Last week Dany kicked Dothraki ass with fire and this week the White Walkers crushed our souls with their cold asses. The great thing about Westeros is while things seem to be progressing well, all hell can break loose at the next instance. At the end of the day we can agree on a couple of things: we all love this show and this is all fucking Bran’s fault! I’m gonna kill that bastard, and on to the show…..
You’ve all been forewarned that there is a penis shot in this episode and there are warts on said penis. HBO stays trolling us all with their unfair nudity practices. I hate you all.
Sansa vs. Creepy Uncle Man
Sansa grew a pair of balls and confronts Littlefinger about how he’s a dumb bastard who left her with a sadistic rapist. She asks if he was aware that Ramsay was a huge dipshit but Baelish is acting like he didn’t know all that would happen. He says he made a mistake trusting him and he’s sorry. She doesn’t trust him and never wants to see him again. He lets her know he has an army for her waiting, and she lets him live. I would have at least taken a limb. Maybe a finger at least so his name becomes a pun?
Does Everyone on Pyke Smell?
This is a question I can probably guess the answer to, YES! They all look like they smell. Sorry to digress, but the fishiness must get to outside visitors. I bet when they invade they are smelled a mile away and that’s why they suck at war. So Theon supports Yara’s claim to the throne. He makes valid points and while reluctant to the idea of a Queen, many people seem to view Yara as a real leader. Euron also makes a claim to the throne, and admits he killed his brother Balon. Euron plans on building a great fleet and marrying Dany to take over Westeros. Wait til she smells him, she’s totally going to pass. As he is crowned king, Yara and Theon escape with many men aboard the best fleets. Euron vows they will be killed and that Pyke will build the greatest fleet to take over the world…… yeah right whatever you smelly bastards. Nobody likes y’all
Those Creepy Little Elflike Kids
They are the reason the White Walkers exist. Fucking Keebler elves with their dumb magical shit. All because men cut down some trees. Yeah lets punish them by making them live forever in the cold. Great plan!
Arya Needs HGH: The girl needs some performance enhancing drugs because she is not cutting it. They should have her on a meat and potato diet at least to bulk up. She’s also getting shit for being born into money. They lived like they were poor and she had to go on the run at like age 9 give her a break. She is now tasked to slip an actress a poison to kill her. Aryan watches the acting troupe mock her father’s death and ridicule Sansa’s life. I ridicule Sansa weekly so I didn’t think they did that bad a job. Arya questions why the actress must die, but Jaqen warns her this is her last chance. I don’t like this crap for Aryan, can she go back to randomly murdering people on her list? The simpler times were great, this is just making her a weak ads bitch.
Bye again Jorah
He got friend zoned again, but Jorah took it like a champ and left Dany again. He showed her his arm, told her he was in love with her and then she didn’t say it back. Hahahahahahahahahaha. She commands him to find a cure and return to her because she needs him, but she still doesn’t love him, just clarifying!
Lord of Light Hearts Dany
Apparently the Lord of Light gets around because now instead of Jon he loves Dany. The new Melisandre clone tells Tyrion and Varys she will have the priests spread the word of the Dragon Queen. Varys is skeptical but this bitch just brought up his penis being thrown in a fire and it scared him so, he’s a believer now! Either way, Tyrion just won over the religious right. Is that a good thing?
Tormund Hearts Brienne
We need this ship to happen. Brienne needs to loosen her armor a bit and get wild because the ginger wildling wants him some tall bitch. He side eyed her again and she’s grossed out. She currently loathes and fears him but we are getting somewhere people, this can happen!
Ewww Sansa is in Charge
Davos and Jon are listening to Sansa. Okay yes she’s grown and become less obnoxious but let’s not get carried away here. She’s also sending Brienne to Riverrun which isn’t a great plan. Basically they are going to pick up as many small armies as they can on the way to Winterfell. Sansa is also making new Stark merchandise which is probably available on HBO.com right now. Jon’s jacket is just like Ned’s original fur, and Sansa’s shirt actually looks like something someone made and wore to Comic Con. But no let’s let her be in charge.
Bran Fucking Ruins Everything
Ugh! He never listened to the Three Eyed Raven and time travels without him. He ends up surrounded by a zombie army and The Night King touches Bran, leaving a mark on him. This means the dude knows where Bran is and can enter his magical little cave. This sounded way less dirty before I wrote it all down, but it’s really not my intention. It takes the army like twenty minutes to get to Bran, not even a day! Everything else on this show takes years but that search took twenty minutes tops. Meera tries to wake up Bran but he sucks, and it takes him forever to warg into Hodor. The Night King can enter the cave and the children are killed in the mêlée by the billions of zombies entering the cave. Poor Summer the direwolf got killed by zombies! Night King kills the Three Eyed Raven, and Bran now officially has taken over for the poor old dude who wouldn’t have died if it wasn’t for stupid Bran! So Bran is getting everyone killed and not leaving his vision. And now for the hard part….
Hold The Door
We found out the mystery behind Hodor’s constant need to say Hodor. Again all Bran’s fault! As Meera was escaping with Bran she screamed at Hodor to “Hold the door.” Bran remained in his vision of a long ago Winterfell where he could hear Meera’s screams, as did young Hodor. Bran wargs into Hodor and young Hodor keeps screaming “Hold the Door.” Hold the door becomes Hodor, and current time Hodo holds the door to the cave as he is being attacked by zombies. Meera is escaping with Bran, who is still in his vision listening to a young Hodor having a premonition about his death. Side note: not sure if Hodor survived that but I don’t think so, he was getting clawed at by dead people and screaming…..
So I hate Bran even more now for being a useless piece of shit who cannot do anything right… so there’s that. Hodor! Where will Meera and that sack of shit go to next? Who will save them, and why should they since they will just die anyway saving this bitch? Will Arya complete her task? Where will Theon and Yara sail to next? Will Brienne give in and feel the sweet, sweet touch of Tormund? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones!