Happy Memorial Day Weekend, and it’s snowing in Westeros! Does this mean it’s officially winter? So Winter is no longer coming, it’s already here? No wait they are still talking about Winter and it’s coming…What in the actual fuck does Winter mean on this show? I’m beginning to think it’s a dude named Winter. Well, if you thought my rant last week was fun, wait until I unleash the fury again with this episode…that saved itself with the last ten minutes of the show. Here are the highs, lows and fros of this episode:
Oh Johnny Boy: Jon couldn’t resist the urge to throw on his popular fur coat and leave Castle Black. Sam is adorable and gives him some dragonglass. I would have made out with him, but that’s me. Jon is leaving to go frolic among some Wildlings who will most like just smell and not give him the time of day. Whilst Jon is gone, Castle Black actually begins interesting….for no one but Sam…
I AM GOING TO UNLEASH EARLY: So, Aemon passes away. I get it, this show hates women and old people. I’m not surprised and hey he lived a long and fruitful life. And he kept saying Egg in the end, which Sam thought meant his brother, Aegon. I really think he was hungry and wanted eggs. Poor dude. Now here is where I get pissed again. Gilly starts getting harassed by some brothers. Sam comes to her rescue only to get brutally beaten. Basically Gilly is going to be raped before Sam interrupts and then she’s going to get raped when he is knocked down…..STOP RAPING EVERYONE!! Is Lady Olenna next? Are we going to rape her too?! Like stop it! I cannot do this every week and sit through another fucking woman being treated like horse shit. Anyway Sam saves her because all women need saving. Math is hard and all we know how to do is clean. And let’s be real Ghost the wolf actually
Oh, My: I left out that Sam finally lost his virginity. He didn’t really do much and was so excited he said, “oh, my.” Cute…sure! But thank you for not showing anyone naked for a change. I really appreciated it on this one.
Theon Is a Fucking Useless Piece of Shit: Clearly my favorite intro line of the week. I think I really said it all. So after last week’s bullshit storyline of Sansa getting raped, this week we get to see the after rape scenes. This is giving me warm fuzzies. There are bruises all over her arms. Now to the viewers who actually believed she knew what she was getting into, and it’s “not rape” because she’s married…you can all fuck off because she’s being raped. No one signs up to be raped every night and beaten. Give me a break. Sansa begs Theon for help, yes after telling him off last week. And Theon isn’t Theon, he is REEK! He runs straight to Ramsay and tells him that Sansa plans on lighting a candle in the window to signal for help.
I’m watching Lifetime movies all day because even those shitty stories have better endings than Sansa’s story. Sansa gives Ramsay shit for being a bastard, and he lets her know her brother is a high ranking bastard. Also, Ramsay was made the legitimate heir to Bolton’s fortunes, but guess what…. Still a bastard. Then he lets her know that Reek betrayed her and he had that nice old lady skinned alive for helping her…….Cue the dramatic music and weekly shot of Sansa crying.
Winter is Coming, Melisandre won’t be Coming: Yeah I spelled coming wrong. Stannis is worried about winter…wow breaking news Captain Obvious. He doesn’t want to get stuck at Castle Black all winter especially if it lasts three years. I don’t understand these season’s whatsoever. The global warning there must be terrible. Melisandre wants him to be positive since he saw a snowball fight in the fire. He doesn’t know what he saw, and she’s like but all my prophecies came true! Stannis points out they don’t have king’s blood, and she’s like ohhhhh we have your cute little greyscaled daughter that likes to teach everyone to read…..Oh no bitch. Nobody puts Shireen in the fire! Stannis throws her the fuck out, and not even the Lord of Light wants to deal with her shit.
Awkward Father/Daughter/Uncle/Niece Moments: Jaime wants to take Myrcella home. She explains that she likes Dorne and she’s in love. He insists, and she’s like hello we don’t really know each other so bye Uncle Dad and go home. He looks confused.
Queen of Thorns vs. High Sparrow: This sounds like a fight between birds in a tree. Lady Olenna wants her grandkids released, and the High Sparrow says no. I don’t really understand how these people have all this power. It’s 20 guys not having sex and doing yoga. How hard can they be to beat? Lady Olenna calls out the hypocrisy of all the sinners in Westeros being free and her grandkids being imprisoned. He’s unmoved and he serves the gods. These gods are NO. FUN. Well she’s going to starve the entire town, so there! Lady Olenna later meets with Baelish and she doesn’t trust him either. He insures her they are on the same side and let’s her know that he has information she’d find interesting……hey now….
Slores of the Week + Gratuitous Nudity: I really loathe the writers of this show when they take young girls and have them be naked just for the fun of it. They also almost killed Bronn and that also displeases me. All in all, the writers are dirty old men who write like cavemen and just like Jon Snow, know nothing about women. So to summarize, Bronn’s in jail with the girls, and he says one of them isn’t that beautiful. She decides that means to whip out her boobs, and then Bronn starts fainting and bleeding. Her spear was poisoned when she struck him, and Bronn is dying. She has the antidote and gives it to him once he declares her the most beautiful woman. I’m glad the women on this show are such positive role models….
Special Update: Tommen is still a pussy and a momma’s boy. Fin.
Not a Special Update: I find the actor playing Daario hot. In other news, I find every scene with Daario boring. I don’t like him with Dany because he makes her boring. In short…this story fucking sucks and is a huge waste of our time. Thanks. P.S. he gives bad advice. Telling her to kill everyone sounds like the perfect recipe for disaster and unleashing crazy Targaryen Dany.
This really just looks like a Gladiator rip-off: No really, this slave pit nonsense looks like a scene out of Gladiator. Jorah and Tyrion get purchased together at Slaver’s Bay because Tyrion uses his mouth to save himself. Basically he is funny, that saved him. Dany goes to a games practice and must stay until one fighter is left standing. Jorah sees her and runs out to fight. God, is he a basic bitch. He kills everyone and presents himself. Dany is not pleased and wants him removed. He screams he has a gift and Tyrion comes running out and presents himself as the gift. She asks who he is, and he explains that he is Tyrion Lannister. She does not look amused. Okay is it exciting they are meeting? YES! Is this good news for Tyrion? I don’t think so since Dany really hates anyone from Westeros that did not help her family. Bottom line: I’m nervous for my favorite Imp.
Orange is the New Cersei: Cersei visits Margaery in jail. Margaery is looking shall we say, less than fresh. The bitch is dirty, and this is me being polite. She’s not having any of Cersei’s B.S., and keeps telling her she’s a horrible bitch and to get out. Cersei will not be insulted and leaves, smiling gleefully as she leaves her cell. She just LOVES what the High Sparrow has done to Margaery. But wait, there’s more! Remember when Baelish had something to tell Lady Olenna? It’s about a boy named Lancel. The High Sparrow calls out Cersei for her own behavior. He knows everything of what went on between Cersei and her cousin. It’s all her fault, you know because she’s the female seducer. If this wasn’t Cersei getting screwed over, I would be pissed another woman is getting shit on. Anywho, Cersei’s smirk quickly disappears and she is arrested and thrown in jail. She threatens her scary butch nun like guards and threatens them with death. Cersei…..you in danger girl.
Tune in next week for an all new Rape of Thrones! I mean Game of Thrones!