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‘Game of Thrones’ Review: ‘First of His Name’

Photo Credit: HBO

It might be an early sign of the Apocalypse, so I am warning every one right away: I enjoyed a scene and Bran was in it. I know…I am worried too. HODOR!!!!!

We are still dealing with the aftermath of Joffrey’s death, as the dead king is discussed again this week. Can we ever get rid of all things Joffrey already? The attention sucking whore of a dead king is getting more mentions dead than he did when he was still breathing and torturing prostitutes. At least Tommen is now King, and he is sweet and cute, and PONIES FOR EVERY ONE IN THE KINGDOM!! Here is what else we saw this week on the show:

TROUBLE IN PARADISE: Guys, the Hound and Arya are fighting and I don’t like it. She was doing her daily dead people list prayer and the Hound got angry. While he thinks it’s great she wants revenge he is slightly annoyed he is on her list. As she practices her water dancing routine, he mocks he efforts. Arya gets angry and stabs him with her sword for his unkind words. The Hound slaps her and reminds her he has armor on. The Hound is like the worst tutor ever. He really wants to teach Arya the ways of the world, but they are just too different. The real question is why is he trying to show her the realitiy of the world? Does he care for Arya? It would sure seem so. As a side note: can they pick up a newspaper so that Arya updates her list to stop including the already dead people? It’s irritating how long it takes gossip to reach these two.

HEY GIRL HEY: Hey, Dany hey girl, hey. Like you know you are the HBIC as per usual, but your reign is like a huge mess and it needs to be cleaned up. The places Dany has gone through have been taken over by revolt and are currently in upheaval. To make matters worse, she’s not having a great hair day and her fashion sense is a smidge off. Maybe hearing the news Joffrey is dead will cause the HBIC to get back on track, and get her shit together. While Dany is a bad ass bitch, she is still making mistakes, and has yet to show she can rule and command respect after she has left a colony. Don’t get high off your dragon supply.

WEIRDEST AUNT AWARD: This clearly goes to Lysa because the lady who loves breast feeding  her grown ass child(YES I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT) is back! Little Finger brings Sansa to the Vale, and hey at least she is with her family….but it’s Lysa. Lysa is ecstatic to see her man Petyr and he looks disgusted he has to sleep with her meth head looking ass. If this wasn’t Game of Thrones, I would assume Lysa got her supply off Jessie and Walt from Breaking Bad because that face and those teeth….girl bye. So Lysa insists that her and Petyr marry, basically because she is a horny meth head. They presumably marry offscreen because she is screaming like a caged animal in heat while they have sex. Poor Sansa hears everything and looks like she needs a shower. As if Sansa hasn’t been through enough already, Lysa later questions why Petyr cares for Sansa so much. She remembers how obsessed he was over Catelyn and begins to wonder if Sansa and Petyr have had sex. Sansa insists she is not pregnant and nothing has ever happened since she is a virgin. Lysa is relieved and believes her…then tells her the great news that she gets to marry her cousin!!

WORST NEWS TO GET EVER AFTER FLEEING FROM A MURDER CHARGE AFTER YOUR SUCKY LIKE CONTINUES TO SUCK FOREVER AND EVER: You get to marry your cousin who looks like he was born in a crack den!!!! Sansa, you win. Your life is a miserable, miserable, piece of shit existence and if you want to off yourself, I ain’t mad at you.

BEST NEW BROMANCE: Brienne and Pod. Clearly Brienne is not as tough as she appears and she loves a good challenge. Pod is incapable of actually being a helpful squire on this trip, but Brienne is clearly seeing how Pod is a good guy. He’s loyal, slightly cute, and at least good company even if he cannot cook or ride a horse. Expect Pod to try to be the hero for Brienne, as he was for Tyrion.

BEST CONVERSATION: Margaery and Cersei. This is how this went down:

C: My son Joffrey really was a horrendous son of a bi..he was terrible. Tommen will be a nice king. Hey you want to be Queen?

M: No, I can never be Queen, I mean you are Queen.

C: Yeah, but someone is going to have to help the new King be the new King, so really you should be Queen.

M: Yeah, but I could never be Queen, I mean, maybe I should?! I mean…Ya think I should be Queen?..Okay talk to my dad since it would really mean a great deal to me to be Queen.

C: ::Bitch Face:: …Okay I will talk to my dad, who will talk to your dad and then we can see if you can be Queen.

M: YAY!!!! Should I call you mom, or should I call you sis?

C: ::Bitch Face x 55.

These two clearly hate each other, and I am loving every minute of it.

NATIONAL WESTEROS DEBT CLOCK: $17, 433, 531. Tywin tells Cersei that they all poor, in debt, and the crown just keeps borrowing from Braavos. Wow, we really cannot relate to this fantasy world at all. Naturally after discussing debt we must discuss the next best money saving venture: LET’S THROW SOME WEDDINGS!!!!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY: Cersei is acting like mother of the decade as she talks to the Horny Prince from Dorne, Prince O-Face. He has 8 daughters, which is not shocking considering the guy cannot stop having sex. Cersei asks, what good is power if you cannot protect the ones you love? A very good question, coming from a typically selfish character. The one thing Cersei ever seems to care about more than herself is her children.  She’s lost a son and daughter, and now fears that Tommen will be lost to her too. She asks Prince O-Face to deliver her daugher the message that she misses her, and to also find Tyrion guilty of her son’s murder. If this was all an act to tug on Prince O-Face’s heart-strings and get him to find Tyrion guilty…then damn this bitch is cold and a great actress.

THEY BURNT DOWN THE TRAILER PARK: Craster’s Keep is gone! Where will all the slutty daughters go? Jon saves the day and the Night’s Watch kill the mutineers. In the melee, Locke neglects to mention the presence of Bran at the camp, and intends to kidnap the boy.  Bran totally wargs Hodor which is the coolest thing Bran has ever done! Bran as Hodor kills Locke by snapping his neck…Awww SNAP! Jojen then convinces Bran to say nothing to Jon, and to continue their journey North. Bran agrees that they all must go without being noticed so they can get to the Weirwood Tree in Bran’s visions. What the hell will happen at this tree? And excuse me if I am wrong but doesn’t Bran see Jon in his visions of the tree? Why not COMBINE efforts and get to this stupid tree already?!  By the way, according to Wikipedia the cave of the three eyed crow that they are all trying to find is in Denver, so you bitches are headed in the wrong direction.

Next week Tyrion heads to trial for the murder of Joffrey. Will the trial be fair, or has Cersei convinced enough people of her brother’s guilt?  Where the hell is Shae by the way?? Will Stannis Baratheon continue to be basic? And where the hell is Gendry by the way?? Will Lysa realize she needs some sunlight, because pale doesn’t work for you girl?  Where the hell is winter by the way??? It’s been coming forever…..And I will leave you with that joke. Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones.

Amanda Drago
Amanda Drago is a writer at TVSource Magazine. Also known as “Hot Mess Mandy”, she's fan of sarcasm and snark with a Bachelor’s Degree in handling the “cray” and a Masters in real talk. Huge fan of soaps, reality TV, and really any well written show that can handle her short attention span. Usually the trashier the show, the better. Follow her on Twitter at @HotMessMandy

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