A walk of punishment, more like an episode of punishment on this week’s Game of Thrones. I am clearly not a patient woman, but this is getting ridiculous. Once again I was bored to tears during this week’s episode. While the story is building, I find myself uninterested in many characters and wondering where my favorites are. Then when favorites are onscreen I am left wondering why they are in simple throwaway scenes. Unfortunately the bad outweighs the good in this episode, but we are at least left with a stunning finale.
Catelynn Stark you remain a pressed basic bitch. While I am sorry your father is dead, I really do not care because you are an asshole. I laughed when a guy couldn’t light your father on fire, but really I wanted someone to light you on fire. Yes, your father will be missed, and your sons might be dead, but maybe if you weren’t such a self centered shrew people would really care. I also hate you because your bad decisions are fucking up Robb’s shit. His war is not really going well and it is really all your fault. Also, you make him look like a p*ssy. Way to go.
If you thought tupperware parties were lackluster, or those jewlery parties where your friends invite you to their house and you feel obligated to buy something are awkward….wait until you have a council meeting. We have Cersei, Tywin, Varys, Baelish, some random old dude whose name I never remember and Tyrion in one room! Baelish will be marrying Catelynn’s sister (Lysa, that batshit crazy lady who still breastfeeds her 9 year old), becoming the Lord of the Vale and Tyrion will be the new Master of Coin. Basically Tyrion will be working the books for the kingdom, aka he just got screwed over with the worst job ever. When Tyrion sees the job he has inherited he soon realizes just how much it sucks, because Baelish liked borrowing money. On a more positive note, Tyrion makes sure Pod, his squire, gets laid. And you guessed it folks WHORE UPDATE!!! We have one whore to the left, one whore to the right, and oh look this one does SPLITS!!! Also, I am guessing Pod has a reallly really really really big…..personality because the whores all slept with him for free. Bronn and Tyrion even wanted details on how this kid slept with three whores at no charge. Honestly the conversation they all had was probably more interesting than anything in the rest of the damn episode.
Arya is still a “guest” of the Brotherhood without Blah Blah Blah. Is there a reason we are getting a lack of Arya? I mean we spent about 3 minutes with her this episode. Not a happy customer over here. Arya and her one true love but she does not realize it yet Gendry say good bye to Hot Pie. He wants to be a bread baker…………….Yeah. That’s all we got. Fat kid is going to work a kitchen…….. Great.
Breaking News. There still appears to be snow to the North. Accumulations are reaching up to 5 feet of snow. Wildlings should avoid all areas containing DEAD HORSE CROP CIRCLES! What in the actual hell zombie people?! However I loved the artistry in the use of dead horse parts, classy. Mance orders that they all go to war and attack the Wall. I’m not sure if I missed something, but how does mutilated horse parts finally convince you to go to war? Shouldn’t there be a meeting or something? The sucky Night’s Watch finally got away from snowstorm central and got back to Crazy Craster’s house. In case your forgot, Craster is the old dude who likes to sleep with all his daughters to breed children to feed to….some thing. We never see the THING, but it’s out there and it is doing it’s..well thing. I like to think of Craster’s place as the trailer park. No one ever wants to go to the trailer park, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Sam goes to see the annoying screaming woman in childbirth. Congratulations Sam on seeing your first vagina. I am sorry you had to see a baby come flying out of one though. Unfortunately, it’s a boy which means that thing is getting a late brunch.
Some guy pulls Theon off his torture cross. Rude some guy! He tells him that his sister is waiting for him and helps him ride off. Eventually the guards catch up to Theon and he is chased down and caught. Bring on the attempted rape and Theon crying NO. This is why rape whistles were invented. Side note: Do I consistently have to be subjected to Theon’s pasty white ass every season? I am the one looking to press charges here. Luckily for Theon, his random new friend shoots everyone with arrows and saves him. Yep, Theon does not get raped. Now I am not a heartless bitch, and rape is a no no, but if this is an attempt to make me again feel sorry for Theon….it’s still not working HBO!!! The dude can save children from a burning orphanage and I would still hate him.
From one ginger to another, Melisandre is leaving Stannis for some reason. I think she is going to spa, don’t trust the bitch Stannis. He wants Joffrey and Robb dead. He also wants to make another flying out of her hooha smoke baby with her. Bitch is like HELLLL NAWWW. She also kind of implies that he doesn’t have enough “power” to do that. Someone needs a Westeros blue pill. In order for all those people to die and for Stannis to win, sacrafices have to be made. Melisandre is going to need some King’s blood. I checked Ebay and the going rate for King’s Blood is about 10,000 dollars US. God the exchange rate kills us every time.
It takes 30 minutes until we are graced with Queen Dany’s presence. About. Time. Dear HBO, you make me sit through 48 minutes of Sookie Stackhouse’s face on my screen during True Blood, but give me 4 minutes of Queen Dany? Honey, have a seat. Jorah advises Dany to buy the Unsullied soldiers, but Selmy seems against it. Dany decides to buy them all. Can we discuss how smart a shopper this bitch is? Missandei, the delightful slave translator, explains her offer, and leaves out all of the trader’s insults. Luckily I studied Valyrian in college for two semesters and learned all the cuss words. Dany gets called a slut and a whore, and whatever this dude sucks. Dany’s final offer is all the soldiers for one of her dragons. NOT MY BABY DRAGONS!! Jorah and Selmy are like waittttttttttt, and Dany is like just the one, and throw in the slave girl over there. Deal done! 8,000 hot dudes + 1 slave girl for one Baby Dragon. The girl knows how to haggle.
Jaime and Brienne have been captured and are tied together. This in itself could be a spin off based on how much banter these two have. Jaime warns her she will be getting raped. Well isn’t he ever the gentleman. What’s with all the attempted rape in this episode? Is someone going to roofie Sansa in an upcoming episode too? Brienne is beaten by Locke’s men, and they drag her off to rape her in the woods. Jaime does have feelings, and speaks up for her. He convinced Locke that Brienne is worth more alive and unruined since her father is rich. Locke agrees and has Brienne brought back only beaten and not raped. Jaime thinks he has charmed Locke so he continues to make more suggestions. Brienne’s father will pay a ransom as would Jaime’s father, and makes him an offer to switch his loyaties. He asks to be untied so he can sleep on his back, but Locke offers him a meal by the fire with the group. As they walk towards the fire, Locke has Jaime thrown down and explains that he won’t fall for his crap. His father cannot save him now….and cuts off Jaime’s hand. OUCH!!! Okay from all my hand jokes you knew that I knew this would happen but OH MY GOD was that graphic and I saw bone…I saw bone people.
Is anyone going to give Jaime a hand? ….I had to do it. Will Brienne escape a maiden? Will Dany really trade one of her baby dragons? Is Pod considering life as a gigolo? Will anyone freaking die already? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones.