After weeks of shocking deaths and serious business, “Sons of Anarchy” takes a fresh breath of air as the boys are about to embark in the magical world of prostitution. I mean escorting. I mean…. yeah, there is no nice word for it.
Jax continues to keep a journal of his thoughts for his children just like his father did. To summarize…Jax needs a hug. I mean a big old bear hug. Can I volunteer myself? Jax is full of hate. He feels like crap for having to do nasty shit week after week. When Opie died, a part of Jax died with him. Normally this would be where I’d make a “he needs to get laid” joke, but he is married to Tara and…..No.
SAMCRO meets up with the Mayor (or as I call him “that guy who played a bad guy on “Buffy” like 20 times”). Apparently the lodge that Jax wants to use for the escort business belongs to the Mayor. Oh. This just gets better and better. The Mayor quickly says no, but Jax brings up how his developmental plans for Charming are at a standstill. Jax offers to help him with the Charming Heights project if the Mayor can help them. Leave it to Jax to want to open up a brothel with the Mayor during an election year.
SAMCRO holds their own meeting to discuss current events. So far, the gun deal is going down as planned, Clay is worried about Pope, the Nomads are being as annoying as can be, and Chibs is worried about still having a hand in the drug business (The minutes to your meetings fail in comparison, ladies and gentlemen). Jax suggests that the club make a business venture into the art of the selling of the female body for allocated periods of time in a clean establishment. He did not use those exact words, but I like to be eloquent. They all take a vote, and no one is against the idea.
Jax runs into Gemma, who is a bit frazzled she cannot get in touch with Nero. Jax tells her to not get attached to Nero, as it was likely only a business arrangement. Leave it to Jax to make his mother feel like a complete whore (Which isn’t really hard, I mean this is Gemma, and she hasn’t changed her outfit in months).
Tara has her hand re-examined and the doctor is impressed at how well it is healing. She might be able to perform surgeries again one day. Tara seems slightly surprised and bummed out. This bitch can do nothing right.
In the other part of town, the gun deal with the Irish and the Cartel is going down. It’s like a parade of bikers, Irish men and Spanish drug lords!! Who haven’t we offended yet? The Irish leader, Gaalen (I just reported it folks, I am not his momma) is pleased to see Clay, but annoyed that Jax is now the President of SAMCRO. He still hates Jax for what went down in Belfast years ago (For those that don’t know, short summary: Some Irish took Jax’s son, so Jax shot up a bunch of people and then left with his kid. It happens).
The two grown adult males decide to engage in a fist fight (My one issue: Why is Irish guy topless, but Jax is not? How is this fair to the female audience?). Jax is getting his face pounded in, but he does not back down. At some point (guessing during the commercial break) the fight is over and the deal goes down. All parties are pleased but Gaalen wants to prove the guns work and shoots up everyone’s motorcycles……….Jax will be sending him a bill (Seriously that was bad ass, and I would like a semi automatic rifle on a tripod like that dude had).
At some point during all of this, a fat dude got drugged with some fudge…No, this is not a joke (And I would never comment on someone’s weight, but they even refer to him as obese so I HAVE PERMISSION). Anyway back to the fat guy later…
Gemma visits Nero, who is busy packing up his old brothel to move into his new one that has not been secured yet. Gemma apologizes to Nero for the whole “my daughter-in-law and I beat up your friend Carla” situation. Nero is being very coy and Gemma is feeling more and more like a piece of shit by the minute. She’s impressed that Nero is getting into business with the club, but she wants to know why he is being an asshole to her. He tells her the truth that he has to stay away from her as per Jax’s request. He also throws her against the wall. Apparently getting smacked around is favorite thing in the world because the bitch looks turned on. Gemma is very displeased her son just cock blocked her.
Fat guy is now dressed like an S&M bondage slave and the guys are all taking photos of him. Nero sends over a guy in drag named Venus over to kick the party into high gear (Okay, I say “guy in drag,” but this bitch has bigger boobs than me). Tig is in love with her, or him, or just Venus. This poor bitch is getting paid two grand to straddle the fat dude, while they all take pictures.
Fat guy’s stepson stumbles upon them all and is quickly aware that the club will be blackmailing his asshole of a stepfather. He is also shocked by Venus, who tells him to “never judge a book by its penis”…….And if this could not get even more hysterical. Venus offers up his/her sexual services to the young boy, who is creeped out that she is a dude. SAMCRO responds that they’ve all done it and it does not mean you are gay. Juice even says he “loves the cock.” This might seriously be the greatest scene in the history of this show. Tig is also very jealous that Venus won’t sleep with him. I am NOT even kidding, the back and forth between Tig/Venus is hysterical and I might ship them.
Sheriff Roosevelt meets up with his wife, who is clearly pregnant (Special note: Whenever this show throws a scene in like this, it means SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN TO THIS CHICK). Clay and Gemma are at the station to see if any of their stolen belongings were retrieved, but NOPE.
Back at homoerotic blackmailing photoshoot, fat guy wakes up and immediately bites into Tig’s ass, ripping it apart. There is blood. Tig is pissed this keeps happening to him. I cannot stop laughing. Tara has to sew his ass back together. God bless this show.
Gemma confronts Jax about the Nero situation. Basically, she knows he hates her because he thinks she had something to do with his dad’s death (For the record, I think she 100% had something to do with it, even more so than Clay. Bitch is hiding shit, but we keep getting distracted by her one liners and her badly dyed hair). Regardless of all the pent up hate, Jax insists Nero/Gemma is not in the cards right now.
Chibs has to sew Tig’s ass for Tara because her hand is too shaky. Also, Tig has a hard on………….. #FirstWorldProblems
Jax shows the Mayor the photos of Fat guy, whose vote is important to the Mayor for his development to be built (OHHHHHHHHHHHHH. See? Fat Guy is important. Okay).
Gemma and Tara are bonding. Tara did not tell Jax what happened with Carla. These two make me want to vomit everywhere.
Roosevelt’s house is being invaded, and his wife quickly goes for her gun. Apparently, she cannot shoot for shit or call 911 quietly, and the robbers grab her. Unfortunately, they end up shooting her as they fight over her gun (I TOLD YA’LL SHE WAS IN TROUBLE). In fact, she didn’t just get shot; she got shot straight up in the baby. Like the baby’s exact location. So who are these dudes responsible for all of the break ins? I vote Nomads because I am starting to smell some white trash up in this house.
Tara and Gemma. Still getting along. Tara asks Gemma if she wants to feed Thomas his bottle. Gemma is delighted. As Gemma goes to feed Thomas, Tara decides it’s time to light up a joint. IS THIS THE TWILIGHT ZONE? This better end in a cage match with someone dying or I really will puke everywhere.
Roosevelt’s wife is rushed to the hospital. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where’s my musical montage?
Jax and the Mayor make a deal! The Fat guy is going to get blackmailed, Jax will get his escort business, and all will be filled with glee. Well not all, just the prostitutes. And THERE IS THE MONTAGE MUSIC!!! (Seriously life should come with montage music). Tara is sleeping, Gemma is sleeping, and now the show gets boring. Jax seems happy both of his ladies are with him, and he goes to open his package. Inside the box is a cooler. Inside the cooler are just a breast and a thumb. Yes, the same breast and thumb he promised the gang last week he would deliver to them. Ok. Well. Huh. WHOSE BOOB IS THAT?
Does any other show end up with a cut up boob and finger? Just this one? What will happen next week when Roosevelt wants revenge? Will Nero and Gemma stay away from one another? Has Tig’s ass healed? All this and more next week on an all new “Sons of Anarchy.”