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The game continues with strategic maneuvers underway to secure power, but who are the pawns and who are the powerful?
First off let’s get this out of the way…. my boyfriend Jon Snow is still alive. Seriously folks we are Facebook official. Oops the show, sorry. Jon gets dragged back to camp after Craster catches his fine butt spying on him. Craster is the dude sleeping with his daughters and killing off his male heirs. Weird right? While every man is dying for a male heir, this man sacrifices them to a creature we have not seen. Who eats babies? Really? I mean other than January Jones, but that is just placenta. Unfortunately for Jon, his Lord Commander tells him he just has to deal with the situation. Something tells me my man is going to go looking for trouble…
In Winterfell, Little Bran Stark is having weird dreams that are actually premonitions. Poor little guy’s dreams come true. If this happened to me, Jon and I would be…Ok I did it again. SORRY. Do we actually think people will listen to Bran? Probably not. Like every soap character that has ever had the power of premonition, Bran will get the “You crazy” look. As if not being named after a muffin wasn’t the least of his problems.
Every week a new king is featured. I feel like I am watching a twisted version of The Bachelor. Renly Baratheon, little brother to the dead King and Stannis, is off looking like a fashionista. Seriously this guy has the best crown and queen….but we shall get to that later!! The viewer is introduced to a new character this week during a friendly duel (YES ANOTHER CHARACTER). The Queen’s brother is fighting with a masked soldier. The masked soldier wins and is revealed as a WOMAN. HOLY SWITCHING UP GENDER ROLES AGAIN BATMAN! So last week we had met Yara who is leading her father’s army, and now we have Brienne. Renly is impressed with Brienne’s victory and makes her part of his guard. Okay, Brienne is one tall bitch. Can I say bitch? Well I just did twice. Brienne of Tarth makes it clear to Caitlynn Stark…she is NO lady. Seriously she is so tall I am afraid to even say anything bad because…..I’m scared.
Over on the Iron Islands, Theon is still trying to impress his family. It is not a coincidence Theon rhymes with “peon.” This guy drives me to drink. I love a good complainer every now and then but dude…you are not that special. Balon Greyjoy and Yara make it perfectly clear that Theon will have to turn against Robb to be part of the family. Ok I have to say bitch again, Theon is a bitch. First he was the Stark’s bitch, now he is the Greyjoy’s bitch.
Speaking of driving me to drink…Sansa. Sansa, I just don’t know what I am going to do with you. One minute I like you, the next I am hoping someone smacks you around. While I perfectly understand that she has to keep up the ruse that she loves Joffrey to stay alive, that doesn’t give you an excuse to be an obnoxious brat. On a positive note, this scene proves that Cersei’s other children are normal. It’s like a Medieval Christmas Miracle. While having dinner with Sansa and her children, Cersei mentally plays games with Sansa. How many times will Sansa have to say she loves Joffrey and that her brother Robb should die? Even the kids are like really? Also, hello Team Tommen! Tommen is the little brother to Joffrey, and might be the smartest person at that table and he is only eight. He is nice, he loves his uncle Tyrion, and he seems aware his brother is a huge butthead.
Tyrion has been making moves himself. Shae, his girlfriend, is now handmaiden to Sansa. Well this should be interesting, and might actually make Sansa likeable! If Shae teaches Sansa how to have a potty mouth like her, I may get reinvested in a Sansa storyline. Right now though, Sansa is being a typical bitch. Tyrion also rightfully predicts that Theon will turn on Robb. This man is my hero: the genius among fools.
Back to Renly Baratheon the king of….Ok even I have no freaking clue. In case you might not have seen season one, Renly has a little secret not that many people know about. He is kinda, sorta, just a tad…yeah he is Gay! He is the King of Gay! Boy likes the boys! His boyfriend is actually his brother in law, Sir Loras Tyrell. Yes the same Loras who lost to Brienne in a fight a few moments ago. Well that fight totally killed the mood for Loras who stops Renly’s advances and questions his actions as king. In fact, he also points out that Renly’s been married to his sister Margaery for two weeks now and STILL no sex. On what other show does a brother meddle in his sister’s love life?…..okay The Borgias but so far that brother isn’t gay so this show still has the edge.
Now we are reintroduced to Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer), Renly’s new queen. I. Heart. This. Bitch. When Margaery appears in their bed chamber, Renly comments on how he loves her gown….not a hint he is gay whatsoever. To make a long story short, she gets naked! Renly is having issues rising to the occasion even with Margaery’s help so she suggests to her husband that her brother come in to help them get started…..Have I mentioned that I LOVE THIS BITCH!!! Oh. My. God. Who says this stuff? She even says if it is easier to pretend she’s her brother she is down with that too. Now just to be clear, she isn’t like Cersei and willing to sleep with her brother…no she is just willing to SHARE with her brother. Sharing is caring and this Queen wants his peen. God I hope I can say that too. Margaery knows what’s up, knows her role, and is just looking to give Renly an heir. Unlike Cersei so far this woman knows what she is doing, and I cannot wait to see more. P.S. Natalie Dormer rocks (watch The Tudors immediately – RUN do not walk).
Cersei learns that Tyrion has betrothed her daughter Myrcella to someone for political alliance. While Cersei is clearly evil in certain moments, her affection for her children is her only salvageable quality. She does not want her daughter to end up like her, married to a gross old king. Honey, your daughter is already smarter than you and not sleeping with her brother. Either way the rift between Tyrion and Cersei continues to grow as both try to out maneuver the other. Tyrion is slowly learning how little he knew about his family’s actions while he was away. Varis says to Tyrion, “Power resides where men believe it resides. It’s a trick, a shadow on the wall. And a very small man can cast a very large shadow.” Translation: It’s ON folks!
Remember Theon the Peon? Well to make matters worse he is now officially aligned with his family. He becomes born again and baptized as a Greyjoy. Well I am ready to kill the bastard. In fact I hope he loses his penis, and with this show this might even be a possible spoiler alert. There is playing both sides, but then there is just being a complete dumbass. I cannot deal with dumbass. I can deal with bitchy, I can deal with sucking up…but this is just plain and simple stupid. So he has now joined the Hot Mess list of death with Joffrey. Congratulations Theon.
Arya is having trouble sleeping and asks Yoren about how he sleeps having seen what he has seen. Yoren is a badass if I have no mentioned it before. Unfortunately his story is not as uplifting as Arya wanted it to be. The horns sound and Yoren goes down fighting to protect his recruits. This dude was shot with a crossbow and still kept fighting until he was finally run through with a sword. However, if “what is dead may never die” will he be returning from the dead? Okay probably just wishful thinking on my part, but how sad is it that Arya’s newfound father figure is now also dead. Arya and the other boys try to escape the King’s guard but they all end up captured. When one boy asks to be carried due to injury, the guard kills him. The men are looking for Gendry and threaten them with torture should they not reveal the boy’s identity. Arya, this brilliant little bitch, names the dead boy as Gendry and says he carried the bull’s head helmet that is Gendry’s signature creation. When this show is over THIS LITTLE GIRL BETTER BE SAFE!!
Where was HBIC Dany this week? Does she realize that her crown is in jeopardy with Margaery and little Arya almost matching her HBIC stature this week? What about Brienne? The strong women are growing in numbers and proving to be no match for their male counterparts, who have no clue what the hell is really going on. Stay tuned for next week when hopefully there will be dragons and sex….but not sex with the dragons. You know what I’m saying!
R U really a “hot mess”?!?!?