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The penultimate episode of Game of Thrones seventh season is upon us. Yep that means only ONE episode left. As always, this episode was filled with tons of action, which means next week will have me a pissed off ball of mess on the floor having to wait a year until this finally ends – and then I can buy the box collection you know will be released where I get bonus scenes and relive every freaking moment because too much has happened on this show over the years.
Editor’s Note: Due to unexpected problems with the server, we were unable to publish Amanda’s weekly GoT review on Sunday/Monday as we usually do. We apologize for the delay in getting this up. We hope you’ll still enjoy it.
Clearly this show has ruined my life, and by “ruined” I mean made me an overly dedicated fan rooting for an incest affair, while praying and clutching my rosary beads every week that fictional characters, and ANIMALS do not die…. Well then here we are, let’s look at what happened in Sunday’s episode:
Twisted Sisters: I’m just going to get it over with now and address Winterfell Bitchfest 2017. The scroll Arya found was Sansa’s letter to Robb saying he should bend the knee to Cersei. Arya hates Sansa for helping Joffrey and Cersei, but she had no other choice. We know! We know! Sansa is afraid of what Arya might do with this information, and after an uncomfortable argument about which Stark child had it worse, the two part ways. You know who had it worse: ME FOR HAVING TO LISTEN TO THIS SHIT. This is why I will never get the Stark Family in one of those online Facebook quizzes! They are stupid! It’s like some recessive gene in this family where they cannot help but argue or focus over dumb shit before realizing that they stupid. Even if Arya ends up being aware this was all Littlefinger’s plan, and she’s just pretending, I don’t care! She doesn’t get a medal for being the smartest of the dumb! Yes I love Arya, and would I cry if she killed Sansa? NO! But guess what, she won’t because that would make sense for the sake of my sanity. And if there was any question as to who the dumb one is? Sansa needs to grow a pair and get rid of creepy uncle. He keeps insinuating Arya will harm her, that she starts to believe Arya will harm her. If Arya doesn’t kill Baelish by the end of the season, it better be episode one of next season because I am not sitting through this sister shit for more than two episodes. Your sister got a bag of faces under her bed? So what? Your last husband was a serial killer, no one is perfect! So round one, Arya wins this battle because Sansa looked like she was going to shit herself when she realized Arya could potentially kill her. There’s nothing else for Arya to do in Winterfell except shovel snow, and Sansa is so obnoxious that I hope her and Baelish both die at this point. You are not cute, you are not smart, and you don’t even go to this school!
BEST PRE-FIGHT CONVERSATION EVER: This award goes to the Hound and Tormund. The Hound is terrified of gingers (aren’t we all?). Then he explains to Tormund that “dicks” means penis, because he thinks Tormund might be gay. Nope Tormund isn’t gay; he’s obsessed with Brienne and he cannot wait to go home and impregnate her with their monstrously large children. Is Brienne in on this plan? I am going to guess no, and she should not only leave for King’s Landing as Sansa forces her to do, but she should run for her damn life. If she is not interested in Tormund she needs to have an “it’s not me, it’s you” conversation right away. The Hound looks disgusted with the thought of Brienne mating with anyone, and these two are quickly going to become the next best bromance on this show ever.
Tyrion: Not a flashy title, but I haven’t given my “Imp the Pimp” his due this season. That’s because he’s royally sucked all year. As much as I love him, I can address his faults and this year he has not been his typical genius self. Does he give good advice here and there? Yes, but he’s been outmaneuvered all year and his advice to Dany has not been completely sharp. Is he unsure of himself? It seems so, because his sister keeps beating him in their game of wits. Dany tries to reassure Tyrion she picked him as hand for a reason, but he uses the conversation to focus on her impulsiveness, Jon’s potential love for her, and whether or not she’s considered a successor? I mean yes I love to talk about Jon Snow, but honey did you just ask her when she’s pick someone to take over after she dies? Unless he meant hey let Jon Snow impregnate you then I am down for that, but no and Dany is not thrilled this is even a topic of discussion. She’ll pick a successor when she has the thrown. For Tyrion’s sake, I hope he is more successful next week when Dany meets with the Lannisters.
Photo Credit: Helen Sloan/HBO
The Minor Skirmish Beyond the Wall: I am tired of everything getting called the “Battle of” so I went with Minor Skirmish. Much of the episode focused on the team of men attempting to catch one of the dead to bring to King’s Landing. This plan is also called: What a Bunch of Fucking Idiots, of Course this was Jon Snow’s Idea. We had to listen to little conversations here and there before they approached the dead. They are all cold, Gendry is mad he was sold to Melisandre, Jorah and Jon talk about their fathers, Jon tries to return Jorah’s father’s sword but he refuses it, Jon wants to know why he was brought back to life, and OMG THANK GOD FOR THAT BEAR! Seriously a dead bear luckily came waltzing in and ended this meaning of life motif that lasted way too damn long. The bear pretty much killed Thoros, and let’s face it he was so drunk he would have died of liver failure eventually. The men find a White Walker and are able to capture one of the wights. Mission accomplished, right? Unfortunately, thousands of wights surround the men with only broken ice keeping the dead from their little spot on a rock. Gendry is sent to Eastwatch to send a raven to Dany for help, and Thoros dies of his injuries as they all wait for help or wait to freeze to death. Who is sitting all comfy on the top with his stylish baby blues? The Night King of course. Beric thinks killing the Night King will end everything……No shit Captain Obvious?! Really?! If you didn’t have the cool sword that lights on fire you’d be useless.
The Raven was Really a Text Message: Fastest raven ever, or they gave it meth amphetamines. Dany throws on her white winter coat ensemble and…where the fuck did she get a winter outfit? No really, I know she is the head bitch in charge, but she’s been in warm climates this whole time. It had fur on it and stuff too people! Moving on, the Hound is a huge butt and starts throwing rocks at the dead. When the dead realize the ice is not cracking they attack. Things get shitty, but none of our main heroes dies. The Hound saves Tormund, and luckily Dany comes flying in with her dragons!!! The men board the dragon, except Jon because like I explained earlier, THE STARKS ARE SO STUPID! The Night King uses his fancy spear and kills Viserion. I. Am. Not. Happy. Viserion was the cool one, the Stephanie Tanner of the bunch. He deserved better. Dany is destroyed, but she escapes with the men, as Jon Snow falls through the ice. Jon is alive but surrounded by dead people, when in comes Uncle Benjen!! Their reunion lasts five seconds because Uncle Ben sacrifices himself to save Jon. Jon somehow makes it back to Eastwatch and someone is excited……
WHY DID THEY NOT KISS?: I don’t care they are related, do not judge me. I have had to sit through Cersei and Jaime’s shit for years, so why can I not have this? They were so close. They had a moment dammit! Jon apologizes to Dany (yes, he calls her Dany now, awwww), and said the plan was stupid. No shit! She says it wasn’t his fault and she needed to see the dead to believe it. Her child was killed and she will destroy the Night King. She laughs he calls her Dany, and he agrees to call her his Queen. He will bend the knee….when he can get up out of the bed, he is injured as always. She looks like she wants to kiss him, she doesn’t, he looks sad, and IF YOU GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES THIS WOULD ALL BE RESOLVED! So if this battle didn’t take enough energy out of us, we see a finaly shot of the dead pulling Viserion out of the water and the Night King reanimating him. Well they are all fucked. The End.
What will happen when Cersei, Dany, and Jon all come face to face for their meeting? Will Cersei be a royal pain in the ass as usual? Will anyone listen to Jon? Will the dead guy walking around convince them all to fight together? In all seriousness is Lena Headey just excited to shoot a scene that involves the rest of the cast? Poor lady has been stuck with the same people for years. Find out next week on the season finale of Game of Thrones!
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