'Gossip Girl' Recap: "Dirty Rotten Scandals"

“Gossip Girl” aired a new episode tonight on The CW, “Dirty Rotten Scandals.” In honor of the new episode, instead of making a list of the good and the bad, I’m just going to “live” blog the show as I watch. “Live” is a bit of an exaggeration since I’m watching on DVR, but I’m sure you get the gist.

The episode opens with Blair preparing for her fashion show. She missed Fashion Week, but she insists that it’s not a big deal because she has the “It” girl coming to walk in the show. But when that girl cancels, Blair thinks it will be easy to find a replacement (I am bored).

Serena is having breakfast with Steven and Sage. Sage is texting and being rude, but Serena is acting like it’s no big deal. Apparently, Steven agreed to her date Nate (A+ parenting), but he thinks he might need to take a break from Serena until she comes around (Still bored).

Nate and Chuck are talking about Bart over breakfast and suddenly Dan makes his way into the room to get coffee. Chuck quips that he’s negotiating with terrorists, but Nate is harboring a fugitive (ha!). Nate is about to publish Dan’s first article. Nate offers to let Dan warn the subject, but Dan refuses (Still bored, but a little curious as to who the subject is).

Rufus and Ivy…sorry, fast-forwarding, oh, wait, Ivy is showing Rufus the article…still no confirmation of a name though.

Blair’s French dude suggests that she ask Serena to be her “It” girl. Serena is walking with Sage and Sage is playing her like a fiddle. Blair calls and asks Serena for help and reminds her that they’re like family and there’s still love underneath. She begs, reminds Serena of all the times she saved her and Serena basically tells her that she has a new family with Steven and Sage But, whoops, Sage takes off in a cab. Blair is freaking out as Dorota encourages her to breathe, but she faints.

Serena is searching for Sage. The doctor tells Blair she’s suffering from exhaustion. Serena goes to see Nate to look for Sage. Nate points out that she’s 17 and now I’m grossed out…Dan appears, makes a rude comment and Serena tells him to suck it. Best moment so far. Ugh, Rufus and Ivy are back. Apparently, Dan wrote about them. Ew, fast-forwarding now. Gossip Girl announces that Rufus is going to sue Dan, Nate and the Spectator (Does anyone care?).

Blair is trying to run the show from her bed-rest and as she tells Dorota that she needs help and she just wants someone who can read her mind, Chuck shows up (And suddenly I am interested in the episode).

But then it switches back to Serena and Steven and Sage. Sage has told a big lie about Serena arranging for her to walk in Blair’s show (I need Serena to crush her like a bug). Once Steven is gone, Sage tells Serena that she needs her to make it happen or she’ll tell her dad that Serena ruined everything for her.

Chuck and Blair are back; Dorota called him to keep her in bed. Blair doesn’t want him to take time away from his Bart-mission, but Chuck says he has time and asks her to “task him.” Blair says, “Tasks are for minions or Dan Humphrey.” (Ha!). Chuck knows exactly what to do and takes off as Blair calls Dorota and complains that he’s feverish.

Nate is freaking out about the lawsuit and Dan says that he will go talk to Rufus on his perch from Mt. Holier than Thou. Seriously, talk about the Humphrey calling the other Humphrey a judgmental douche.

Blair is touched that Chuck took care of all the details and she tells him that everything is perfect. He gets a message from Jack and she tells him to go. He kisses her on the cheek first (happy sigh).

Serena shows up to ask Blair about Sage. I’m only half-listening because I don’t like when they make Serena and Blair enemies instead of friends. Serena is lecturing Sage and it’s more than obvious this brat has something else up her sleeve (OMG, how is this only the halfway point?!).

Okay, Serena and Steven are chatting, Blair comes over, none of this is interesting, so I’m just going to go ahead and fast-forward until something interesting happens. Oh, Nelly Yuki is back and she’s sitting next to Serena at the fashion shows and sees Blair and Serena fighting.

Dan and Rufus are arguing about Ivy. Dan just reminded me of that gross moment when Ivy tried to have sex with him and wanted him to call her “Serena.” The two argue and Dan tells him that the lawsuit is really just a way for him to talk to his son. Georgina texts him, so Dan leaves and Rufus is not happy that Ivy leaked the news.

Nate flirting with the underage brat…Blair wants to change what Sage is wearing. Oops, some advertising lady tells Nate that Dan’s serial is continuing in Vanity Fair. So Dan screwed over the only friend he has left? The fashion show is starting and things are going well. Sage walks out and takes off her dress. Serena freaks out and Blair tries to keep the show going, but after Serena’s outburst, everyone starts filing for the exits.

Ivy is feeding Rufus a story, but I don’t care so I’m fast-forwarding again, ew, cuddling is gross even at a high speed. Nate confronts Dan and he’s being an ass (surprise, surprise). Nate wants to punch him and I would love for him to do just that. Nate kicks him out, but Dan was expecting that too (he’s the worst).

Chuck tracks down one of Bart’s old bodyguards. He doesn’t want to talk because of a nondisclosure agreement he signed. Chuck offers him money, a lot of money and he looks more interested. Serena and Blair are fighting on the street about who told her to take off the dress. Sage smugly confesses that it was her call. Steven takes her home.

Steven realizes that Sage set Serena up. He wants her to apologize and Sage tells her that she’s sorry she wasn’t clever enough to figure out what she was up to. Steven is not amused and forces her to give her a real apology. Steven goes to make tea and Sage tells her that she didn’t mean it and Serena tells her that she doesn’t care and she’s just going to have to get used to it.

Blair is freaking out again and is blaming Serena. Dorota insists that she will make Eleanor proud. Chuck shows up with a bottle and a hug for Blair. They’re so cute that it was almost worth watching this entire episode for that moment.

While Steven and Serena cuddle, Sage shows up at Nate’s. Am I the only one seriously grossed out by these two? What the hell, show? Nelly Yuki shows up at the bar where Dan is drinking and wants to know how it feels to play be his own rules. She offers to let him stay with her. Another random girl shows up and offers to buy him a drink. Bitch, please.

Back to Chuck and Blair; he’s telling her about the bodyguard and how he was with Bart that weekend and drove him to meet someone named “Lady Alexander.” But that was all he could tell him. Chuck doesn’t know who she is or what she does or where to start looking. Blair tells him they will find her and she’s all his: mind, body and scheme. She tells him they need each other and wants to make an exception for one night. Chuck suggests they join forces, combine their power and achieve their goals that much sooner. Aw, cute cuddling time…I am so here for this.

In the scenes for next week, Steven learns that Serena used to date Nate and Serena learns that Steven has been with Lily?!?! Until next week….