‘Sons of Anarchy’ Review: ‘Black Widower’

Put a fork in it, it’s done! Too soon? Welcome to the final season of Sons of Anarchy. Tonight’s episode picks up 10 days after Jax finds Tara and Roosevelt dead on his kitchen floor.  As with most premieres this episode dealt with where each character stands after the chaos of last year’s season finale.

Let’s dive right in and take a look at the highs and lows of tonight’s premiere:

Viewer Discretion is Advised: I feel like I heard this 48 times tonight. Boy that sexy voiceover guy who is probably 58 and named Dwight was not kidding. Sons of Anarchy has always been a violent show which is not shocking giving the world of SAMCRO. However, tonight episode was a warning to the viewer that we are on a fast moving train to destruction. It’s going to get worse, it’s going to get more bloody, it’s going to get more twisted. Of course it is, it’s the end! Jax is not looking to change the club anymore. When Tara died, that idea died with her. Jax is solely out for revenge and protecting the club at all costs. Tonight we saw him carve a swastika on another prisoner, rip out his teeth, shoot some kinky sex pastors, and then violently torture his wife’s supposed killer. Predictable spoiler alert: expect tons of people to die this season. Yes I said TONS. Last time I checked my copy of Hamlet, there was only one key character remaining at the end, and I think Kurt Sutter will stick to his source material.

Gemmhuh?: Gemma, you in danger girl. One would think that murdering one’s daughter in law in a fit of rage would humble a person. Nope not our Gemma! Juice is falling apart psychologically, where Gemma is rainbows and unicorns. She actually rationalizes the murders as doing the right thing because it’s about protecting Jax and the club.  She even gets her Nero back. Things are wonderful in the world of Gemma. In fact things are going so good, why not blame Tara’s murder on a completely innocent random Chinese man in order to start a gang war?! Well she went ahead and did just that!! I really miss the days I liked Gemma, but the lady before us is a real sociopath. It’s not funny, it’s not cute, and this bitch better get her comeuppance in the end because when Jax finds out what she did…. Wait maybe the Lea Michele upcoming guest appearance is her punishment? I mean no one deserves to be tortured by Lea Michele, but maybe Gemma is forced to listen to this girl over-singing showtunes for all eternity.

I STILL HATE YOU AWARD: Unser. How the hell is this dude still alive? If finding Juice hiding out at Wendy’s apartment doesn’t get him killed, I don’t know what will. Unser outliving everyone else would be a comical ending….but not a good one so don’t think about it Kurt!

Totally Going to Die: This is not a spoiler, but there is no chance in hell Juice is living this season. I mean there are going to be lots of deaths, but Juice’s toe tag is being polished as we speak. Will I miss his random acts of nudity? Yes. Will I miss his whiny ass complain about life and then he goes and does something really stupid? No. He is seriously the kid on the after school specials that always just fucks up. The only real question I have is whether he will be naked when he dies. That’s the real mystery.

Dear Jax, It’s me….Mandy: So, like, you are single now right? I am totally okay with the white sneakers. I know it bugs lots of people, but I am not judging you. Amanda Teller has a lovely ring to it. In fact I love you so much that I am going to let you know that if you don’t get over this Oedipal complex you have with Gemma, you are going to die before she does. Who has control of the kids? Gemma. Jax doesn’t even go to see them after he gets out of jail. Who does Jax thank when he gets out of jail? Gemma. Who is hiding Juice even though he has betrayed the club? Gemma. Who blamed the entire murder on the Chinese gang? Gemma. Gemma: A BILLION. Jax: ZERO. I am literally scratching my head with that barbecue fork because I do not understand how he cannot see that his mother is fucking Lucifer in tight pleather and some Walmart boots.  Ditch the bitch then call me!

CUE THE MUSICAL MONTAGE: Sorry had to do it, and we got two tonight! YES! But honestly, the Bohemian Rhapsody cover at the end of tonight’s episode was perfection. Excellent choice fellas.

CameHo: It appears that this season we will be forced to deal with a CameHO situation. It’s when a celebrity will do anything to be on a tv show, even for a cameo.  Tonight we got Marilyn Manson as Tully. Honestly his name should have been Tubby. I didn’t pay too much attention to Marilyn in all honesty. I was too busy trying to figure out how he isn’t really Paul from the Wonder Years. I know it’s not really him, but….Paul.

I NEED MORE: SAMCRO. I missed the boys. They took a backseat tonight to Jax’s drama, but the scenes we got with Chibs, Happy, Bobby, and Tig were classic SAMCRO. Only these men could torture a guy in a wheelchair and make it funny. They are Jax’s family and when they aren’t making us laugh, they are making us cry with their fierce loyalty. Also, all the hugging they do is adorable. Gotta love a good hug!

I NEED LESS:…I know you all think I am going to say Unser but that’s just plain obvious coming from me. I need less Nero and Gemma. He dumped her, and then he gets back together with her? Her vagina cannot be that fabulous! I don’t really want Nero to die, but if he sticks with Gemma he will, so I want them far apart and Nero AWAY from all this drama.

So what did you think of tonight’s premiere? Too long? Too many commercials? Will Juice kill Unser? Will the Chinese retaliate for another murder to one of their own? Did you think I was going to not ask tons of questions at the end like I normally do? Gotcha! Tune in next week for an all new Sons of Anarchy.