‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: And Now His Watch Has Ended

The action is picking up in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. Last week we saw a stunning finale where Jaime lost his hand, and this week’s final sequences in “And Now His Watch Has Ended,” single-handedly (haha) topped it. Beware the Queen of Dragons!

Jaime is not having the best week ever. It must suck to go from being a hot knight banging your sister to a one handed bearded dude who had to drink horse piss. Jaime is so pathetic he falls off his horse, begs for water, gets some horse piss, and then tries to fight everyone with one hand. Yes he fails miserably, but at least he still looked good with horse shit and mud all over his face. Now Jaime seems a bit depressed, but Brienne is there to….not cheer him up at all. She does not understand why he would save her from being raped. She also wants him to quit being miserable because he lost his hand. Bitch if you lost your hand you would be miserable to, have a seat.

Tyrion pays Varys a visit and gets told the worst story ever. So in case you were not aware for three seasons…Varys does not have a penis. We got to hear how he lost his penis…..and an entire audience of men just crossed their legs. Ouch. Apparently losing one’s penis makes one stronger, and Varys became a master of secrets to rise from his low beginnings. He also keeps the dude who cut off his penis in a box. That’s nifty. Varys’ story is a nice parallel to Jaime’s recent handicap. Will Jaime rebound from his loss as Varys did? Only time will tell. Varys meets up with Ros (yes, the whore) and they discuss Baelish. Apparently there is a fear that Baelish will try to take Sansa with him when he leaves King’s Landing. I need Baelish to quit it with the creeper uncle act and stop trying to sleep with an entire family of women. His Tully addiction is just plain gross.

The Night’s Watch realize that staying at a Motel 6 would be better than staying at Craster’s trailer trash park.  They are starving, cold, and might all be on their periods. Sam visits Gilly, and her newborn baby boy. He asks the baby’s name, but Gilly is annoyed because all the boys are sacrificed to that thing we never see and she does not want this to happen. This is why you don’t have children in a trailer park. The Night’s Watch want better treatment but Craster is not having any of it. Jerry Springer is a better host than this guy. Some pissed off crows call Craster out on the fact that he is hiding food, and they kill him in anger. TRAILER PARK FIGHT!!!! The Night’s Watch has gone berserk and are attacking each other, some die, and Sam runs away because that’s what Sam is good at. He grabs Gilly and the baby and they make a run for it.

Bran Muffin update. Bran has a dream. Catelynn scares the crap out of him, warns him not to climb trees, and then Bran falls. Bran wakes up. He is still alive and quite possibly still the most boring creature on the face of the earth. Bran Muffin update over.

Joffrey, Margaery, Cersei, and Lady Olenna are wedding planning!!!! We get a fabulous history lesson and tour of the church where the two will be wed. Margaery is clearly winning Joffrey over and Cersei remains pressed. Olenna and Cersei have a nice talk about how they have raised sons who basically do whatever the hell they want and they remain powerless women. Life is so unfair. Margaery persuades Joffrey to salute the people like they are Kate and William on the balcony. The crowds love it, but Cersei is quite annoyed. Cersei visits her father to ask if he is any closer to rescuing Jaime. He says he is doing all he can, and wonders what else she wants. Cersei wonders why Tywin will not include her more in his business. She basically wants her father to share his secrets and treat her like he would his sons. She thinks the Tyrells are a problem, and he disagrees. He thinks she is not as smart as she thinks she is. FINALLY SOMEONE TELLS HER THIS! Cersei will always be a dumb bitch who cannot control her son.

Theon is still making his escape with that guy whose name I still do not know!! Also, I don’t really care and will still call him “that dude.” Theon laments that he could never be a Stark…well yeah you are ugly. He admits that he had orphans killed to pass them off as Bran Muffin and little Stark we never hear about. He also realizes that his real father is dead…meaning Ned Stark. WELL TOO LATE YOU DUMB BASTARD. While I think it’s admirable he finally realized Ned was his father, Theon is still a loser. All he does is whine about how everything. Turns out that dude led him back to the place where he was being held captive and that whole escape was a ruse to get information out of him!!! SNAP! Theon goes back up on his crooked Jesus cross to be tortured yet again. Bye now.

On a more positive note, Lady Olenna might be my favorite old bitch ever. Can she have her own show now? She just scared the crap out of her own granddaughters and almost made them shit themselves and didn’t bat an eyelash. Varys pays her a visit and they discuss Sansa Stark. Varys could not help Ned, but he wants to help Sansa. I find it interesting so many people are interested in Sansa because she is seriously stupid and boring. In fact she is so stupid I think that’s why they all like her. Both want to make sure Baelish does not marry her, and discuss in secret how they plan on preventing this. Cue the clueless Sansa. Margaery pays her a visit and the two girls have a little chat. Basically the plan is for Sansa to marry Loras and they can be sisters. Wait. The cute gay guy?  I thought knights could not get married?! Why does she get the cute gay guy?! That’s so unfair.

Arya and Gendry have bags over their heads……..why can’t other characters have these? Apparently they need to have their heads covered so they don’t learn where the entrance is to the bat cave over here. The Brotherhood of Blah Blah Blah Who Cares puts the Hound on some kind of mock trial. He insists he is not to blame for all the lives his family members have killed. Arya calls him out for murdering her friend. The Brothers decide that he will have a trial by combat and will fight Beric Dondarrion to the death. Okay Beric seems tough, but the dude has one eye so my money is on the Hound.

Well it takes 48 minutes but we finally are graces with Queen Dany’s presence. She hands her dragon over to asshole baldylocks and he explains that the Unsullied warriors now belong to Dany. Side note: the girl can work a whip folks. Baby dragon is displeased by the ugly bald guy choking him with his chain, and surprise, surprise Dany reveals that she speaks Valyrian. Yes, this whole time she has known he has been calling her a slut whore. She orders the Unsullied to kill the masters and free the slaves. Her baby dragon also goes through puberty and burns baldylocks to a crisp. She frees the Unsullied like a boss, and tells them they are free to leave but she wants them to fight for her. They tap their staffs and follow her. Queen Dany truly is the head bitch in charge and now she has the army to prove it.

Where are Dany and her army headed next? Will the Hound be killed by Beric? Is Jon Snow going to get laid?! ..I see you Jon Snow!  More importantly, is Lady Olenna getting a Real Housewives of Westeros spin off? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones.