The females of Westeros take center stage in this week’s Mother’s Day episode that explores women’s sexuality, motherhood, and intelligence in a male dominated world.
Theon. Not a mother but a mother*****. I just had to get that joke out there right away. He realized Osha has gotten away and the Stark children have escaped. You cannot spell Pathetic Annoying Bastard without the letters: T–H-E-O-N.
And speaking of bastards, my FAVORITE fictional husband Jon “I’d do him in a pile of” Snow is waking up with morning wood. I never thought I would say this but I wish I was Ygritte in this moment. Yes I just wished to be a ginger mess. Do I like Ygritte making the moves on my man? Of course not, but I love that his penis is a focal point of conversation for a whole two minutes. Ygritte realizes Jon is a virgin. How dare she judge him while obviously pointing out she must NOT be one. The Night’s Watch cannot have sex, just like the Knights cannot have sex. Clearly everyone has sex so these rules will be broken in probably about hmmm two episodes? That’s my educated “when will the ginger steal my man’s virginity in cold climate” guess. Ygritte is really pushing her Wildlings’s beliefs on Jon and how these were their lands. Are the Wildlings the Native Americans of Westeros, just with bad bathing habits?
Tywin is making plans of attack while Arya prepares his food. He doesn’t like mutton and suggests she eat it. UGH. So I have to fix her eyebrows and her eating habits. Great. Aside from the mutton, Tywin and Arya are having another bonding moment. He is teaching her about what legacy means, how he will win the war, and the story of the dragons. Arya fangirls out when Tywin mentions dragons, and gives him a detailed account of the Targaryen female warriors. Seriously this better be Dany/Arya friendship foreshadowing. If those two ever had to be on opposite sides I would have an emotional crisis. Tywin points out how educated Arya is and how she reminds him of Cersei. Yeah. No. Arya wouldn’t sleep with her brother. Okay maybe Jon, but its Jon. Tywin then calls out Arya because he KNOWS SHE IS NOT A COMMONER!!! Oh Snap. Arya wasn’t fooling him at all. She says “My Lord” instead of the commoner’s way of saying “M’Lord.” Another adorable scene between these two characters who have a warped father/daughter conversation, but as Tywin explains to Arya he likes her but she should not push her luck.
Meanwhile Sansa wants to know why the Hound is so cruel and scary………………………………………………………..SHUT UP! When someone saves your life they get a free pass and can treat you like crap. Also, with a face like that he has no other choice than to be cruel.
Xaro Whatever Whatever (Black dude who wants to marry Dany) insists he did NOT steal the baby dragons. Why has no one issued a Westeros Amber Alert? This is a serious issue here! HBIC Dany is pissed, but still looking flawless.
Ygritte is still going on and on about Wildlings and how they are free. Forget Native Americans, this lady is from the Church of Scientology. If she mentions Hubbard, RUN JON RUN!!
Robb learns from a messenger that Cersei tore up his piece of paper that says he is King of the North. What did he really expect? And seriously he passed her a note? When you are King you carve that s**t on someone’s dead body. Lady Talisa comes in and………..she could have maybe tried to clean the dirt off her face. Maybe this is foreplay in this world because Robb seems to dig it. She informs Robb that she needs more supplies, and he suggests she ride with him to get some………There is going to be lots of riding. Mmmhmm.
Oh a Theon scene. Yeah he needs to get eaten by a dragon. Still basic…have a seat.
Jorah rode back to help Dany since he got news of the missing dragons. Why is he always out of breath? Is he a smoker? I’m worried already about his health. One handmaiden is dead, the other missing. Wait Doreah is missing? Suspicious!!! She was the one who always asked about the dragons! Also, I haven’t trusted this bitch since she played Louise on one of my British soaps, Hollyoaks. Dany is luckily trusting NO ONE, but having a HBIC meltdown. It happens to the best of HBIC, but in fairness she is having the sh**iest Mother’s Day ever. She orders Jorah to go get her dragons. Wait I thought she trusted no one……..?
Ygritte plans on telling everyone that Jon dry humped her the night before. Again she brings up his penis. Bitch clearly you want to see it! She then starts showing Jon her vagina and talking about it and………LALALALA I didn’t need to see or hear that. She tells him her vagina doesn’t have teeth. Okay whoa, you do not make a virgin more comfortable by even bringing that up. At this point I do not even blame Jon for not wanting to sleep with her…..Ginger hooha your first time around can be overwhelming. Take your time Jon. Ygritte then breaks free of Jon, runs away, and then whistles at Jon. Unfortunately for Jon he is surrounded by Wildlings. This. Bitch. Okay she can die now.
Sansa is having nightmares about getting attacked. Sansa is having a terrible, no good, very bad day! To make matters worse she has had a total YM period accident in her bed. For those of you that don’t get that reference, YM was a teen magazine that posted letters from girls who had period accidents. True. Story. And now you are all just shaking your heads. You are welcome. Unfortunately for Sansa this means she is ready to have kids….with Joffrey. UGH, I’d rather eat that mutton. Shae tries to cover the blood stains, threatens another maid, but the Hound has already discovered Sansa’s bed sheet issues. There is a Hound, period joke that should be here but I am keeping it clean this week.
Cersei quickly learns of Sansa’s new journey into womanhood! Mazel tov!! Sansa did not expect getting her period to be this messy……………I just cannot even. My laughter is causing me pain. Hold please. Wooooo okay, Cersei does not even pull punches and explains the blood flow is worse once you have had children. Laughing AGAIN. Sorry folks I’m not ALWAYS this immature when it comes to period talk. It DEPENDS. Cersei goes on to explain to Sansa her womanly duty to Joffrey. She is aware that Sansa might not love that little prick but she will at least love her children. Sansa insists she does love Joffrey which Cersei says she thinks is nice. Really from the look on her face you can tell she is like “WHAT THE F**K DO YOU MEAN HE IS TERRIBLE?!” Cersei explains to Sansa, “the more people you love, the weaker you are.” (best line of the episode) Definitely true words with regards to this show, however I am kind of bummer my mother and I never had a conversation like this when I got my first period.
Oh look its JAIME!!! We have not seen Jaime for weeks now as he has been imprisoned, sitting in his own poop, and really hairy. I’ll like him again when he cleans up. Jaime is being fangirled by the messenger Cersei sent. Unfortunately Jaime kills him as a means to escape from imprisonment, and then kills the guard. Oh who cares I want someone important to die. BORING.
So Jorah visits this random masked lady in a fancy tiled S&M bondage style mask to ask if she has the dragons. The lady is tattooing some naked dude’s back. Which leads me all to ask…..where can I get one of those masks? No really WHO is this lady? I am confused. Did I miss an introduction? How does she know so much? Can she teach make up tips to the other ladies because her eye liner is fierce? She tells Jorah that someone with Dany has her dragons. She also asks Jorah if he will betray Dany again. Oh. No. He. Did. Not.
Dany and Xaro are having a town meeting with the 13 random guys of Qarth. Who is the Creepy Thin Bald Dude? I have no idea who he is. He looks like one of the dudes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode Hush where they all lost their voices!! I am going to have nightmares now. Creepy Thin Bald Dude says that Dany is the mother of dragons and she should have her dragons over and over. Some point in this meeting we learn Creepy Thin Bald Dude has taken Dany’s dragons, and he works for Xaro but I am still confused. Long story short, Creepy thin Bald dude kills all the guys, and Jorah tries to kill him but the bastard can move around like magic and he tells Dany the dragons are in the House of the Undying. Is he friends with the ginger cray Melisandre? First you take my baby dragons, and then you bring on a dude that looks like he molests baby dragons?? What are you doing to me???
Jaime got caught again. Yeah I do not care, that is what you get for boring me earlier. All the men want him killed, but Mama Stark saves his ass. She has Jaime bound and gagged, because he is a funny asshole. Mama Stark got some kink in her.
Tyrion and Cersei discuss how they have a problem called Joffrey. Thank God they can both agree Joffrey is a little asshole. Tyrion admits he was wrong bringing Joffrey prostitutes to beat the crap out of, and Cersei agrees that he cannot be controlled. Cersei doesn’t understand how Joffrey can enjoy cruelty, but thinks this is her punishment for sleeping with her brother. Tyrion tries to point out that the Tagaryens engaged in incest for centuries, but Cersei cannot help but to feel humbled by her sin. Damn you Game of Thrones I just felt bad for the bitch!!
Catelyn visits Jaime but in all honestly Jaime steals the scene with his humor. He seriously asks if Brienne is a woman. HAHAHA. I love this snarky bastard. Catelyn thinks he is a man without honor. In fairness to Jaime, there are just way too many vows to keep up with when you are a knight. I lost track already. Jaime also points out that her husband was also a man without honor. Jaime has only been with Cersei, while Ned cheated on Catelyn at some point and had Jon Snow. Ooooo that real talk had to hurt. He also points out that Catelyn must have hated Jon, who was walking proof of how Ned dishonored her. Mama looks pissed!
Theon is speaking to the people of Winterfell and told them he had warned them. He unveils two crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken looking bodies of what appears to be two children. Guessing that would be the Stark boys, but WHAT AN ASSHOLE! My guess is that they are still alive and Theon could not go through with killing them OR he could not find them. If they really are dead then Theon needs to get his penis cut off and then die in a fire, extinguished, and then set on fire again.
This show is bad for my heart! What is Creepy Thin Bald Dude doing with the baby dragons? What is going to happen to Jon with the Wildlings?!! Are the Stark kids really dead? Will Catelyn have Jaime killed or save his ass again? Come back next week for more Game of Thrones!