Pretty Little Liars Recap: "Birds of a Feather"

I’m intoxicated and watching Pretty Little Liars – just your average Tuesday. Let’s get down to what happened in the newest episode, “Birds of a Feather.”

The girls spend a lot of time discussing Jenna at the beginning of episodes. Same conversation, new week, only now Hanna thinks Melissa is the Black Swan. Oh, hey! Jason and his fabulous hair is here, you guys! The drought is over. He is not okay with Garrett having his (technical) stepmother as representation. She tells him to take care of his family and himself, which is kind of mean since his family has fallen apart since Alison’s death. The girls follow Jason and learn he’s offering a $50,000 reward for the recovery of his sister’s remains. What could A do with fifty grand? I really don’t want to know – except maybe I do? Conundrum.

Spencer shows her mother the reward poster. Her mother says whoever took the body would get at least ten years and probably a life sentence for Alison’s murder. Why, oh why, is Mrs. Hastings representing him? Meanwhile at school, Aria tells Hanna she thinks her father has a date – new haircut, aftershave – the typical date clues to these detectives. She worries about her mother, but doesn’t tell her about the date. This is awkward. Hanna sprints off to see Mona and learns that she can no longer have visitors. And Emily has gotten a job at a coffee shop, filling skim milk and half and half containers. Maya’s cousin, Nate, decides to drop by because he doesn’t think that’s awkward or anything. He is, however, cute. Any chance that Emily will switch sides for him?

The ever amazing boyfriend, Caleb surprises Hanna with Bon Iver tickets. My main problem with this is that Hanna is more Britney Spears than Bon Iver, but whatever, it’s the thought that counts. Unlike me, she isn’t upset about the concert tickets. She’s freaking out about Mona, which prompts Caleb to come clean about visiting Mona. These two fight because Hanna thinks she’s so smart and doing everything right and Caleb is like OMG YOU’RE SCREWING UP. I’m Team Caleb, in case you were wondering. She tells him to stay out of it, so just like that Caleb and his Bon Iver tickets are g-o-n-e.

Hanna goes to Aria, since you know she’s the best one in the group for relationship advice, and she sides with Caleb. Disappointed with Aria’s advice, Hanna diverts attention to the dating profile Aria is making for her mother. This is such an overdone tactic on teen showers with single mothers. Hanna’s mother intercepts and suggests a better site – because she seems to get around a lot. Not that I’m judging her or anything. So the girls busy themselves by making a dating profile for Ella. I’m bored and tune out. There are more important things to think about, like where my next drink is coming from.

At school, Spencer tries to convince Jason to stop the reward. His hair is flawless and I get caught up in it’s perfectly coiffed strands and wonder what it would be like to run my fingers through it. What were they talking about again? Whoops!

Emily meets up with Nate, who is even more attractive with his glasses. I’ve got a thing for nerds, so sign me up for this one. He recognizes that Maya’s parents were part of her problem. Emily is upset that she never got to say goodbye and Nate gives her a t-shirt of the zombie movie they saw on their first date. I should be touched, but I’m not. Moving on…

Hanna sneaks in to see Madhouse Mona. I’m not sure why Rosewood isn’t locking their crazies up a little tighter, but I enjoy Mona, so I’m okay with this severe lapse in protocol. She sees the creepy detective, the one her mom banged, come to see Mona and Wren catches her. Wren is so pretty, you guys. What is in the water in Rosewood to make these men look this good? Wren tells Hanna that he’s there to question Mona about Alison’s remains. So she takes this information and runs back to the Scooby Doo Gang. They decide to go to Philly. Hm. I’m confused. Blame it on the alcohol.

Meanwhile, Ella and Hanna’s mom – I have such a hard time with the parents because I think of all their former soap characters and want to call them by that – and Ella gets questioned about the dating site. Teehee. The ladies drink wine, discuss online dating, and what it’s like not to being able to barbecue and such. Take note, ladies. Learn to use the grill in case your husband decides to sleep with his student and cause all kinds of issues.

Oh! The girls have broken into Melissa’s apartment. Her décor is lovely, like an IKEA catalog but better. They search for medical records while I wonder about the lamp in the corner. Spencer waits to see a movie with Melissa, who has forgotten her wallet and must go back to the apartment to get it. This is about to get messy, you guys. The least you could do when you tear someone’s apartment apart looking for fake bellies and medical records is not make a mess of everything. Hiding in the closet is probably a bad idea as well. They manage to go unnoticed and Melissa leaves without ever knowing they were there. As they exit the closet they find a dress bag from a costume shop with a feather in it – OH MY GOD. THIS MEANS SHE IS THE SWAN. Spencer does not want to be here for this, but that’s life, S. That’s life.

So after the girls return from Philly, Spencer confronts Melissa. I am shocked. Like whoa. Freaking out. She lost the baby the day after Ian died. She faked the pregnancy to avoid the public getting wind of the miscarriage as well. Spencer is all WTF, YOU ARE CRAZY. And Melissa is like I was scared because someone was blackmailing. A makes people do crazy things – Jenna, Melissa, and god knows who else. She thinks it was Mona, which is why she went ahead and said she lost the baby. Confession done, Melissa exits stage left, and I am not convinced by these antics. She goes from zero to full out dramatic in ten seconds or less, which means she’s probably a psychopath. Melissa out of the room, her mother confesses that she took Garrett’s case to protect Melissa from looking guilty of anything. This is such a mess. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol, but it just doesn’t make sense. I’m with Spencer when she gives that WTF stare across the living room.

Meanwhile, Hanna receives a picture with guy in a Montecito EMT jacket as Caleb arrives. His mother’s been in a car accident – in Montecito – and told Caleb she felt like someone was trying to run her off the road. Dun, dun, dun. She clams up and doesn’t want to tell him about A, which infuriates Caleb all over. Again, I’m Team Caleb. I am not here for this Hanna. Neither is Caleb who is like peace out, I’m done. I can’t enjoy this because there are tears in his bloodshot eyes. “I’m done, Hanna,” may be the saddest words uttered since the last time Aria and Ezra had some serious we may not make it drama. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Ugh, shipping couples when one half of them is being stalked by some unidentifiable crazy person is so hard.

Emily meets up with Nate again and gives him a letter to give Maya’s parents. He’s all I can mail the letter to them for you, which is a sign that he’s A) not who he says he is B) crazy or C) both. There is the chance that he’s D) normal, but this is Rosewood. No one is normal. He’s considering leaving town because everyone keeps gossiping about Maya. Emily tells him that he’s got a friend if he stays. As Emily walks away, he gives her the creepy eye. Nate is bad news. I just know it.

In the end, Hanna cries because her boyfriend dumped her. Emily clutches a t-shirt. Caleb cries – OMG. NOT OKAY. Spencer runs into the most flawless hair in town, who tells her that he’s received over 200 calls about his reward. He’s going to revoke his reward and Spencer reminds him the truth comes out one way or another. Except he lied. She leaves and he fills out the check, while A hacks the Madhouse Mona’s computer records from Montecito and edits her file so that she can now have visitors. Looks like A is heading back to Rosewood, bitches!

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