Thanks for joining me on the penultimate episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones. All I can say is I have no idea what the fuck happened in “The Bells”. So say I’m kind of disappointed with the way this show is going would be an understatement, and I am going to guess I will not be thrilled with the ending. But like the rest of you, I am in it for the long haul and it is what it is, so away we go with this recap.
[Editor’s Note: This article contains major spoilers for Game of Thrones season 8, episode 5.]
Game of Thrones Recap: “The Bells”
Season 8, Episode 5 | Airdate: May 12, 2019
The Showrunners: They clearly hate us. By “us” I mean women. At this rate Bran will be the only one left alive. Dany has become the Mad Queen in two episodes. Seriously the entire series was about how she rose to power and then apparently according to these writers she had her period and decided to kill everyone. That’s great. Let me guess, next week Arya kills her because her whole list is gone and what better way to end this then have all the women turn on each other.
Bye Baldy: Varys finally died for betraying Dany. He survived this whole show only to be killed for being right that Dany became bipolar. Tyrion turned him in, trusting in Dany to do the right thing. Poor Tyrion has even become an idiot because this show has entered bizarre world in it’s final season. He freed Jaime too so he could talk some sense into Cersei. WHAT?! I kind of wish the Dead won at this point. Maybe that’s where this is headed. Can we bring the Night King back? I think he was on to something. If Dany kills Tyrion for freeing Jaime…like I cannot at this point.
Jon Doesn’t Want to Be King: …..still on Dany’s side this week. Then saw her murder innocent women and children so next week he just can’t wait to be king? It looks like he might kill her, but let’s face it Jon Snow doesn’t do anything right so maybe Arya will kill Dany. At this rate if Dany survives, I will be shocked because the writers have worked SO HARD to destroy her character that it this point every theory we had about this show got thrown out the window. It’s not like I even have the books to look forward to because THE SHOW took over.
The HBIC looked Like S-H-I-T: I guess to get the full-on Mad Queen look they had Dany stop eating and look rough. Jon Snow has betrayed her for you know being born and loving her. Tyrion has let her down for staying by her side and giving her good advice. This poor bitch! Now she’s obsessed with the fact no one loves her. What about all those slaves you freed those first couple seasons? The Dothraki? The Unsullied? Pretty sure they all like you. Who cares if a bunch of random poor people are like ehhh? They’ll like you once you get rid of the psycho brother fucker. But nooooooooo they don’t love her so they must die.
Best Part of The Show: CLEGANEBOWL!!! Promised for years and finally happened. It’s the one thing I think all fans guessed correctly. The Hound was nice enough to tell Arya to save herself and get over killing Cersei. He knew he would die and wanted better for her.
Zombie Mountain finally did something cool and killed Qyburn by crushing his head against a rock. He stopped protecting Cersei just to kill his little brother. Priorities! Zombie Mountain cannot die, so The Hound was at a disadvantage and got his ass kicked. He lost an eye and kept stabbing his brother but you can’t really kill something that’s dead already and not supplied by the Night King. The Hound sacrificed himself and threw himself and his brother off the tower where they burned to death. It may be odd to say this but awwwwwwww. Great ending for a great character at least.
The Pirate Jackass Finally Died: Pirate Pacey from Dawson’s Creek finally died. After surviving Dany burning his entire fleet, Euron took on Jaime. Jaime, another character who redeemed himself only to digress into the sniveling lovebird brother. Euron stabs Jaime repeatedly but Jaime ended up killing Euron who was thrilled that he potentially killed Jaime. Way to go bro? I mean calm down you dying too.
R.I.P: to the about 1,000 extras that got killed tonight. Dany is clearly allergic to bells because she got the crazy eyes and nervous tick before she killed all the innocent women and children. Sure, some soldiers died after surrendering and she almost killed Arya like 18 times too, but hey who doesn’t want to rule a completely damaged town where all of it’s townspeople were killed? Special shout out to Grey Worm for killing everyone with just a spear too. Who needs people to surrender when you are in a blind rage?
Most Disappointing End to a Character: Cersei. Yes the evil shrew died crying and in the arms of the man she loves. How is that fair? All these years we thought Arya would kill her, maybe Tyrion, maybe finally Jaime who came to his senses? Nope. She died getting crushed to death and hoping she wouldn’t die…………. I FEEL CHEATED! They get crushed to death? And nothing else matters? No they did not invoke Metallica?! Instead Jaime and Cersei get to die together quickly, which didn’t seem like justice after all the shit they caused.
Is There Hope For A Good Ending: Nope? Sorry for investing in this all these years! The good news is Arya is still alive and looks really pissed off that Dany killed everyone. Unfortunately, Jon looked all disappointed by what Dany did so now that also will be an overdramatic thing. What will happen? The hell if I know because these writers did whatever the fuck, they wanted these last two episodes. I am just going to pretend the show ended with the Night King’s death.
Join me next week for the FINALLLLLLLL episode of Game of Thrones.