Holy Freaking Walking Freezing Dead White Walker Hell! There better be some dragon glass in one of the kingdoms so they can ship about 50 tons of it to the Wall. This episode was action packed so let’s take a look at the highlights of tonight’s show.
Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen: Cersei looks worse than Margaery in jail. It’s so bad her roots are growing in. She is taunted with water on a daily basis until she confesses. She will be put on trial for treason, incest, the murder of King Robert, being a basic bitch, etc. This is what you get for being a nosy ass bitch who double-crossed too many people. She asks for Tommen to visit, but he’s too busy crying in his room for his mommy and his wife. Seriously this kid is annoyingly weak. Joffrey would have had everyone decapitated for fun. The only way out is for Cersei to confess to her crimes, but she’s like hell no. Something tells me she’s going to break soon because she was licking that water off the floor like it was champagne.
Many Faced Oh My GAWD: Arya is learning the art of lying and becoming a new person. This particular new person sells seafood. I would have complained and asked to be a new princess who is married to a hot guy. That’s the face I could use. I don’t really care for this training particularly. I mean most girls master the art of lying in high school, this is not really that hard. I also pretend to be different people whenever I go to a restaurant and leave my name. Josefina, table for five? Yep, that’s me. Now she has to kill some mean greedy old guy for her training. This is stuppppiiiiddddd, let her kill the people on her list! Can we like fast forward three years into her story?
The Michael Boltons: Michael Bolton’s descendants are a great deal like Michael’s music: they love to torture and they are terrible. Roose and Ramsay are preparing for war with Stannis. Roose wants to stay in Winterfell and act on the defensive. Ramsay disagrees with this plan and asks for 20 men to go and attack Stannis. I think Ramsay’s plan will be just kidnap and torture all the women so Stannis retreats. Either way, hopefully Stannis beats the ever loving shit out of Ramsay and Roose. Why? Because Stannis is the Mannis.
Sansa Would Cut it Off: Sansa hates Reek and wants to kill him. Could she apply that anger to the people who are actually holding her prisoner, because that would be great. Sansa asks Reek why he betrayed her, and he tells her there is no escape from Ramsay. She’s thrilled that Theon/Reek or Reek/Theon was tortured. She doesn’t know specifically he is missing some twigs and berries, but she’d most definitely cut it off. She also learns that Theon did not kill Bran or Rickon and it was a lie. She wants to know more but Theon is going to go cry again. Can someone just light that fucking candle so Brienne can beat the shit out of everyone?
Still Basic: Jorah. Still basic, still in the friend zone. Never getting laid. Stop being annoying and pathetic. He is like a five stage clinger, and hello she’s STILL not that into you. But no, he has to become a gladiator and fight in the pits. What an attention whore.
The Imp and the Head Bitch In Charge: Finally a tag team I can root for. Dany wonders why she shouldn’t kill Tyrion, but he is wondering why he should support her as Queen. She asks him what he should do about Jorah, and he says that Jorah obviously loves her but that doesn’t mean he should be near her. Dany aggress and has Jorah removed from the city. Friendzoned again! But who cares about Jorah? Nobody! Let’s move on to the HBIC and Pimp’s meeting. She’s not sure why she shouldn’t kill him, but he let’s her know he’s killed more Lannister’s than she has. They also talk about Varys and Jaime, who killed her dad, but I would change the subject Tyrion! Luckily for all of us, she will not kill Tyrion. Tyrion will advise her because Dany wants the Iron Throne. He thinks she should not even bother, but Dany wants to go home. Either way Dany just got a whole lot stronger. Tyrion + Dragons = Power. Maybe he can talk her out of sleeping with that Daario guy, he’s boring and she should be sleeping with multiple people.
Still Shocking: SAM IS NO LONGER A VIRGIN!! OMG!! HE IS A MAN NOW!! He’s also a total girl and tried to ask Gilly about “the sex” but Olly thankfully interrupted with his weekly “I hate the Wildlings” diatribe.
King Crow Johnny Snow vs. White Walkers: My first comment about this battle: DAYUMMMMMM. But first, to recap: Jon arrives at Hardhome with Tormund to speak to the elder Wildlings. Jon makes his case that they should join forces to fight the White Walkers when they attack, and he will let them past the Wall. Tormund vouches for Jon, and while some agree to join the crows, the Thenns are still assholes. They eat people, so clearly they have no taste. While Jon and his brothers are helping the women and children board ships, the White Walkers attack all the Wildlings.
Jon goes looking for the dragon glass that Sam gave him. He comes face to face with a huge White Walker soldier and gets his ass kicked. Luckily he uses his sword (made of Valyrian steel, a.ka. dragon steel), and is able to defeat the large zombie. So not only dragon glass, but Valyrian steel can defeat White Walkers, which means DANY, HELLLOOO. Anything dragon related is bad news for the Icy people. Who else has these swords? Jaime got one from Tywin when Eddard Stark’s sword was melted down into two swords. Jaime gave his sword to Brienne and Tommen has Joffrey’s sword. Something tells me Tommen isn’t going to ever save the day, but at least Brienne has the other Valyrian sword.
Even though Jon is fighting with the sword, the White Walkers are too much for the Wildlings to handle. Many are killed and Jon and company are forced to retreat. And then there is a special appearance. Last year we saw the Night’s King for the first time (in case you are wondering it’s the White Walker with the pointy head like he is wearing a crown). Now he is back appearing before Jon and striking his Kanye West Jesus pose of “what you going to do Jon Snow?” The Night’s King resurrects all the dead Wildlings, and boooooommmmmm his army is even bigger. Sooooo there better be a mine somewhere of all this dragon steel stuff because THEY ALL GONNA DIE!
Only two episodes left!! Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones.