Game of Thrones Recap: "The Night Land"

“The Night Lands,” kicks off with little Arya pretending to be a boy while she travels with the Night’s Watch.

After witnessing her father’s beheading, Arya had to haul ass and hide out because the Lannister’s want her as a hostage. Luckily for Arya, Gendry is the one the guards have come to look for. Seriously poor Joe Dempsie, he dies on Skins, and now he has to deal with being a bastard…the guy really cannot win.

Tyrion and Cersei essentially recap the war for the viewer, the growing number of Kings, and oh yeah the pesky rising of the dead in the North there. Yes, this show gets better folks!! Zombies!!!!! Ok they don’t really look like zombies, but the dead do rise. I have no idea what’s going on with this. I am clueless. I know what you are all thinking….Yes I would sleep with Zombie Jon Snow.

Speaking of that sexy man, the Night’s Watch are chilling and discussing getting laid. Also, apparently when you die, you fart. The educational value of this show literally increases week after week. Sam, the loveable loser of the Night’s Watch, takes a young girl named Gilly to Jon. This bitch better not be getting any ideas. She is pregnant, with her father’s baby and wants Jon’s help in escaping. Apparently this dude does something terrible if one of his daughters gives birth to a boy. This is almost as bad as that guy who was on Jerry Springer once and ate his own vomit. You know you saw that episode too so don’t roll your eyes. Jon refuses to help, because aside from being hot, our boy is not a cray!

Dany is still combing the desert. I worry about Queen Dany, and those cute little baby dragons. Her people are dying, they have no hope, but the bitch’s hair still looks fabulous. However, if it wasn’t for Dany all of them would be dead already. Hopefully soon these people can bathe…and drink water of course, but really B-A-T-H-E.

Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen, little brother to Lily Allen, THEY LOOK ALIKE IT IS CREEPY) journeys home to the Iron Islands to seek an alliance between Robb Stark and his family. Little backstory on this one, Theon’s father lost a battle and his sons were all killed with the exception of Theon. Ned Stark took Theon, but raised him along with his own children.

Over at the local brothel…okay how cool is it that there are brothel recaps? So anyway, Lord Baelish is taking care of his prostitutes after the horrific ending of last week. Baelish is a conniving bastard to put it nicely. On par with a puppet master, he likes to pull the strings in every direction just to see where it goes and how far he can take it. One minute you think you understand his motives, and the next you are just left with more questions. In this scene he tells one of his traumatized girls, “Sometimes those with the most power have the least grace.” Well that’s an understatement. What seems like a moment of comfort turns into a “get your act together and your crotch out tomorrow night” scene. Pimping really ain’t easy.

Tyrion is also displeased with the manner in which the deceased King’s bastards were executed. He takes such issue with it, he calls in Lord Janos, the commander of the city watch. Great thing about Tyrion is that while he can be crude, he is very cunning, charming, and overall a decent human being. Janos calls him an “imp” and a “dwarf”…Homie don’t play that. Tyrion has Janos arrested and sent to the Wall. You do not want to go to the Wall. Okay Jon Snow is at the Wall I’d want to go, but really it’s cold. Tryion ends up appointing his man Bronn in the position. You just know Cersei will be THRILLED….

Arya (Maisie Williams) is still chilling with the other boys. Maisie is seriously a actress you have to watch for in the future. Watch for her especially once I take tweezers to her eyebrows, but other than that this little girl tackles this role so well. She’s asking Gendry one too many questions, and gets annoying to the point he flat out let’s her know that he knows she is a girl. Did the screeching high pitched female complaining give it away? Arya admits that she is the daughter of Ned Stark. Gendry feels like a fool and treats her as a lady of her standing, which annoys Arya even more. Ok, CALL ME CRAZY, but if there wasn’t such a creepy age difference between these two, I’d ship them. Nonetheless, they have a brother/sister camaraderie that is very endearing. If he tweezes her eyebrows, I am definitely shipping them.

Theon is…..well…..::cough:: a loser ::cough::…not well received at home. A woman leads him to his family’s castle and this always entitled bastard sticks his hand in her pants. Theon is gross, and he keeps getting laid. It’s upsetting me to no end. Jon “yes I’d still sleep with him in a pile of” Snow gets no loving or nude scenes, but Theon “I clearly have the munchies” Greyjoy is always having sex. Theon finally comes face to face with his father Balon, who looks like a cast member of Hoarders. Balon considers Theon a member of the Stark Family, and finds him less than impressive. Yep, Balon thinks Theon is as big of a loser as I do. Balon will not be considering Robb’s alliance treaty, and in fact introduces his real heir who will lead the Greyjoys into battle. Remember that girl who Theon got handsy with? Yeah, this is a cool story; I hope Theon tells it at parties. Turns out that girl was Yara…..his sister. All together now. EWWWWWWWHATTTTTTHHEEEEFFFFFFFFNOOOOWHYYYYY.

Stannis is busy building his non-existent army too. In a completely random scene a pirate agrees to help Stannis if he gets Cersei out of the deal. Quote of the Night: “One true God is what’s between a woman’s legs” ….That should be some people’s twitter bios.

Cersei learns that Tyrion removed Janos from his commander position. This scene stood out for me in this episode because Dinklage and Headey are such superb actors, and they brought out the best in each other. Cersei did not order the killing of the King’s bastards, Joffrey did. The siblings are in a perpetual tug of war match of who is in real control of the throne and Joffrey. When Tyrion jokes about Cersei and Jaime’s questionable relationship, Cersei’s true feelings for her “little” brother come out. Cersei blames Tyrion for killing their mother in childbirth, and that is the ultimate joke he has played on her. Not for nothing but these bitches need a hug, or Dr. Phil. We should be thankful she’s not trying to sleep with this brother, but I mean girl calm down. Have a seat.

Stannis is boring. I’m going to need this guy to murder someone once a week, or like eight times a week, whatever it takes to pick up the pace. Melisandre tries to seduce him but he seems dedicated to his wife…….until this red headed cray cray points out he can’t really stand his wife and she is gross. Melisandre says, “You must give yourself to the Lord of Light.” i know we all have secret names for our privates but this bitch takes the cake with calling her vagina the “Lord of Light.” This girl in my high school called it her cookie. I really hope she’s not reading this. Hi by the way, don’t sue me!….Soooo. To seal the deal with Stannis, Melisandre tells him what every man loves to hear…No, not that he has a big, ya know….that she will give him a son. You know this must be medieval times because that line doesn’t work as good as it used to. Stannis thinks about it for five seconds, and throws this cray cray on the really hard table. Her back is going to hurt, and I am not trying to be kinky here. The sex is probably awful, and a back ache is not worth it. He’s not even hot.

Thankfully to save the day once again….Jon. Those eyes, that hair, that big old furry coat that probably smells like livestock……Oh yeah the show. I’m back. Jon hears a baby crying, and sees a shadowy figure taking the infant before he turns and gets knocked out. Whoever knocked out my man has to deal with me, and my fellow Jon Snow Hos. Who or what took that baby? Confused!!

Next week’s episode looks good. The show has been renewed for a third season after just two episodes. Yes HBO! Natalie Dormer (Tudors ) joins the cast next week as Margaery Tyrell, and I for one cannot wait to see her go head to head with Cersei in the near future. Potential princess to Queen Dani’s head bitch in charge? I think so….