelchair fancy or what?!

The damn BABY DRAGONS ARE STILL SCREAMING! I cannot take baby dragon wailing, and want to get them some Tostitos. I have no idea what Dragons eat honestly, but Tostitos are baked so that’s a good start. Dany ends up wandering around and all of a sudden it is snowing. Somehow she is in the North. WTF I want whatever drugs she is on. She sees a tent and when she enters she is reunited with…….DUN DUN DUN Khal Drogo, her deceased husband. He is also holding the son that they lost. She wonders if she is dead, but he tells her he might be waiting for her and refusing to crossover himself. Or she might be dreaming, or he might be dreaming and he doesn’t want to wake up….THIS IS SO CONFUSING BUT SO FREAKING ROMANTIC! I want some Dark Magic!!

Dany leaves her family and finds herself back in the House of the Undying with her baby dragons. Bald Creepy Thin dude is back, and says that the Dark Magic was born again when the dragons were born. Dark Magic is also the strongest when he is near the dragons. Dany is chained up along with her dragons, but she has them spit fire on this butthead. That’s right bitches! Baby dragons learned how to shoot fire from their mouths and killed this cray.

 Poor Jon is still a virgin and still stuck up North walking around in the snow. He kills his fellow Night’s Watchman to stay alive. The poor guy sacrificed himself so Jon could save everyone. Jon…do not screw up. Ygritte is impressed and they are taking Jon to meet the King beyond the Wall….Mance Rayder who we will meet in Season 3. EXCITED!!

Xaro Whatever Whatever who wants to marry Dany, helped steal her dragons and thinks he is the king of Qarth, is in bed with…….Doreah, Dany’s handmaiden who went missing. Oh bitch you are FIRED. I thought they would leave one of Dany’s ladies alive but Roxanne Mckee is officially IN THE CORNER! Go back to Hollyoaks. How dare you. Dany walks into that bedroom like a DON and they plead with her. Our HBIC has none of that and has them locked behind a wall where they both will eventually rot. Cry bitches…cry! You do not steal baby dragons and live to talk about it. Dany is going to take all of the Qarth gold and buy a ship with it. She then sashays out of there with a dragon on each arm. Bitch is no joke. All hail Queen Dany!! I TOLD YOU she was the HBIC for a reason.

Out of nowhere we see Sam again in the North, and he sees something approaching. It’s the WALKING DEAD! Poor kid runs and hides behind a rock, where one White Walker turns to him, scared the crap out of him, and then signals the White Walker army forward. There are thousands upon thousands of zombies up in this bitch. Zombie alert = season 2 cliffhanger = THEY ARE ALL F**KED!

That ladies and gents was the stunning conclusion to Game of Thrones season 2! That episode was fantastic and set up a multitude of storylines for season 3. I hope to continue the journey with you guys next season! Stay tuned!