What a snooze fest! That’s the only accurate description for Game of Thrones episode 606 “Blood of My Blood. Let’s discuss the positives of last night’s episode, shall we?
I’m still mad at Bran for being a little useless asshole. I don’t even care if he grows up to be the coolest human being ever… because I will know the truth that he’s a moron. He’s a Three Eyed Moron. He’ll probably just poop on everyone as a flying bird. I don’t care. And of course this week’s episode starts off with that troll still being alive. Can he at least warg into Robb Stark’s dead body so I don’t have to see his obnoxious face? Nope! We get nothing, but let us focus on the positives of the episode:
Bran Muffin + Uncle Ben = Carbs: That title really doesn’t make sense for story purposes but I had to make the family of carbohydrates joke somehow. We finally get Uncle Benjen back alive and well, yay! But he saved Bran’s life, boooooo! Bran was still in his trance as Meera worked her butt off to escape, and he got highlights of seasons 1 tot 5 and he didn’t even need an HBO Go account. Uncle Ben saves them from some Walkers and he’s better at fitting them than most people. The Three Eyed Raven sent for Benjen, the cool old guy, not Bran. Benjen explains he was attacked by White Walkers and the Children saved him from turning by stabbing him in the heart with dragon glass. Apparently Bran’s destined for great things and battling the Night’s King. Great I cannot wait. My plan would currently be maybe stockpiling allllll the dragon glass morons! It seems to be a valid plan! And speaking of some dragon glass like stuff…
Tarly Family Feud: Sam’s got him some Valyrian steel aka the stuff just as good as dragon glass!! Sam and Gilly arrive at Horn Hill and it is formal and Sam could have been on Rich Kids Of Westeros. Sam wants Gilly to lie and not admit she’s a wildling or that Little Sam isn’t his son. Sam’s mom and sister are delightful, but more importantly Gilly gets a bath and a makeover!!!!! Finally a girl gets her hair did. Sam gets his hair done too but meh, nope, not a good look. Dinner is really awkward because Sam’s dad is a dickhead. He’s a total stage mom calling Sam fat and a disappointment. Gilly tries defend Sam but reveals she is a wildling in the process. His father is passed and his mother had had enough. Gilly can stay but Sam is forever banished from Horn Hill. Gilly and Sam kiss goodbye, but then he grows some balls and decides they all belong together. Before they leave Sam steals his father’s sword, which is made of Valyrian steel. Dun dun dunnnnnnn!
Faith Won: Tommen is nervous for Margaery since she has to do a walk of atonement. The High Sparrow lets the two meet and Margaery convinces Tommen that she’s a sinner and her life was full of lies. Bitch better be full of shit because I can’t handle one of my faves becoming dumb. She at least looks like she’s lying. Jaime and the Tyrells rush to prevent Margaery’s walk from happening. The High Sparrow confuses everyone by announcing Margaery doesn’t have to walk since she brought forth another sinner. Snap its wimpy King Tommen. The Crown and the Faith have united. Well there goes all the orgies.
Lady Olenna is going to cut a bitch. Tommen removes Jaime as his Commander of the Knightsguard. He will be sent to lead an army against the Blackfish who has taken back Riverrun. Cersei wants Jaime to follow orders, but he prefers killing the High Sparrow. I like his plan better but he listens to his sister because let’s face it he’s whipped.
Tullys Making a Comeback: The Tully family have been out of action since the Red Wedding, and seasons later they finally start doing shit! I know we probably aren’t getting a Lady Stoneheart storyline, but damn that was some long ass wait for revenge. The Blackfish (Catelyn Stark’s uncle if you forgot) has taken back Riverrun from the Freys. Lord Walder is pissed and still looks like he hasn’t bathed in a quarter of a century. He also looks like he married about 5 more 10 year olds. He wants his sons to go back and retake the land, reminding the Blackfish they killed Robb and Catelyn, and they still are holding Lord Edmure prisoner. Oh hey that guys back, and he hasn’t showered either……
Arya Is Going to Hollywood: I think Arya has been reading my articles because she is so done with this training bullshit like I am. She watches another play and admires Lady Crane’s performance. Lady Crane notices her backstage and asks why she’s been in the audience more than once. The two have a cute conversation about acting, with Arya giving her the advice to show more anger as Cersei. Crane suggests Arya would make a great actress, but Arya runs off before the lady can suggest that Arya join the acting troupe. As Lady Crane is about to drink the poison, Aryan stops her and warns her to look out for the other actress in the group, as she wants Lady Crane dead. Waif sees that Arya has failed and reports back to Jaqen, who requests Waif kill Arya quickly and with mercy. Waif agrees but no one should trust this bitch. Arya grabs her sword Needle where she left it, and oh my god I hope she beats that other girls ass and hops on a ship out of that shitty city and basic training camp. Jaqen was no Mr. Miyagi and failed miserably.
HBIC Going to Sea: The head bitch in charge Dany got her dragon back and wants to sail to Westerns with the Dothraki who are totally down for killing some white rich people. The sail part worries me because I cannot have Theon near Dany and that’s where this is headed and I will gag. She’s going to use the Greyjoys, and ughhhh maybe she can get rid of Theon somehow. Kill the ginger fish people Dany!
Will the Greyjoys join forces with Dany? Will Arya get killed in Braavos? How does Jaime get to Riverrun so fast when it takes every other character half a season to get anywhere? Can we have an episode without Bran again? Can I just get a Lady Stoneheart scene filled as a DVD extra at least where she kills some of the Frey family? Please??? Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones.