Oh my god! It’s taken years but Game of Thrones‘ third episode of the final season finally saw the conflict between the alive and the undead come to a head in the Battle of Winterfell.
So obviously we knew some people were going to die, some would live, but I was clutching my pearls the entire time. There was a ton of fighting in this episode so it should be a quick recap but oh my god that ending! Let’s dive into the Season 8 episode “The Long Night”.
[Editor’s Note: This article contains major spoilers for Game of Thrones season 8, episode 3.]
MVP: Arya. End of Recap. All you really need to know.
Okay, I guess I have to say more, but really it’s true. Dany maybe kinda gets runner up but really there was no competition here. Arya wins at life, wins at war, and should probably be the one who rules the Iron Throne since she’s been consistently bad ass since episode 1.
Guess who Came Back for an Episode Just to Die: Melissandre returned and did serve some purpose. Luckily, she was there to start fires. Like if you ever go camping and cannot light a campfire, this is the bitch you call. She lit the trenches on fire when the cold was blowing out the fires, and she lit the Dothraki torches. However, she essentially came there just to die.
After the battle is said and done, she takes off her necklace and dies as an old woman. I will kinda miss fire crotch with her smoke babies and weird but true prophecies. However, she served her purpose and died for her sins in killing Stannis’ baby girl.
Walking Dead on Meth: It is very hard to recap a battle. I could just say people died the end, but I won’t. It literally was the walking dead on meth. These bitches were fast, and I could barely see anything for half the episode. I thought Brienne died like 5 times with all her weird facial expressions and moaning. Grey Worm also looked like he was crying while fighting and constipated. Sam I think actually shit himself and cried. Jorah looked eternally confused, and the Hound had a panic attack. Emotions were everywhere across the map.
Who Died….I think?!: Lots of people died as we suspected would happen. I am pretty sure 98% of the Dothraki population died first. Edd, our last of the Night’s Watch died protecting Sam, who was still crying by the end. Poor little Lyanna dies by getting crushed by a Giant wight. She luckily goes down fighting and kills the wight by stabbing it in the eye. Beric also dies protecting Arya. He finally dies after coming back because as Melissandre states he finally served his purpose. As Bran thanks Theon for being a good man, Theon of course naturally dies trying to kill the Night King. It was a long time coming and I predicted this last week JUST SAYIN.
And the eternally friend zoned Jorah finally dies protecting Dany. I was so excited Theon and Jorah died, I hope I didn’t miss anyone. If I did let me know!
The body count: Hundreds of extras, the Dothraki army, Commander of the Night Watch Dolorous Edd, Lyanna Mormont, Jorah Mormont, Beric Dondarrion, Theon Greyjoy, the Night King and that witch Melisandre.
Remained Absolutely Useless: I like to call this the reverse MVPs. The Most Valuable Pieces of Shit so to speak. Are number one useless character award goes to……Bran of course did nothing but just sit there again. He did nothing. I really don’t get it. What’s the point? He sat there the whole time, and he was warging but the warging did nothing.
Number two goes to Sansa!! Yes, those Starks really don’t live up to the rest of the family. Arya tells Sansa to go to the crypts because let’s face it she can’t fight or do much anything of use except give stink face. She even told Tyrion that they are useless so even she agrees with me. When the dead came alive in the crypt, I thought I would see at least some action…Nope. Eternal boredom down there in that crypt.
Number three goes to the Hound for that two-minute panic attack. What was that about? Rude, and thankfully Beric snapped him out of it when he pointed out Arya needed help.
Dragons Should Not Fight: It was hard watching dragons bitch and claw at each other. Give me humans fighting and killing each other any time. Jon and Dany flew in to save the army from the wights, but the Night King and his dragon counteracted their attack eventually.
Dany thinks she finally has the Night King and has Drogon blow fire at it but it does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And he gave her such a bitch please look. Jon chases after him but of course like a G, he raises the dead. Even the little Lyanna comes back to life. Dany has to save Jon AGAIN because that’s what happens when you date Jon, you consistently have to save his ass. The wights attack Drogon and he has to abandon Dany, who gets saved by jorah because THAT is what happens when you are Dany’s eternally friend zoned stalker.
THE END OMAGAWD: So, I got a little nervous in the end not going to lie because the Night King and his army was looking like they were going to win and I would have to sit through another week of this trauma. His dragon was blowing blue smoke up Jon’s ass, he took a fire dragon shower that didn’t hurt him, he raised the dead in one move, and then he killed Theon. So when Arya jumped up from behind him and he grabbed her by the throat, my stomach actually went up into my throat and I let out this heaving “AHFA:KKKKKAHHHHUHHHHHHHHH” sound.
We have just seen Arya save the Hound, then completely fall apart a bit running away from the dead, but then Melissandre gave her some extra confidence. She reminded her that she prophesized Arya would kill someone with blue eyes. Davos was even watching Arya like Whattttt?! So, Arya gets caught by the Night King but drops her knife into her other hand and stabs him. When he dies so does everyone else, the dragon, the giants, the other White Walkers. ARYA SAVED EVERYONE. FUCKING MVP and the GREATEST OF ALL TIME. BAM!
What happens next week? Who is dead, and who is alive? Tormund better be fine! Cersei’s ass is in so much trouble. Just send Arya, or better yet Bran who can stare at her all episode. The next battle begins next week on Game of Thrones!!