In the world of Game of Thrones lying and backstabbing are every day occurrences. Those who keep their word seem to be few and far between, but this week we see many characters sticking to their word.
Interestingly enough while the characters are keeping their oaths, the show’s writers are veering off course of the books themselves. The thing I have always loved about Game of Thrones, is that it tries to stay true to the novels as much as possible. As much as I love The Walking Dead, it is always a constant source of agitation for me that the show’s writers veer dramatically away from the popular comic book series. Does it work for the most part? Yes, sometimes. However, other times it’s odd to see a character you enjoy from the comic book be dramatically different on the television show. Game of Thrones has proven the complete opposite, but in this current season it seems the writer’s are beginning to test the waters for story changes and alterations. Will this hurt or help the show in the long run? We shall see if this will pay off in the end, but let’s take a look at this week’s hits and misses:
CUTE NEW COUPLE ALERT: Missandei and Grey Worm. Will this happen? Hey, probably not since everyone is obsessed with HBIC Queen Dany, but it’s still adorable Miss Little Thing is trying to teach G-Unit the English language.
NOT SO CUTE COUPLE: Littlefinger and Sansa. I see what you are doing sir. She might not get it, but I see you acting all like Darth Vadar up around the young girl’s chachas and you need to back off. Also, you know your plan for Westeros World Domination might have issues when the dumbest girl on the planet Sansa can figure out that you had a part in killing Joffrey. This bitch cannot even spell her name, so slow your role with the creepy uncle vibe. He is so obsessed with this chick that he tells her pretty much everything: “YESSSSS, YESSSS, TYRION DID NOTHINGGG. I HID THE POISON IN YOUR NECKLACE.” Why don’t you just write it all down on some paper and incriminate yourself even more Uncle Touchy?
STILL KNOWS NOTHING: Poor Jon Snow. Pissing everyone off left and right since sleeping with the basic ass ginger in the woods. Training soldiers makes him look bad, dealing with Sam is like a huge pain in the ass, and he’s being spied on because Roose Bolton sent Locke to the Wall and Jon is slow and not even suspicious of Locke. When you get to Craster’s Trailer Park of Westeros can you at least make sure the daughters get a bath and some counseling because I was unprepared for the “fuck em til their dead” line. Why is this the rapiest show on television?!
BEST WAY TO PISS OFF YOUR TWIN SISTER WHO YOU MIGHT BE SLEEPING WITH: Tell her you don’t think your brother killed your inbred born son. So, getting raped doesn’t really piss her off, but the idea that their little brother might not have killed their son is crossing the line? Huh. Well. Go figure. At least Cersei wants Sansa dead because I really have no idea how someone who was once at least clever could be so stupid. She’s just a moronic evil person and I cannot even enjoy her bitchiness because it comes off as whining and there’s no whining in Westeros!!
BEST SPILLAGE OF TEA: Lady Olenna telling Margaery she was the one who killed Joffrey because there was no way she was going to let her spend her life with that rotten little bastard. It was nonchalant and complete and utter perfection. I’d also like to note that it took like FOREVER for this to be revealed in the books, but luckily I love this old broad enough to not care at how quickly they revealed everything.
OH NO SHE DIDN’T: So how bad does Margaery want to be Queen? Well so bad that she going all Mary Kay Letourneau with the soon to be King, Tommen. At least she didn’t touch him anywhere, I got nervous for a hot second. I think she will sneak him Legos and Nestle Quick at some point. This bitch is smart and is outsmarting Cersei at every turn. Bravo, but be careful because Cersei is one scurry bitch when you get involved with family members she is obsessed with. Tommen is so cute and sweet that I am pretty sure he will do whatever Margaery says….I mean she did promise him a new XBOX.
BEST BITCH MOVE: Last week we saw Dany offer freedom to the slaves via canons full of chains of those she has freed before. The slaves discuss the thought of freedom, and Grey Worm comes forward trying to recruit them explaining that if they want freedom they must take it. Duh, they take it and start revolting. As a present to her people Dany takes the former masters and has them nailed to posts for their past wrongdoings. I know I joke about Dany being flawless and perfect in every way, but she seriously made a bold statement this week. She is still learning to be Queen and she made this decision on her own. Will this demonstration of power hurt her in the end? We shall see….
CHARACTER I WILL NEVER LOVE: Bran. Fucking Bran. Cut your hair, you look like a girl. Bran gets himself, Hodor, Jojen, and Meera caught by all the old Night’s Watch dudes that started the mutiny last season. So these guys are not really Night’s Watch anymore since Jon’s on his way to kill them, they are more like Night’s Mall Security because they are totally going to get demoted. Anywho! Bran is a moron telling them who he is., making him the dumbest Stark still alive after Sansa. Also, getting caught and watching my poor Hodor get beat up was NOT fun. The other two can die for all I care, but do not take away Hodor! Now creepy Night Mall Security guard knows Bran is Jon Snow’s brother. THE FUN JUST CONTINUES FOR THE STARKS!
CHARACTER I WANT TO LOVE: Oh Jaime. In Jaime’s defense, I can now reveal that in the books he never raped Cersei. Cersei at first asks Jaime to stop, but then changes her mind. That is not what we saw on last week’s show, as the writers changed the scene to a rape scene. This is actually frustrating because it’s hard to see Jaime as this man on a mission towards redemption. I don’t fully understand the writer’s decision as this week we see Jaime again act like the decent human being we know he can be. He visits his brother despite his sister’s wishes and offers his help. He also shows that he will keep his word to Catelyn Stark as he sends Brienne off to find Sansa and Arya if she is still alive. He gives her his sword made of Valyrian steel and she names it Oathkeeper. As a side note can we discuss how Brienne has the worst taste in men. First she falls for the gay guy, and now she’s in love with a dude who loves his sister. Get her on the Westeros Plenty O’ Fish site because this is just not working out for her. They say their goodbyes and again we see some compassion from Jaime, as he genuinely seems to care for the huge bitch. Is it love? Eh maybe not, and maybe Brienne will meet up with the Hound and they will have huge children who will stomp the White Walkers to death…
WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT: White Walkers are back and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON! So they are NOT killing the baby’s that Craster and his daughters were offering to them. They all live in Elsa’s palace from Frozen, and instead of singing “Let it Go,” they are turning the baby’s into White Walkers. I mean the baby’s eyes turned blue and apparently there are White Crawlers because that kid did not grow. So this would imply that these cold ass zombies aren’t all centuries old monsters and some of them are fresh baby meat, and OMG I want to see a teenage White Walker going through puberty!
I have no clue WTF just happened, and I am shocked, confused, and wondering if they are spilling Game of Thrones novel spoilers for future books because THIS DID NOT HAPPEN?! (Note: If I am wrong let me know, but I never remembered reading any of this!) Will Brienne and Pod find Sansa? Where is Littlefinger Uncle Touchy taking her? Will Jon and Bran finally meet up at Craster’s Trailer Park? Can he just leave Bran there and pretend he never saw him? Are Tommen and Margaery going to play Connect Four and make Cersei jealous from afar? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones!