Only two episodes left in this season of Game of Thrones and this week’s episode is full of hints about what’s to come in the future. (Don’t worry I am not spoiling anything…..or am I?) My recap is late this week because I was at a wedding….which is ironic considering the shenanigans that went down in this episode at Tyrion’s wedding.
However, let’s start off with little head bitch in charge in training Arya Stark. Poor Arya is stuck looking at the Hound and his pizza face. She wants to kill him with a rock, but she knows it won’t kill him because the dude is so huge he probably eats rocks for breakfast. He warns her not to do it, and she does not. Honestly, death by rock is too good for the dog.
He tells her she could be worse off….well yeah, at least she’s not whiny bitch Sansa. He explains he helped her sister and he intends on bringing her to her brother Robb and mother for a ransom. So Arya and the Hound are totally going to be wedding crashers, but oh my god, can her date be any uglier? Bitch should have strolled in with Gendry if he wasn’t kidnapped by the freaky ginger.
Speaking of that freaky ginger…..Melisandre explains to Stannis that Gendry is to be sacrificed to the Lord of Light because a King’s blood is apparently important in this bitch’s freaky deaky voodoo shit. Davos has learned to read, because hooked on phonics the dungeon edition works for him. Stannis visits him and tells him all about Gendry. Davos thinks it’s ridiculous he is killing family because this wackadoo bitch says so. Stannis likes his blunt honesty and says he will free him if he promises not to raise a hand to Melisandre. Davos is all like, yeah I won’t hit her, but the bitch will hear from me should anything come flying out of her vagina again. Davos thinks he is being freed in order to knock some sense into Stannis, who is essentially the Tom Cruise of this crazy cult Lord of Light crap.
Now for the part NO ME GUSTA….did the crazy ginger have to go near Gendry’s penis? DID SHE?! No she did not, and rude, HBO, just rude. That is ARYA’s man, and now he is infected with the ginger syphilis. She be giving her man a drink, removing his clothes, grabbing his junk, riding him like a horse, and then tying him up. This is why you cannot give gingers nice things! She put leeches on his penis, folks….LEECHES! Stannis and Davos interrupt and they take the leeches to the fire. Stannis basically names the three people who are false kings: Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy, and Joffrey. If false kings means characters more interesting than Stannis’ basic ass….then I will take the false kings. Boom.
Let’s get to these Second Sons who are all up in Queen Dany’s business. So these homies are all mercenaries who get paid to kill people and they promised the Yunkai assholes that they would kill Dany. So two of these guys are kind of hot and the other one can go take a bath. The one hot guy who sounds like Jason Statham keeps making sexual passes at everyone. He would be my favorite if it weren’t for the new hot guy on the show, Daario. I think the extra “a” is for haaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy, you are haaaaaaaaawwwt. So the date rapists of the show leave, and Dany is wondering what the fuck that was about. The date rapists pick coins to determine who gets to kill Dany, and Daario wins.
So Dany is taking a bath and Daario sneaks in and holds a knife to her slave girl’s throat and Dany is all naked in her Mariah Carey bathtub. Daario did not like that he had to kill Dany, so he killed those two other annoying guys instead by cutting their heads off. Dany is like walking around naked….because she can people….and is like why should I trust your hot ass. He pledges his sword to her….by sword, we hope he means peen.
Most boring character of the episode update: Sam is still fat. Gilly and the baby are still with him. He is still slow and whiny. They hear a white walker who has come for the baby, and Sam tries to beat his ass. Lucky for Sam, he has a knife that kills walkers, and he stabs the Willie Nelson walker before he can grab the baby. Yeah, but Sam is still boring….
Now to the Grand affair…Sansa and Tyrion’s wedding!!!! Tyrion will never hurt Sansa…..probably because she has a good 3 feet on him. Margaery tries to be all nice to Cersei since they will be sisters soon. Cersei’s like…Here I am bitch, here you are bitch, don’t make me break out with a chorus of “Rains of Castamere,” and if you call me sister again, I will have you strangled in your sleep. Two snaps, and a head twist.
The wedding starts and Joffrey insists on giving Sansa away because he is a disgusting little creep boy who should be shot in the balls. He also takes away Tyrion’s stool so he cannot drape Sansa in her cloak. Whatever, wedding is over, let’s all get to the open bar!
Tyrion is wasted!!! Tywin strolls up and tells Tyrion that he needs to put a baby in Sansa. Is it just me or is Tywin the Joe Simpson of Westeros? I mean this is not okay. Loras tries talking to Cersei, and she’s clearly not in the mood for a gay best friend forever. Joffrey harasses Sansa and he seems annoyed she is not thrilled with the idea he might rape her later. He wants to start the bedding ceremony. A bedding ceremony is when the guests strip the bride and groom down to their birthday suits and then proceed to encourage the sex. I say we bring this tradition back! Tyrion is not feeling this, and tells Joffrey that he will cut off his penis. Joffrey is pissed, Tywin calms him down, but hopefully Tyrion really cuts off Joffrey’s dick at some point.
Sansa and Tyrion go to their bedroom, and Sansa looks confused because she clearly does not know what goes where, and how someone so short is going to get anything in anywhere. Sansa starts undressing and Tyrion is waiting for Chris Hansen to walk in. He tells her to stop and that they will wait until she is ready. Sansa’s like….yeah that will be never, and Tyrion really hates his life. Shae strolls in the next morning and is pleased to see that the sheets be clean. I think Tyrion might get another blow job!
Will Arya be reunited with Robb and her mom? Is Gendry still alive? Will Dany and her new boy toy hit the sheets? Did Sansa and Tyrion get a fondue set from anyone? Find out in two weeks on an all new Game of Thrones. Yes next week is a rerun….forward all complaints to HBO!