‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: The Rains of Castamere

Well it’s a nice day for a Red Wedding. Seriously, I deserve a medal for keeping this a secret for so long, and not spoiling it, but overall, I am glad I did, because this was one hell of an episode.

Before we get to the BIG event in this episode, let’s recap all supporting stories. In Yunkai, Jorah, Daario, and Grey Worm plan the attack of the city for Dany. Can we just discuss how this fancy bitch has three guys fighting for her now, not counting scruffy old knight? I bow down to her.

The three men enter the city and Daario explains how easy it is, but really the hot guy is wrong and they battle with a ton of soldiers. Eventually, they return and announce to Dany that the Yunkai have surrendered and the city is now hers. The Queen and her Dragons are about to move on up to the East Side of King’s Landing and kill some bitches with all their soldiers.

Sam is….still Sam.

Jon and the Wildlings are about to attach a barn, when Jon warns them not to kill the man in charge of the horses. All the dudes are annoyed with Jon because they are aware he is still loyal to the Night’s Watch and are tired of his bad acting. As they run towards the barn, Jon purposely startles the horses so the man can get away.

Meanwhile, down the road apparently, Bran and his crew of merry other boring people are hiding out in an abandoned tower. Bran discusses the plan of going to the Wall, and Osha feels like she has done all the Supernannying she can do with this bitch. Nobody listens to her! Hodor starts HODORING uncontrollably.

Outside the tower, the man who escaped the Wildlings arrives and they catch them there. Bran stops Hodor by entering his body and doing a Mr. Miyagi on his mind, putting him to sleep. Jojen is all like “dang bitch nobody can do that.” He did not really say it that way, but trust me; I made it more interesting.

Jon arrives outside the tower and the Wildlings force him to kill the old man. Jon takes forever to move, so Ygritte uses her bow and arrow to kill the man. Seriously, Jon Snow knows nothing, and he should have just killed the old man, but I digress. The Wildlings start attacking Jon, and Ygritte tries to help him.

Bran is convinced by Jojen to control their wolves outside. Bran goes all warg and saves Jon from the Wildlings. A crow attacks Jon, and ALMOST RUINS HIS FACE! That crow should be beheaded and placed on a spike. Jon gets away, and Ygritte watches as her favorite hook up buddy rides off without her. Peace out bitch, he hit it and quit it.

Bran is annoyingly STILL in this episode. Bran is adamant about going over that damn wall and finding the three eyed crow he can bond with, and I really do not care! Rickon is all like hell yeah…and who gave the little Stark extra the permission to speak?! Seriously, Rickon has dialogue? What show is this?! Bran wants Osha to keep Rickon safe since he is the only living heir after Bran. Osha is like, yeah let’s go because this boring shit is putting me to sleep and you are all going to die at the damn freezing Wall.

Arya is still stuck with the stepfather she never wanted, the Hound. He commandeers an innocent man’s cart on the side of the road, and she stops him from killing the man. He does not understand why she’s so nice, and says that it will get her killed one day. He agrees not to kill the man, and she knocks the man unconscious again. I think the Hound totally would adopt her, because he is impressed by her chutzpah.

The two share some real talk on their journey. She knows he is afraid of fire, and he points out how close she is to her family. She promises that she will kill him one day, and do you not just love this bonding going on? Sure they hate each other, but there is a “You got a Friend In Me” montage just waiting to happen. Once they get to the Twins, they are unfortunately….or fortunately, stopped by the Frey’s men, and are not allowed in the castle…..

…Because this is the Red. Wedding. People. Oh. My. God.

The episode begins with Robb asking Cate for advice…yes, again. He realizes that he cannot cut the cord with his mother, and she tells him that he should show the Lannisters what it feels like to lose something they love. Frey welcomes them to his castle….but really, the creepy dude from Harry Potter is never really welcoming. Robb apologizes to Lord Frey, and Frey says the apologies are really owed to his ugly daughters, whose names he cannot remember. Okay that was at least funny.

Edmure looks legit grossed out that he has to marry one of these inbred looking trolls. Frey looks at Talisa and makes some nasty comments about tapping that ass. Really, why was she allowed in that castle? Why would you bring the woman who you picked over all these other women? Stupid Robb, STUPID. Frey thinks he would have broken many oaths to be with Talisa, so he gets it.

The Wedding begins, and Edmure’s wife is actually…cute. Shocker! At the reception, Edmure is happy, and Robb kicks off the Bedding Ceremony. Okay anyone else think the Bedding Ceremony is kind of ….well gross?! I mean it looks like a gang rape, and the beginning of a medieval orgy without the orgy. Talisa and Robb are being OVERLY affectionate and discussing what to call the baby. She wants to call the baby, Eddard, after Ned…someone who is DEAD. Talk about foreshadowing…

Cate watches her son and his wife being affectionate. Sorry, but did they forget that they royally pissed this dude off by getting married? WHY IS SHE THERE?! This still annoys me. Cate turns and sees Frey’s men lock the doors, and wedding DJs start playing “The Rains of Castamere.” Whenever you hear this song…shit be going down people!! It is a LANNISTER song. Cate seats herself near Roose Bolton and sees that he is wearing chainmail. Frey has the song stopped, and tells Robb he has a wedding gift for him…..as his soldier stabs Talisa repeatedly in the tummy to kill her baby. Robb gets shot with crossbows, Catelynn gets shot with one in her back, and Robb’s men are all killed in their seats.

Arya runs off after the Hound is stopped, and sees some Stark bannermen. She then sees them all killed by Frey’s men. When she tries to free Robb’s wolf, more men come along and she hides. She watches helplessly as Robb’s wolf is killed with crossbows…signaling what’s about to happen inside. The Hound finds her, knocks her out, and tells her it’s over. He walks off with her, and while cruel, he may have saved her life.

Catelynn takes Frey’s wife as a hostage, and pleads with him to let Robb go, or she will cut his wife’s throat. Frey could care less, and says he will find another. Robb calls out for his mother one last time, and the two exchange a look, as Roose Bolton walks up and stabs Robb through the heart for the Lannisters. Catelynn screams (quite possibly the worst wailing I have ever heard) and slits Frey’s wife throat. She literally looks pale as a ghost, and dead inside before one of Frey’s men slit her throat as well.

So. Yeah. That just happened!! Give Michelle Fairley all the awards for those last three minutes!! Seriously, I am not a huge Mama Stark fan, but that performance was phenomenal. How do you top this? What the hell is going on with the peenless Theon? Can Bran turn into a Nelly Furtado bird and fly away? What will Dany do next? How does Jon’s face look? Find out next week on the season finale of Game of Thrones.