Thank the Lord and Light we are back after last week’s grand finale. There seemed to be a theme to this week’s episode… BUTT I will get to that later.
The Lord of Light is really fucking annoying. No really; he is fucking up everyone’s shit. No me gusta. The Brotherhood without…(Yeah, I don’t have to do this every week, right?) INSIST upon a trial by combat for the Hound. Let’s get ready to rumble because it’s time for Beric vs. Hound. Swords are on fire, hair and sweat are going everywhere…this is better than MEDIEVAL TIMES! Beric gets slashed through the arm when the Hound’s sword cuts through his, and the Hound wins.
However, the Lord of Light is good so Beric is not dead. How the fuck did he survive that shit? So the Hound wins and is free to go. Arya is not happy, and an unhappy Arya means we all unhappy. To make matters worse, Gendry has decided to stay with the Brotherhood as their blacksmith. Is it bad I want these two to sleep together? Like I don’t need to see it because she’s way too young, but C’MON! They are adorable together! Beric has been killed about 6 times and he always comes back to life……Way to brag. Arya wonders if they can bring her father back to life. If we get Zombie Ned Stark that would be so cool!
Jon and the Wildlings are still wandering in the goddamn snow. These people should invest in better tents and matches. Jon gives them inside information about the Night’s Watch, but SOME people don’t believe him. They are just jealous of your face, Jon Snow! Ygritte defends him after his loyalty is questioned. Now I do not like Ygritte, but I admire her for standing by her man in order to get into his pants. She takes him to a cave and she begins to undress…..I think the waterfalls make her horny. And it would appear that Jon Snow does know a little something something because he proceeds to pleasure her….orally. I am really just trying to not think about the fact this girl probably has not had a bath in a decade. So Jon is no longer a virgin, and Ygritte is a total whore, and they proceed to keep having sex. JON SNOW BUTT ALERT! I saw ass cheek, which makes up for seeing totally naked Ginger Bitch. At least they finally got out of the snow.
Jaime, our favorite one handed knight, is delivered to Lord Bolton. Bolton reveals the events that occurred last season, and that Cersei and his family are alive and well. He also gets his stub looked at, but refuses to have his entire arm cut off. Instead, he refuses drugs and screams in complete agony as the dead skin is cut off. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Later on, Brienne is bathing and Jaime strolls right in. Now he gets naked and jumps into the same bath as she is sitting in. Hello, Jaime “I want to play with your” Lannister ass cheeks! Jaime takes the opportunity to mock Brienne and she gets angry and then we see HER ass cheeks. This episode should have been called “Kissed by the Ass Cheeks.” Jaime apologizes for being an asshole and thanks her for protecting him. He then relays the true story of how he killed King Aerys, the Mad King.
He repeatedly asked the King to surrender to intruders, but the King refused. He asked Jaime to bring him his father Tywin’s head, and to set fire to the entire city by igniting all the wildfire he had placed throughout the city. Jaime killed Aerys because he was bat shit insane and could not kill his father and innocent people. OMG THIS is a story you tell at parties!! Jaime excels at being an evil bastard, but this revelation makes the viewer realize there is more honor and sense of loyalty in this man then meets the eyes.
WARNING WARNING!! It’s a boring ass Stannis update. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Long story short, Stannis visits his wife, she knows he has been shacking up with Melisandre, and she is really happy about it. She also keeps her dead babies in huge jars in her room. This would be a perfect strange addiction episode right here. He also visits a daughter that I had no idea he had and she looks like her real father is the Hound because half her face is messed up. If this could hang posters on her wall, they would all be of the Onion Knight Davos because she just loves him. Her father tells her that Davos is a traitor and so like any other little rambunctious child would do, she goes to visit him in his dungeon. And guess what….Davos does NOT know how to read. All together now…AWWWWWWWWWW, but of course this little girl will teach him how to read. He needs some “Cat in the Hat” up in that dungeon.
Okay so there is this big grizzly guy named Lord Karstark, who is really mad at Robb because his sons were killed by Lannisters, and Cat let Jaime go, and Karstark wants his revenge. Yes that grizzly big dude whose name we did not care about. That guy. Karstark decides to kill the little, innocent Lannister boys as his vengeance. Robb orders the execution of Karstark and his men, beheading Karstark himself. Karstark curses Robb before he dies. Ooooooooo Robb you in trouble boy. To make matters worse, he realizes he is a sucky leader. At least you are a sucky leader with a decent looking wife and a huge chess set map. Upon looking at his maps, he realizes he can attack the Lannisters at Casterly Rock, their home. One little thing is he needs Walder Frey’s help. Yes, that same Walder Frey he made a deal with in Season 2, when he promised to marry one of his daughters. Yeah, this will go over so well.
Queen Dany makes a brief appearance, because after last week’s huge demonstration of head bitch in chargeness, she needed some “me time.” Dany is learning more about her Unsullied soldiers, and just how big a deal it was to free them, and have them adore her. #WesterosProblems. Jorah and Barristan discuss whether she is a great leader. Okay so clearly these two want to be her favorite and Jorah is moody because he has some bodyguard competition. At least the other dude is not all up in her grill in love with her. Take a cold shower, Jorah.
Cersei, being the pressed bitch she is, asks Baelish to dig up dirt on the Tyrells. Meanwhile, Olenna and Tyrion discuss the cost of the impending royal wedding. Okay these two should be forced into scenes together at all times. Comedy. Gold. They strike a deal and Tyrion ends up cutting the budget for the wedding. Margaery tells Sansa that they will announce the Loras and Sansa union after she is wed to Joffrey.
However, Loras gets seduced by some random page who clearly has watched too much Westeros Glee. We see the damn squire’s butt too, and Loras wonders how the hell he knew he was gay. I think it was the fact you let him get naked in your bed and went to town on his ass. Unfortunately, the squire was paid by Baelish, and Baelish discovers that Sansa and Loras are to be wed. Baelish goes back to his creepy uncle look and tells Sansa if she wants to stay in King’s Landing instead of leaving with him, then she can stay.
So to recap: Loras tells the gay guy, the gay guy tells Baelish, Baelish tells Cersei, Cersei tells Tywin, and then Tywin tells Tyrion and here we are. Tywin is against the marriage because it would mean a union between the Tyrells and the North since Sansa is the legal heir to the North should Robb die. Really she is not the heir, but these morons do not know that the Starks are crafty sons of bitches. Instead, Tyrion will wed Sansa. Say what now? Yes, I am annoyed by Sansa but…..awwwwww she thought she had the good looking gay guy and everything! Tyrion feels horrible that they are doing this to the poor girl, but hey I think he is a great catch! Cersei begins gloating and Tywin tells her that she has to do her duty, marry Loras, and end the disgusting rumors about her and Jaime. SNAPPPPPP. Bitch got served. Tyrion and Cersei both look miserable, and END SCENE.
Will Sansa faint when she realizes she has to marry Tyrion? Okay, that would be funny. Are Jon and Ygritte still having dirty cave sex? Will Jaime change his name to Stubby Lanister? Can we keep Bran Muffin out of episodes forever? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones.