After being delayed a week due to Hurricane Sandy, “Gossip Girl” returned tonight with “Portrait of a Lady Alexander.” Another chapter of Dan’s book was published, this one focusing on Nate and causing ripple effects for several Upper East Side couples. Chuck and Blair did what they could to solve the mystery of Lady Alexander while Bart tried to manipulate Lily and Nate to his will. Georgina remained the best as she tried to find suitable girls for Dan and Rufus and Ivy were onscreen too, unfortunately.
I’m really trying to enjoy this season or at least pay attention to it, but the show is making it very difficult for me. It’s just awful. I barely remember what it was that I enjoyed about this show in the first place. Yes, I still love the chemistry between Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick and I’m hanging in for six more episodes in the hopes that certain spoilers are accurate. I like Georgina’s wicked ways and Kristen Bell’s snarky voiceovers and Chuck and Lily’s family moments, but the show itself? I’m sorry, but the CW should have cut their loses three seasons ago.
So what happened tonight? I really don’t want to get into the details because suffering through the hour broadcast was bad enough and the word “highlight” is too misleading, so here’s a basic list of what went down in another hour of my life that I will never get back.
-Nate continues to sleep with jailbait Sage and I continue to be disgusted.
-Dan looks homeless, but all these hot girl wants to sleep with him because he’s an author (Yeah, right). Georgina wants to find a more suitable lady friend for him so she hosts auditions.
-Ivy leaks stories about Lily to Gossip Girl and Bart blames Chuck.
-Serena is worried about what Dan will say about her in her chapter of his book so she goes to see him, but Dan is a total horrendous jackass.
-Chuck and Blair discover Lady Alexander is a horse.
-Lily goes to see Chuck because he keeps ignoring her phone calls. She believes him about the stories, but then Chuck lies about the horse show because he doesn’t want it getting back to Bart (Seriously, what is this plot? Who cares?).
-Steven and Serena share their romantic (read: sexual) histories after he found out about her and Nate’s past.
-Nate and Steven awkwardly joke about Steven punching him, but then they seem to bond. I wish I cared in the slightest.
-Blair tries to distract Lily so Chuck can find out more about all the horses Bart bought. Again, not sure what the point of this is.
-Georgina is mad when Dan walks out instead of picking one of the ladies. Maybe his conscience is returning?
-Serena introduces Sage to Lily. Blake Lively and Kelly Rutherford both look really gorgeous in the scene. Other than that…oh, wait. The Spectator published a story about Steven sleeping with Lily. Sage is grossed out, Nate apologizes and Steven insists it didn’t happen, but Lily appears and says it is true. (FYI, at this point there is still 20 minutes left in the episode. I’m so bored).
-I wish I cared about Chuck and Bart, but this rivalry has gone on for years and it doesn’t make any sense. Apparently, Bart bought all these horses and he had a friend who died…? Blair tries to get the truth from the guy’s daughter by telling her that Bart is not a nice guy and he probably sent her horse to the glue factory (Ha! I love Blair).
-Serena is really upset about the whole Lily and Steven thing. She agrees to try and move past it, but she’s pretty grossed out by the images she can’t get out of her head. Of course that doesn’t stop her from going to bed with Steven.
-It turns out Bart might have been breaking federal law by buying oil from Sudan. This is riveting stuff, guys…Bart is up to something with Nate too. He wants to buy into the Spectator for some reason. He really should just grow a mustache and twirl it. Bart tells Lily that she needs to choose between him and Chuck. She is not amused and she reminds Bart that Chuck is her son too (aw, Lily).
-Blair gets a voicemail from her French assistant because Eleanor is not happy with the fact that Blair has been avoiding her calls. Again, this feels manufactured and somehow it will probably lead to problems for Chuck and Blair.
-Why do Rufus and Ivy keep showing up and kissing on my TV? Am I being punished for something?
-Serena deleted the sex video from her phone, but whoops, Georgina already made a copy for herself.
-Dan goes to Blair, tells her that he needs a place to stay and that he misses his friend. Blair tells him that he can stay in Serena’s room. I’m so not here for this.
Next week, Serena thinks Steven is going to propose and Sage asks Blair to take down Serena. OMG, let’s just fast-forward to December 17 and put the audience out of our misery.