I wish we could get a headcount of dead bodies from Sunday’s episode because I think more people died in “Battle of the Bastards” than in any other episode in Game of Thrones history.
War can be boring to watch, but this was far from boring. We were there in the battlefield with Jon and felt how he felt, and I felt claustrophobic. But basically tonight’s episode showed that the ladies are now running the show and the men are their sheep. Baaaaah sheep! Let’s take a look at all the big moments tonight.
SPOILER: This review/recap contains spoilers about the episode. Do not read if you wish to remain spoiler free.
Dany Owns the Masters: They came, they saw, they got their asses burnt to a crisp. Dany arrives back to Meereen wondering what the hell Tyrion was doing. The Masters are attacking and Dany is just going to crucify them a little and kill for some funsies. Dany doesn’t think she’ll be as psychotic as her family was and she meets with the Masters. These dumb bastards want her to surrender, and instead they get three dragons burning their entire fleet and some Dothraki killing all their men on land. Well….. that went well. Anyone else wondering why she didn’t do this seasons ago? I would have ridden the dragons the day after they finished up puberty.
Queens!: The Greyjoys finally make it to Meereen. It really felt like they got there in two days. So unfair timeline wise! Tyrion still loathes Theon and with good reason, but Yara is making an impression on Dany. I’m surprised Yara didn’t slap her on the ass after their discussion quite frankly. Is this war or the dating game? When Queen D learns Yara would be Queen she’s all like hey girlfriend!!!! They warn her about their uncle and pledge their fleet to her if they can keep their land after the war for the seven kingdoms is over. Theon is a mumbling idiot, and Yara convinces Dany with some valid points, in the midst of all her flirting. Dany will agree to their terms if they basically give up their awkward pirate like ways and they give up all that raping and pillaging. Yara agrees and the two women shake on it. They should have started playing a Westeros version of Respect because they ladies have taken over!
Bastardbowl 2016: So much to cover so I will try to break this down as quickly as possible. The Starks won, the end…..
Okay I will fill in some blanks:
I Think Sansa is a Dipshit: I started to like Sansa, but while I respect her growing and becoming stronger, I still can’t deal with her being a pretentious assailed who really likes to hear herself talk. I’m sure some will disagree with me, but she gets on my last nerve. She gets angry Jon doesn’t consult her in strategies against Ramsay. Um, you want him dead and that’s pretty much all you have to add. We get it, he’s cruel, so how does that help Jon? Also, she’s upset they don’t have more men….. was this whole thing not her idea?! Didn’t she say they had to hurry and fight?! No one up North wants to help your family boo! My favorite part of her plan was where she killed herself before going back to Ramsay. And finally, she was more than wiling to let both her brothers die so she could get to Ramsay. Rickon, she was like fuck him, we barely know the kid anyway. But the worst offence was not telling Jon about the Knights of the Vale. Why let all those innocent men die, and almost your brother too. It could have all been orchestrated to go down sooner. But alas the princess always gets what she wants, I hope Arya knocks her on her ass and takes over Winterfell.
The Red Slut Still Walks Amongst Us: The bitch still lives but possibly not for long since Davos knows she played a huge part in Shereen’s horrible death when he finds her toy amongst the pyre. I say rip off the necklace first and make her do the walk of atonement, off camera though. Jon also asks the slore not to resurrect him again, but as long as the Lord of Light wants him… he is going to live forever!
BastardBowl MVP: Tormund because he ripped off an ear. You just cannot top that.
Another Stark Died: Status Update, there are now only 4 Starks left counting Jon. Rickon died because Ramsay is gross and killed him on the battlefield to play mind games with Jon. Rickon gets shot with an arrow to the heart and with that we say goodbye to a character that really had zero story. I should be sad but I cared more about his direwolf getting beheaded. Oops.
Ramsay is A Dick, and They Should Have Cut it Off: He lost. He thought he had Jon’s army outnumbered and he did at first. He also thought killing Rickon would give him an edge, but it pissed Jon off more than anything. He did have Jon and his men surrounded and near death, but Sansa strutted in and the Knights of the Vale destroyed his army. He also blows at hand to hand combat and Jon beats the shit out of him quite easily. Bad day all around, and then his wife feeds him to his dogs. See I would have tortured him more, but nope the basic bitch just fed him to dogs. Lame. Finally at least this gross creeper has died. Bye bitch!
Will Jon confront Sansa over the fact she neglected to mention the Knights of the Vale? Will Jon tell us how quickly he showered after he was covered in dead bodies? Will Sansa have to sleep with Littlefinger now that she pimped herself for some troops? Will Davos kill Melisandre? Will Grey Worm and Theon bond over having no penis? Will I ever get Lady Stoneheart on this freaking show???? Please!!! Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones.