It’s no secret that watching “Gossip Girl” each week is a challenge for me. The fact that I haven’t broken my TV yet is a true testament to my self-control. But here’s the thing with this show. It always manages to pull me back in at the last second. Usually, it does so by dangling a Chuck and Blair reunion like a carrot and I fall for it each and every time. This week’s episode, “It’s Really Complicated,” found a way to pull me back in just in time for the final two episodes of the series ever.
Honestly, I’m as shocked as you probably are reading this because this episode started out just as terrible as the past few episodes. Dan and Serena decided that they wanted to host Thanksgiving dinner and invite all their friends and family. So what if most of those people hated each other and Dan and Serena? The happy couple was not taking no for an answer, but in true Upper East Side form, everyone had their own little scheme in mind. Chuck and Blair wanted dirt on Bart, Sage wanted Nate back, Steven wanted Serena back, Georgina wanted Dan to publish his mean Serena chapter, etc, etc.
Of course it turned out to be a disaster, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Chuck needed convincing and after learning that she was banned from the Empire, Blair showed up dressed as a stripper-Pocahontas and promised Chuck that Bart would not be there. After she got him to shower and change into a suit, the two headed over to the penthouse, only to find out that Bart and Lily’s trip had been postponed. Things were tense and Chuck was ready to pack it in and start drinking again, but Blair had another trick up her sleeve. She’d contacted Jack Bass (I miss that evil/awesome bastard) to get some probable passwords and the two were going to hack into Bart’s computer with some help from Nate.
Yeah, Nate was useless, as always – at first. He forgave Sage and those two made out a lot (no one forgot she was seventeen though and this was icky; at least no one in the audience. Chuck was good with watching). Bart was still trying to blackmail Nate and he has something else he wants from him in the next episode, but I’m skipping ahead again. Chuck found what he was looking for; it turns out that people who knew about Bart’s shady dealings had freak “accidents” on company transportation. Chuck presented the evidence to Lily and she realized she was the worst, but continued to pretend to be on Bart’s side because suddenly she’s (rightfully) scared of him.
Meanwhile, Dan was not happy that Serena invited Steven to Thanksgiving dinner and as much as it pains me to say it, I have to side with Dan on this one. Serena obviously lost her mind and Steven and Dan had some kind of competition over who was going to get her, but really, it’s hard to take both of them seriously. As if the hair on Dan’s head wasn’t bad enough, his chest hair was protruding from his v-neck sweater and it was nauseating. And Steven reminds me of Chad Lowe, which reminds me of “Pretty Little Liars” and then I forget what I’m watching or why this matters.
Oh, I remember now. Dan’s chapter was released during dinner and it was basically how Serena is so desperate for love that anyone who looks at her twice can win her heart. Wow, you guys, I have to take a moment and give my genuine sympathies to the Dan and Serena fans. I admit that I’ve been finding them almost tolerable the last few episodes so that was a huge, low blow. As a Chuck and Blair fan, I can sympathize with the show constantly taking a sucker punch to the fans’ throat. Serena kicked out Dan after he tried to say he was being honest…? I don’t know. It made no sense, but then, my favorite moment of the episode happened. Dan was ready to go with his hobo bag in hand and Nate – NATE – came over and punched him in the face as everyone else glared at him from the table. I’m going to need that in a gif, please.
Dan returned home to Rufus and proceeded to insult him like he wants to live out on the street. But then he insisted that he had a plan and he’d had one this whole time. Meanwhile, Lily told Bart she needed some time away to relax and she promptly called Chuck and offered to help. He was relieved and then he called Blair and asked her if she would go to war with him. The two toasted with champagne and my little shipper heart was super happy and then the screen focused on Dan typing, “The Final Chapter.”
That’s when the weirdness happened. It actually hit me that there are only two episodes left and there’s still a chance that all of this could come together. I’m still not happy they made Bart the bad guy, but if they’re planning some huge, massive, one last, everybody in takedown? I can support that and I might even, dare I say, enjoy it. Then the previews for next week played and slapped me right back into reality. Blair is begging Chuck not to go and then he gets on a tiny plane and suddenly everyone is sadly listening to reports that the plane is missing…
I AM NOT HERE FOR THIS.