‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Dark Wings, Dark Words

After last week’s much anticipated season premiere of Game of Thrones, get ready for a complete snoozer. I wish I was kidding but this week’s episode was a mish mash of boring, with few moments of excitement. Also, where the hell are all the nude people? Where is the sex? Is this the same show?

The show starts with Bran. Boy, was that a sign of things to come. I am probably one of few people who cannot stand Bran’s story. I just don’t care. Yes I am a complete bitch but anything having to do with Bran I find boring. I mean the kid is named after the worst kind of muffins. That just says it all! Do I care that he is a warg? No. Do I care that people carry him around? No. Do I care tha….wow this actor boy is going through some quick puberty…. Anyway, back to Bran Muffin. Bran is a warg and that means he can see through animal’s eyes. Not the coolest superpower to have but whatever. Osha and Hodor are still protecting Bran and Rickon on the longest walk in the history of the world to the Wall. Eventually they come across Jojen Reed and his sister, Meera. While this excites the typical Game of Thrones fan, I merely screamed, “Hey that little kid from Love Actually got another job!!” Jojen looks like he will be Bran’s Obi Wan Kenobi in all things “hey I am a weird kid with really boring dreams.” If Jojen can make things more interesting than I am all for him tutoring the Bran Muffin.

Elsewhere in Stark family business, Rob and his new wife are not interesting unless they are completely naked.  Catelyn’s punishment should be watching them be lovey dovey instead of being put in shackles. In her quest to win the title of “Having the Worst Year EVER” award, Catelyn learns her father has died, Winterfell has been destroyed, and her sons, Bran Muffin and that other one we always forget Rickon, are missing. So why does Cate have the worst luck ever? Well, when she was younger she kind of sort of tried to pray for my Jon Snow to die…… This bitch. When she realizes that she is a real heartless cunt, she makes a deal with all the gods to save Jon: If Jon lives, she will be a real mother and accept him as her own. Jon lived…but Catelynn remained a heartless asshole to that poor little baby. So Catelynn’s curse is that she loses everyone she loves because she was a complete bitch to Jon. Personally, I think her curse is she is an overbearing shrew who thinks she knows everything, but I digress.

Theon is being tortured. No one cares about you ginger boy. You had this coming.

Brienne and Jaime are on their way to King’s Landing to make the exchange: Jaime for Catelyn’s daughters. You can cut the sexual tension with a long ass sword. Jaime teases Brienne for having a crush on Renly, and tells her that Renly was gay. When is someone going to tell Brienne she’s gay? Yeah, anyway Jaime knows how to drive people crazy, and he torments Brienne throughout their journey. While they are crossing a bridge, Jaime manages to steal Brienne’s sword. Finally these two begin to fight, with Brienne getting the best of Jaime. Unfortunately the pair are interrupted by a man who recognized Jaime, along with a group of men looking to bring Jaime back to Robb. Not for nothing, but how do these people all know each other? It takes like 5 years to walk to a damn Wall, but these people recognize each other after seeing them once about 3 years ago? I know they don’t have Internet, but is there like a Kingsguard Hottie of the Month calendar everyone gets?  I bet Renly had ten copies. Hopefully Brienne and Jaime can HANDLE this. Hahaha….this is funny if you read the books.

The only person that out-douches Theon is Joffrey. Joffrey is being fitted for his new outfit. He cannot even do that without being a complete tool. Cersei keeps asking Joffrey what he thinks of Margaery. Cersei…HE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH HER. Your son is a complete asshole who wants to beat the crap out of women and then sleep with them. This is not brand new information, so stop trying to figure shit out you already know the answer to. God I hate when strong women make stupid decisions. Joffrey is all about Margaery now, and who can blame him, she’s flawless. Joffrey questions her and wants to know why she would marry Renly. She reveals that Renly was gay and they never consummated their marriage. Side note: Joffrey would totally be a member of the Westboro Baptists, and wants to outlaw gay people. The good news is, Margaery has Joffrey whipped and knows how to play him to get what she wants. Also, who knew you could use a crossbow to flirt? I have to try this one out.

WHORE UPDATE! Shae warns Sansa to not trust Baelish. Shae will hurt Baelish if he touches Sansa. Shae tells Tyrion that she worries about Sansa and that Baelish is a bad guy. Shae is mad that Tyrion slept with Ros. Shae is mad that Tyrion thinks Sansa is pretty. Shae is so mad she gives Tyrion a blow job. WHORE UPDATE OVER!

So to get on my good side, Sansa is starting to hang out with Margaery. I for one think it’s special that Margaery let Sansa sit at her lunch table, because Sansa doesn’t even go to this school! Then we meet Lady Olenna (BEST PART OF THE EPISODE). Lady Olenna, played by the fabulous Diana Rigg, is the one who brings the real talk. This is the bitch you want to sit next to at parties. Lady Olenna wants to know everything about Joffrey. Sansa lies and says nice things about Joffrey, but Olenna can read through all the bullshit.  Finally Sansa spills some tea and lets them know that Joffrey is a monster. I have a feeling these bitches know how to handle the creeper.

Mance and Jon are walking in the snow. Talking about life. Learning about wargs. Can we spare the Hallmark moment please? Season 3 theme: You Know Nothing Jon Snow. I mean get with it Jon, we all already know what a warg is. Duh.

Meanwhile on the other side of the….well where there is even more snow, Sam learns that IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. Those anti-bullying campaigns are loads of crap. Sam is a big, fat, stupid coward. We get it, we get it.

But most importantly and painstakingly over 30 minutes into the episode…ARYA IS BACK. Well someone shot up a few inches in the off season. Gendry, Arya, and Hotpie are also still walking. Someone really needs to learn how to steal a horse. They come across a merry gang of brothers, called the Brotherhood without Banners. I wonder if they know the Doctors without Borders. These Merry Men rip offs, force the kids to go with them, and to make them really evil, they give them food! Thoras, the guy in charge, promises Arya she is free to go once she finishes her meal. However, the Stark curse of shitty bad luck continues, because the Brotherhood has captured the Hound. Yes the Hounddog is back. Pizza face is back. Arya tries to slip out unnoticed, but the Hound immediately wants to know what they are doing with the Stark bitch. Rude, what he meant to say was, “What are you doing with the Stark Head Bitch in Charge?”

What is going to happen to Arya now? Will Brienne and Jaime escape their captors or get manHANDled? (HA!) Can Brienne teach me how to head butt so it doesn’t hurt?  Will we get a real sex scene…it’s been so long?! And bring back Mommy and her dragons! Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones.