I’m not happy after this week’s Game of Thrones. I shall not hold back, because I have been so sick this past week that Jorah had it easier than I did. Yes, I felt that gross. He also recuperated quicker than I, so what the hell is that about? I get this show is ending quicker rather than later, but did that have to go at mach speed? Any who let’s take a look at this week’s highs and lows, and everything in between in “The Queen’s Justice”.
Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 3 Recap: “The Queen’s Justice”
Airdate: July 30, 2017
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG: So taking a deep breath, and <whispers softly> Daeny and Jon finally meet. I should have known that giving us complete and utter satisfaction at the beginning of the episode was a sign that I would be pissed by the end of the episode. But we will get to that later. So Jon saunters onto Dragonstone and sees his first dragon. I was hoping the dragon would recognize him in some way and just start licking his face. That did not happen. Melisandre is hiding on top of the cliff, because guess what, everyone hates her. Vicerys is all like “girl you best leave and never come back” and she’s all like “boy we both gonna die by the end of the show.” Yep she totally spoiled it, they both going to die. Not that this is a huge shock, it’s just nice to know that these two assholes will get what’s coming to them.
Daeny and Jon’s first meeting goes totally not as well as we would want it to. You can’t have that much pretty in a room and have it make sense.
Targaryen Family Reunion: Okay so they don’t know they are related, I was also hoping for some kumbayah moment eye look where they would just get it, but the whole ice and fire thing is just creating a huge hot mess (not the good kind like me). Daeny is upset Jon won’t bend the knee, he doesn’t get why he has to, she says she’s sorry her father was a huge dick, he’s like hey there’s an army of dead guys…wait say what? Jon didn’t transition well to that subject, but now that we mentioned it, yeah there’s an army of dead guys who make Cersei look like a scary puppy. Daeny is focused on mentioning that the throne is hers every second and that she’s the last Targaryen – INSERT HUGE SIDE EYE FROM THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE BECAUSE NO YOU ARE NOT! Davos tries to back Jon up, and his bromance with him is truly adorable, but no one is buying their story. Round one goes to Daeny T for her ensemble alone.
Theon the Pee-on: Still alive, didn’t die, don’t know why, and don’t care. Hopefully gets burnt at the stake and then extinguished and then burnt alive again.
Bam Margera on a Horse: I know the internet thinks Euron looks like fat Pacey from Dawson’s Creek, but he also looks like fat Bam Margera. It might actually be Bam Margera considering this dude dresses like a pirate, flies in the air, and just tortures us with bad jokes. Daeny learns that her allies were captured, and Euron parades the ladies around King’s Landing as they are called whores. You have to love the people of King’s Landing, they always turn out for slut shaming parade. Euron presents Ellaria and her daughter as gifts to Cersei, and he wants her as his reward. She says he will get his reward once they win the war….and I highly doubt that will happen. She likes dudes with gold hands, not eyeliner. Euron does get points for taunting Jaime that he will stick his finger in Cersei’s ass. Jaime’s left wondering how Euron knew she likes that…just guessing!
Cersei’s Revenge is….: Yeah it’s pretty bad, granted I thought the Mountain was going to have his way with Ellaria or her daughter Tyene. While it’s not as bad as THAT would be (Shame lady totally had it worse in my scary thoughts), Cersei kisses Tyene with the same if not worse poison used to kill her own daughter. So Ellaria’s punishment is to live and watch her daughter die and rot away. That SUCKS! Well played Cersei, you a sick bitch.
TWINCEST!: Oops they did it again, and forget about the queen bows to no one, because she got on her knees faster than a whore in church. Bonus info: she made sure he didn’t put the gold hand back on. I don’t know what’s creepier, that hand on or off.
Iron Bank aka Sallie Mae: Iron Bank wants their money back before they end up in a weird Sallie Mae/Navient situation where they got to change their name and confuse everyone. They sent Mycroft Holmes to get the money, and that just confused me and my British shows up. She makes a case that the Iron Bank should invest in the Lannisters because EVERYONE TOGETHER: they always pay their debts. WE KNOW!
Tyrion is the Wind Beneath Jon Snow’s Wings: As these two bastards brood together, Tyrion tries to steer Jon in the direction of smart. He believes Jon that there is an army of the Dead, but that he has to make Daeny believe it. He explains what makes Daeny a good Queen, and tries to broker a deal between the two regarding the Dragonglass. The two sexy trying to be smart people meet up and come to some sort of agreement that Jon can mine for the Dragonglass and she will help him in any way she can. Honestly the entire time I was trying to figure out why he was wearing his fur coat when it didn’t look that hot on that island.
Another Stark Reunion: Bran’s back……………………………………….<whispers> yay….. Before he gets there Sansa is trying to be head bitch in charge, while Baelish is trying to turn her into a version of himself without that creepy voice and less facial hair. Sansa is excited her REAL BROTHER is back, and that he is the Lord of Winterfell. He’s like hellllloooo I’m the Three Eyed Raven! Bran wasn’t as annoying this episode for the pure reason he confused the shit out of Sansa, turned down her attempt at replacing Jon, and then brought up her wedding day rape nonchalantly. Now we just need Arya walking in asking Sansa who the fuck left her in charge.
WHY IS JORAH STILL ALIVE?!?!: Like why? Really why? I don’t get it, and Sam…I like you but thanks so much for saving this dick who won’t die. And where is stage five clinger going, yep right back to Daeny.
Annexation of Casterly Rock Play: Or basically a rip off of Robb Stark’s maneuvers against Jaime seasons ago. So the Unsullied capture Casterly Rock, sneaking in using the sewers since Tyrion had designed the entire thing himself. Easy right? Yep too easy. The Lannisters weren’t there and the ships are being destroyed by Euron’s ships. It was a SET UP! The Lannisters were busy destroying House Tyrell. My hero, Lady Olenna is done for. That’s it.
No more Queen of Shade spilling tea, gangster grandma, whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?! She even calls Joffrey a “cunt” in her final speech and everything! While Cersei wants to torture her, Jaime gives Olenna poison to drink. She tries to warn him that Cersei is a disease and the most horrific bitch she’s ever met, but Jaime is the dumbest son of a bitch on the planet and loves her. She’s grossed out by this and he’s kind of offended by the anti-Cersei lecture. He really will never get it, I mean the lady got all their kids killed! Anyways Olenna drinks her poison and goes out like the die hard bitch she is – letting Jaime know it was she, not Tyrion – who poisoned Joffrey and thinks Jaime should run along and tell Cersei. MIC DROP!
Next week on Game of Thrones: How will Daeny react to the fact that she is LOSING?! Will she grab a dragon and soufflé someone’s ass? Who is going to die next because no one I dislike is dying and it’s pissing me off?! Can we at least get rid of Theon next week? JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING! Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones!