Pretty Little Liars Recap: “This is a Dark Ride”

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Everyone in Rosewood went for a wild ride on the Ghost Train in Pretty Little Liar’s annual Halloween special!

When our favorite liars left us, Nate had died, traumatizing Emily and everyone else in the process, and Toby was revealed as being on Team A. As per tradition, the liars were back tonight for Halloween antics.

So, in case you haven’t heard one of the biggest albums of the year was released this year: Red by Taylor Swift. In her honor, TVSource is letting Taylor grace us with her presence through a GIF recap of this year’s Pretty Little Liars Halloween special.

The show opens with Crazy Mona painting a papier-mâché face and singing a song about teddy bears having picnics. It was quite catchy, actually. Apparently Halloween is Mona’s favorite holiday and she’s been saving pills and such to give to A. This cannot be good. Meanwhile, the girls are wearing questionable outfits and contemplating Halloween.

Moving on, Garrett is hanging out at Spencer’s house. He tells her it’s time to get out of Rosewood and find closure. She wants to know everything he knows about the night Ali was killed. Unfortunately, Toby interrupts and chases Garrett off. This bothers Spencer because he makes “it so hard to be a post-modernist feminist” when he gets so Alpha male. Insert Taylor Swift joke here. What? It practically wrote itself. Speaking of Taylor, while she knows about jerky boyfriends, I bet she’s never dated anyone who’s working with A. How creepy was that look Toby tossed over Spencer’s shoulder?

Hanna and Caleb made out in a closet. His spleen has a hole in it. Apparently she thinks that’s sexy. Aria is upset that her twenty-something boyfriend can’t ride the ghost train with her and her high school friends. Dating is so hard, you guys.

Annnnd the Ghost Train is pulling out of the station. Hanna is dressed as Marilyn. Aria is dressed as Daisy from The Great Gatsby aka a pretentious way of saying she’s a flapper. Jenna’s a one-eyed pirate, which amuses me for obvious reasons. Spencer is a 20’s girl, too. Emily’s not wearing any clothes. And then there’s that creepy baby-faced costume we’ve seen in like every Halloween episode.

Oh, hey! Jason is here. I always need a moment… or five when he’s on my screen.

The beautiful moment is interrupted by Adam Lambert and awkward, white girl dancing. It goes on and on, followed by hollers of, “Go, Adam! Sing it, Adam!”

I’m embarrassed for everyone.

Thankfully, a white masked figure breaks through the awkward, white girl dancing and Spencer follows it… Only to run into Jason. I approve. His hair is seriously happening and beautifully and longs to be touched. He doesn’t approve of Garrett’s release nor believe his innocence. Oh, and in case you were wondering, white masked guy was Caleb.

Meanwhile, Adam Lambert and Aria have an extremely awkward exchange. When he leaves, Aria does the dumbest thing a girl can do with her drink and turn away from it long enough to get drugged. You would think these girls would be smarter by now. You know, bring their own beer. Avoid parties where 90% of people wear masks. Get rid of text messaging on their cell phones. Stop lying. Just logical things.

Spencer also does a stupid girl thing and walks alone on the deck of the train, giving baby mask guy the prime opportunity to grab her. He reveals himself as Garrett and says he wanted to protect Spencer above anyone else and promises to tell her everything he knows. He explains they were all in Alison’s room with Ian, Melissa showed up, and he took Jenna outside to let Ian and Melissa talk things over. They went behind Ali’s house and ran into Alison, who fought with Jenna. Silly white girl fighting. She knocked Jenna over, prompting Jenna to grab a hockey stick, which Garrett then used to beat the tree… causing then blind Jenna to think Alison was dead. Little did they know the next morning she actually would be.

Later, Garrett went back to check on Ali and saw her with Aria’s dad. Spencer tries to find Aria, so Garrett can tell her, but she and Hanna discover Aria is missing. A texts them promptly, saying Aria won’t make it to the end of the line. I roll my eyes because we all know A is nicest to Aria. She’s probably just giving her cookies or something. While the girls rally to warn their boyfriends, Aria is duct taped and fighting to get out of whatever tight space she’s in. Okay, so I was wrong about the cookies.

Then Hanna gets felt up by a stranger. Spencer is choked by someone in a walking Mardi Gras costume. And Emily’s girlfriend whose name I suddenly can’t remember tries to save her. Once the Mardi Gras costume runs off, bells jingling and all, Emily’s girlfriend finds a broken nail! Aria gets the tape off her mouth and realizes Garrett’s dead body is next to her. WHAT?! Yes, that happened. Spencer recovers quickly from almost being choked to death. Hanna complains that A knew she was sneaking around with Caleb the entire time. Hanna, I’m going to let you finish with your relationship rant, but Spencer just almost died.

Everyone tries to find Aria, who is apparently under the train. I forget about her getting out because I’m too distracted by thinking about where this train is going, how long the ride lasts, and if there’s a destination or just some huge loop. Like who decides to have a Halloween party on a moving train anyway? And what kind of parents let their teenagers ride around on a train with Adam Lambert?

The train stops and the police get on to question everyone about Garrett’s dead body. They’re convinced A wanted them to get Garrett released so A could get rid of Garrett. Ezra conveniently arrives to hug Aria. Noel Kahn gets upset that these “bitches” are bringing everyone into their drama. While I wouldn’t use that word, he has a point. Toby defends Spencer’s honor. Jason’s hair steps into the mix. And then the ice cooler busts open and Ali’s body rolls out of it. Awwwwkward.

And in the last twenty seconds, the show channels an ABC Family version of American Horror Story and a hand breaks through the soil. Zombies will now infiltrate Rosewood.

This concludes 2013’s Pretty Little Liars Halloween special, also known as an hour of my life that was brutally stolen from me. The crazy train needed more Jason. I’ll see you back here for PLL recaps in January. Do you think Aria will have washed Garrett’s dead body off her by then? Yeah, me either.

P.S. Taylor thanks you for your time.