The tension has been building week after week, and this episode kicks off with a resounding…..Fart. Yep there was a fart, it’s understandable. I mean we all have our moments and when you are tense you fart. Right? Funny way to kick off an episode filled with some very WTF moments.
Robb Stark is still kicking butt on the battlefield, but the Mama’s boy is still proving to be quite the moron. Poor Bobby boy doesn’t realize that for all his actions there are reactions. He even admits to a nurse that he has no desire to sit on the Iron Throne. All these people risking their lives for you, and really you just want one person dead? Great plan Robb. Good job. That makes perfect sense, and really speaks volumes about war in general. Here is a tip: DO NOT TELL PEOPLE YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A LEADER AND HAVE NO PLAN. The Mama’s boy is giving me a headache. In fact, let her do all your talking, that’s how mad I am at you!
For all of Robb’s victories, Sansa is the one who suffers the most. King Joffrey has her beaten, but leaves her face pretty because ya know he still has to look at her. This bitch. You know that character that you are just waiting to be killed, that’s not Joffrey. In fact, I don’t want Joffrey dead anymore. I want him changed to a rock and slowly disemboweled. Then he can die. All these men are watching Sansa getting the crap beaten out of her and who saves her? The Pimp Imp. Tyrion quickly has Sansa covered up, as this is no way a King should be treating his future Queen. Praise Jesus for the Pimp. Tyrion cannot handle this fool Joffrey so he thinks the answer to everyone’s prayers would be getting Joffrey some ass. Good plan but really feeling bad for the poor bitch that has to go through that mess. Bronn tells Tyrion it is worth a shot but, “there is not cure for being a c**t.” (GREATEST LINE EVER…or at least this week).
Joffrey is greeted in his room by two prostitutes. These poor bitches. Anyone reading 50 Shades of Gray? Well if you are: HAVE A SEAT because this s**t is about to get serious. Joffrey has a fetish if you want to call it that. Actually I am pretty sure anyone who engages in S&M is actually judging him. Joffrey has one prostitute beat the other. Yes it starts off friendly with a whip, but the introduction of the huge steel rod is a bit of, OMG THEY NEED A SAFE WORD! The girl is screaming, Joffrey is smiling, and I want this dude to lose his penis.
If Joffrey wasn’t nasty enough, then we have Baelish running around trying to make deals. Who does this bastard think he is running around like a Real Housewife trying to play both sides? Honey you are not worthy. He visits Renly and constantly makes references to him being gay. Listen, your nickname is Littlefinger…..yeah who gonna check me boo?! He even presses Margaery for information about her husband’s performance in the bedroom. Queen Margaery OWNS his ass, gives him no private info and leaves him with: “My husband is my king and my king is my husband.” Translation: MY VAGINA IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
OMG QUEEN DANI IS ALIVE. PRAISE CRISPY DRAGON BABY JESUS! Oh. They are still dirty. Moving on…
Anya is alive and so are all her friends like Gendry and….yeah Mandy doesn’t learn names. They are in what appears to be a really gross and dark prisoner camp. I feel like a broken record but again, people looking for information so they are torturing these poor kids. After the S&M stuff I don’t think this is really going to…OMG THEY ARE MAKING A RAT EAT THIS KID ALIVE WTF IS GOING ON? Yeah it was gross.
Speaking of rats, we are back to Baelish and this time he is bugging Mama Stark. This fool cannot be serious right now. You trick this lady’s husband and he gets sentenced to death and because you have a crush on her you think you can just roll up to her tent and get busy? HELLLLL NAWWW. Baelish claims he wants to protect the Stark children, but he is still lying that they have possession of Arya. He wants to arrange a trade for Jaime. Great now he thinks he is Mark Cuban, bitch getting on my last nerve. If this didn’t piss me off, he hands over the remains of Ned Stark to Mama. Catelyn stares at the box like Brad Pitt at the end of Se7en screaming “What’s in the box, what’s in the f*****g box?”
Stannis and Renly have a meetup about who is the rightful king, if they are going to fight, and blah blah blah and BLOOP BLOOP. Stannis is so boring! I mean I am trying people, but the ginger crazy lady is more interesting! Renly’s little argument with her was better than anything he said to his brother. Apparently no one likes Stannis, see it’s not just me! Stannis offers Renly a deal to surrender, but Renly doesn’t take it. Ginger cray lady is not playing around and warns Renly about the dark. I have no idea what this means, but this lady was all about the Lord of the Light a week ago and now she’s talking about dark. This feels like it was written by Sylvia Browne.
Dani arrives at a town called Quarth, where she believes she will be protected. I’d like to personally thank the guy who receives her for explaining to us that his name is too long to pronounce so we never have to learn it! Well thank you Sir! I shall call him Dude. Dude wants to see the dragons and Dani isn’t pleased. Okay I would never question the HBIC but it’s not like he asked to see her tatas. Dude is rude and has a ‘tude, and my Queen Dani is pissed! HBIC gonna start a FIYAH! These men don’t care and the Thirteen have spoken! Okay who are the Thirteen exactly? Are they important? Did I miss something? Do they work for PBS? Ooo who is the tall black man? OMG he gets dialogue?? That’s two weeks in a row!! This guy, tall black guy, vouches for Dani and wants her to stay. Clearly he has recognized Dani is flawless.
Back to Arya and her friends in prison. Tywin Lannister pays the place a visit and is not pleased with what he sees. Why are they making me like this guy right now? Really? As if I didn’t think other bad characters had good sides, you go and do this? Tywin would rather the prisoners be used as laborers and not tortured and killed. Now this is who should be running sweat shops. Also, it takes him about ten seconds to realize Arya is in fact a girl and he is impressed she hid it for so long. He is so impressed that she fooled everyone that she gets the job as his new cup bearer. Does this involve alcohol? Is Arya going to be a fancy bartender? I cannot even love this kid any more than I do! NOW SHE GETS CONTROL OF THE DRINKS!! Booze girlie booze! Okay random side note: Arya constantly is repeating names during the night. What did I miss? Why does she do that? Clearly I was distracted by a random sex scene and am completely oblivious at times.
Next we get a random exchange between Tyrion and Cersei’s new loverboy Knight. Apparently he smells like Cersei. If you ask me he also wears similar clothing and styles his hair like her, but I digress. When Tyrion questions him as to why he is sleeping with his Queen the poor guy just says he was following orders!!!! To make a long story short, he will be spying for Tyrion and keeping a close eye on the Queen. By eye I mean penis obviously. #WesterosProblems
Okay. This is where s**t gets freaky. Yes here. The end. I don’t even know what to tell you all. Apparently, Stannis has super sperm. Yep, boring old dude got super sperm. As the crazy ginger lady is being led into the dark she starts getting naked. Now this has clearly been normal behavior for Melisandre as we have seen so far on the show. However this time, bitch is Jessica Simpson preggo! Okay that was harsh, no one is Jessica Simpson level preggo. She is full term and giving birth already. This is like Rosemary’s Baby without the really old people hovering over the hoohah area. Then, and I am not even making this s**t up, black stuff comes flying out of her vajayjay. OMG I hope she names the kid Smokey. Seriously it starts flying out like smoke, and starts to form the shape of a person. We got a shadow baby that looks like it’s related the the Lost monster!! Was that the Devil? Once again gingers get a bad rap because this crazy bitch cannot have a normal baby. OMG is the baby a ginger?
Just when I think I have seen it all, this show surprises me YET AGAIN! My only complaint, my boyfriend Jon Snow wasn’t on but really I was keeping him busy. Oh yeah! Will Jon Snow or Cersei return next week? What the hell has Jaime Lannister been doing all this time, I am bored for him?! Will Robb Stark grow a pair? Will Dani get her hair did? Cannot wait for next week, where hopefully our favorite ginger cray and her baby stir up some trouble!!