Game of Thrones Recap: "The Ghost of Harrenhal"

Bring on the ghost shadow babies that come flying out of hoohahs, because this gets more and freakier as the season goes on! What can top that crazy final scene of Melisandre giving birth you ask? Well honestly nothing yet, except all male nudity but I am sure we will get there eventually.

Mama Stark lets Renly know that Robb is basically a moron and doesn’t want the Iron Throne for himself. Seriously this lady has to do everything doesn’t she? Does Robb need help peeing too? Robb will retain his title of King of the North, while Renly would sit on the Iron Throne and rule everything. Great! So everything is going well…when in flies HOOHAH SHADOW BABY!! So Melisandre basically gave birth to a creature or summoned a spirit from her body to do her bidding. Where can I sign up for this just without the gross birthing scene? Hoohah (yes that’s what I’m calling it because Smokey was too obvious) comes flying into the tent, goes behind Renly, and stabs him. Brienne (yes the huge bitch from last week) and Catelyn are screaming, but when the guards run in they assume Brienne has killed Renly. This is why I like being short, no one every suspects the short bitches. Brienne kills all the guards coming after her and then cried over Renly’s body. Mama Stark tells Brienne she has to haul ass and leave. She also needs some Kleenex and a shower but let’s hope Catelyn told her that in between scenes.

Loras is pissed his boyfriend Renly is dead…….Really? Please you will have a hot piece by the next episode so I do not feel sorry for ya! Baelish urges Margaery and Loras to get the hell out of there while they still can. Lovely how Margaery has to pull her brother off her husband’s dead body:  #WesterosProblems!  Margaery reveals to Baelish that she doesn’t want to be a Queen; she wants to be THE QUEEN. This better be foreshadowing of a Margaery vs. Cersei Battle Royale. Cersei watch yo back, because this girl doesn’t sleep with relatives, she uses them to get what she wants like normal people do! Side note: Baelish is a gossiping, manipulating freak, who I would just love in normal situations, but he helped have my Ned Stark killed. Please step away from the ladies, and stick with the hookers!

Cersei is celebrating Renly’s death which Tyrion points out is really stupid! Guessing she missed how Renly and Stannis battling each other was actually distracting them from coming after Joffrey. Look I love a good bitch, but please stop being a dumb bitch. Stupid don’t look good on you lady. She’s still upset Tyrion has betrothed her daughter to a foreigner, and will not tell him “Joffrey’s” (aka. HER) plan for the siege. If Joffrey was in charge of the siege everyone would be getting spanked for hours on end…..which would be fun to watch for about five minutes. Tyrion meets with Lancel (Cersei’s lover) to figure out what his sister is up to. Why is Cersei sleeping with her cousin? Now I know what you are thinking: “Mandy, she slept with her brother, why not her cousin?”…DID THE BITCH NOT LEARN ANYTHING?! I am all for a tight family, but I am not okay with you getting TIGHT with your family. She loved her brother, she still loves him probably, freaky s**t happens, but I mean BRANCH OUT TO NON RELATIVES. Is it so hard to find a man in this town? If you like blondes, hire a dude! Oh yeah and basic Lancel tells Tyrion that Cersei plans to use Wildfire. That should totally be the name of a gay night club….

Stannis is getting called out by Davos for his relationship with Melisandre. Davos is that old dude in every episode with Stannis. In fact, I have been calling him old dude and just randomly decided to look up his name. Stannis finally agrees to leave Melisandre behind. Is this a good idea? The woman has a magical vagina she could be useful later on!

Random scene of Tyrion listening to the people complaining about Joffrey’s rule. Basically everything they say is pretty accurate but Tyrion misses the part where he is referred to as the DEMON MONKEY!! That’s hysterical and hopefully Imp the Pimp catches on instead.

Theon is still an asshole. Am I going to have to put up with this basic bitch week after week? He is like that annoying guy who hits on you at the bar and he doesn’t get it that you are not interested!! Go away you annoying oblivious freak! Even the townspeople have no respect for him. It is shocking he hasn’t s**t his pants in front of these people yet. The moron wants to prove himself, so how will he do that? Oh, just by attacking Winterfell while Robb isn’t there. OMG I HATE HIM! I am burying this bitch with Joffrey!

Arya is now a servant for Tywin Lannister. With this show, this isn’t a bad thing! So she brings him drinks, at least she isn’t getting beaten up like her sister, or has things flying out of her privates! Leave my Arya alone!! Tywin quizzes her about where she is from, and he can tell she is from the North. He asks her about Robb, and she goes on and on about Robb, but says “Anyone can be killed.” On this show? YEAH! It is the medieval Sopranos, and every week someone gets whacked. Arya goes to fetch Tywin more water and sees Jaqen H’Ghar, the prisoner she had freed two episodes ago. Now that those bars are not in his face….Jaqen “he looks like he has a big” H’Ghar is quite dreamy. By dreamy I mean Hey H’Ghar HEYYYYYYYY! Since Arya helped him get away, Jaqen will kill three people for the three lives she saved. This bitch always gets the hookup!!

Jon. Snow! He’s back and literally walking in the snow. Let’s take a moment and admire his hair. Mmmhmm. Mmmhmm. Ahhh. Why is Sam talking right now? I am not listening…

Imp the Pimp is not pleased with Cersei’s Wildfire plan. From the looks of the massive underground storeroom, it would appear Wildfire would be like Weapons of Mass Destruction. Tyrion does not love the smell of napalm in the morning, and is freaking out that there is THAT much Wildfire on the premises. If Cersei goes for a late night smoke, the entire town is screwed.

BABY DRAGONS!! Look at that cute baby!! I want my own baby dragon and I will name it Da Vinci! Anyway in more important news: DANY HAS SHOWERED!!! Her hand maidens are bitch fighting each other as to who the best personal assistant is, bitches please calm down, Dany has no favorites! The people of Qarth are funky little trendsetters who might watch too much E! Dany is owning everyone at the party with her witty banter and mingling like the HBIC she is. When her men get out of line, the LADY BOSS makes them have a seat.

Mama Stark is trying to make Brienne feel better how do you comfort a sobbing lady who looks like she can bench press a Buick? Brienne admires Catelyn and wants to serve under her…and I might literally mean under her. Seriously, Brienne fangirled a bit and might have a crush on her, but nonetheless Mama Stark says YES!! In all honestly how can you turn down this offer? Huge Bitch is now a Stark supporter, and will be going after Stannis.

Bran Stark is in Winterfell and learns that neighboring towns are under siege. THIS FAMILY CANNOT CATCH A BREAK! Is there a curse I am unaware or? Do I really have to read all these books? The poor Starks are just screwed over and over again. Bran dreamt the sea came to Winterfell, which symbolizes Theon coming to seize the area. Bran should predict the lotto numbers because things are just going to get worse.

Jon Snow is still wandering in the cold, snowy trying to kill the Wildings. Can I just say: I don’t care. Honestly my love for Jon Snow is never ending but this storyline is slow as s**t. They just keep moving and complaining, and then moving and complaining, and then something mysterious happens, and then they keep moving. MOVE ON! Let Jon kill some random people please.

Back to HBIC Dany, who seems to be the only one unaware that Jorah, her advisor, has been completely in love with her forever. Everyone can tell. In all seriousness even I knew and was thinking in my head, ehhhh he is too old for her and a total downgrade from Khal Drogo in the six pack department. The man who saved Dany last week wants to marry her for personal gain and Jorah is pissed she is even considering the idea. By the level of his fangirling, Dany begins to realize he really is in love with her. Can you blame him? Her hair is flawless.

Oh hey Gendry shirtless!!! And Arya was totally checking him out, I caught her sly peeping! Can I still ship these two? I need her to rapid age in between seasons or something to make this acceptable. A body is dumped before everyone, and who is it but the FIRST person Arya asked Jaqen to kill. Yeah I don’t know his name, but really who cares he is dead. Jaqen totally twisted the dude’s head and Arya smirks like my little head bitch in charge in training should! Now can she ask him to kill IMPORTANT PEOPLE! She is young and I will forgive her, but next time Arya should at least ask for a Joffrey death!

Who is Arya going to suggest next? Will Dany accept the marriage proposal or offer a rose to Jorah instead?  Will Melisandre go crazy ginger cray on Stannis’ ass when she finds out she got the shaft? What will Imp the Pimp do with all that Wildfire? And not for nothing but NO sex scene this week, way to lower the standards HBO! Tune in next week for another exciting episode…and some sex ::fingers crossed:: just saying.