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‘Game of Thrones’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: ‘The Wars to Come’

game of thrones season 5
Pictured: Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister and Ian Beattie as Meryn Trant. Photo Credit: Macall B. Polay/HBO

It’s a new season of Game of Thrones!!! Winter is coming, but really it is spring here and there was sunshine today so they can cut the “it’s cold out” nonsense. We get it! You cannot ruin my ‘Sunday Funday’ HBO!

Tonight was the season five premiere “The Wars to Come”. Here’s a quick recap of all the highlights of tonight’s episode:

Pressed Bitch Who Thinks She’s in Charge:  It’s always lovely to see that Cersei didn’t just become a flaming bitch, she just always was a bitch. When she was little she went to a witch that warns her she will be Queen, a new Queen will replace her and her kids are all going to die.  I think it was sweet of the witch to leave out the “hey you are going to screw your brother” part.  So she’s all pressed because her father is dead, everyone wants the thrown, her little troll of a brother has escaped, and her brother love helped him. And you all thought you had problems….

Head Bitch in Charge, but a Terrible Mommy: Daenerys Targaryen rules like the boss that she is, but her dragons are prepared to call in Child Protective Services.  As always people are rebelling and Unsullied are being killed. This isn’t something brand new, it’s now just another group of people whose names we are going to forget by next season. Everybody hates her at some point. She fears no one, has Daario’s fine ass to go home to at night, and lucky for her no one knows that her dragons are not under her control. She pays them a visit and clearly they are not found of their mommy dearest locking them up in a cave with chains.  Not even Dr. Phil can fix this family right now…

Mega Whore of the Episode: Everybody’s favorite award is back and I am going with a special winner this week. It’s Sir Loras Tyrell!!!! When you are engaged to a huge mega bitch and you are gay, hey being a gay slut is okay! He even remained slutty when his sister interrupted his booty call from charming little Oliver. Most people would be hiding their affairs, but not cool slutty Loras who has nothing to hide since everyone knows he likes the penis.

Born Again: Lancel a.k.a. that other relative Cersei slept with, has found Westeros seven Jesus like figures. I think it’s seven, but whatever he has a thing for living like a monk and worshipping a bunch of Gods.  No matter what the time period, there is always a religious fanatic ruining it for the whole bunch. Although wearing a bathrobe to a funeral was a lovely touch.

Crazy Eyes: Tywin’s funeral eyes need their own special shout out. It made him look like he was electrocuted on the toilet instead of shot with an arrow.

What’s in the Box, What’s in the F**King Box?: Spoiler alert, it’s Tyrion and his poop. Okay so he disposed of his poop, I’d like to thank the writers for quickly clarifying how/when/where/what/and who disposed of his poop.  We also learn that Tyrion is the inventor of the puke and rally. I’m amazed he didn’t have to dispose of his puke too, being treated like a cat in its carrying case on a boat that makes me want to vomit just by looking at it. Grossness and self-pity aside, Varys helped Tyrion escape for a reason. Even though out little imp is down in the dumps, Varys wants him to help put a real leader on the throne-à A Miss Dany T. I cannot see this meeting going well at first. Dany pretty much hates anyone that had to do with her family losing the throne, so our little friend will most likely be met with some hostility. But if he charms her, they might be a force to be reckoned with.

Still Gross: Sansa and Baelish. I would have preferred a Arya story instead thanks. I don’t need to see these two drop off Robin at sword camp. Also, they were on the same road as Brienne and I cannot STAND when show’s pull the “oh they just missed each other” tactic. It makes scream in frustration. Plus, even if Petyr takes Sansa to a safe place away from Cersei, who is going to protect her from his creepy penis?

6-8 Inches of Snow: Yes, of course I speak of everyone’s favorite bastard, Jon “I’d do him in a pile of” Snow. Boy is he in the thick of it (I can make these penis innuendos all day long). Stannis wants to use the Wildlings as part of his personal army, but only if Mance bows down to him. If he does not pledge his loyalty Stannis will have Mance burned at the stake. Jon tries his best but Mance refuses to compromise his position. He will bow to no one. So you have all been cordially invited to the Mance Barbecue! Mance looks terrified as the fire gets closer to his body, but luckily Jon brought the kebab sticks! He shoots Mance with an arrow to the heart. He may not have agreed with Mance, but he respected the man. And this is why we love the Snow!

Normally I pose questions and say, “Hey, will this happen,” insert funny thing here and here…but. NEXT WEEK WE GET ARYA! Nothing else is important. Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones.

Amanda Drago
Amanda Drago is a writer at TVSource Magazine. Also known as “Hot Mess Mandy”, she's fan of sarcasm and snark with a Bachelor’s Degree in handling the “cray” and a Masters in real talk. Huge fan of soaps, reality TV, and really any well written show that can handle her short attention span. Usually the trashier the show, the better. Follow her on Twitter at @HotMessMandy

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