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I cannot even begin to recap the hot mess that was season five of True Blood. In fact, I am NOT going to! Yes I had you all fooled. Instead let’s take a look at the BEST and WORST of this season. There’s no holding back, there’s no pulling punches. Just the cold, hard, unfiltered (to an extent), Hot Mess Mandy truth.
Best: Christopher Meloni – When it is announced that Christopher Meloni is joining a cast, it is always GOOD news. I expected Mr. Meloni to be sleeping with everyone and to be walking around stark naked at all times just like he did on Oz. Unfortunately for viewers, Chris graced us with his presence only for a few episodes, before his character was unceremoniously killed off.
Worst: YOU DON’T KILL CHRIS MELONI! – If you do decide to kill off a character played by Chris, make sure it’s AFTER we’ve seen him naked! Where do I begin? Instead of inundating us with his sexy, all we got was this crazy dude spouting off religious vampire shit. Excuse me? For a show that’s all about pushing boundaries, they really flunked this one. What was the point? You had a character whose mere presence struck fear into the cold hearts of all vampires, and you kill him off?
Best: Sookie and Jason- Now this one might take you by surprise folks. Hell it even surprised me. The Jason/Sookie bonding world tour took place this year and I have finally found someone who makes her tolerable: JASON. It was refreshing to see these two work together, and it was also hysterical at times.
Worst: F****N’ SOOKIE – When is this show going to make this character likable? She might seriously be the worst lead character in the history of the free world. Why do all these hot guys fawn all over this bitch? Fairy blood my ass! This girl can take a freaking seat and quit it with the “woe is me” routine.
Best: Not Much of Sookie – Do I hate the girl? YES. But did this show finally grow a pair and shift away from her? YESSSSS Finally!! Supporting characters actually got screentime and stories, and this annoying little freak got no attention. Was it because of Anna Paquin’s pregnancy? You know what I don’t care, Mazel Tov! In fact get pregnant again until the writing staff figures out how to make Sookie less annoying, and more rootable.
Worst: Not Enough SEX. That’s S-E-X. – You cannot do four seasons of this show where we see butts, boobs, and people having mass orgies and give us a sex scene here or there. When you have characters like Eric, Jason, and Alcide they should be naked at all times!! If there are any gentlemen reading this, okay why wasn’t Jessica naked more? Give us something! I mean I saw ANDY’s BUTT! I can never erase that from my brain!!!
Best: No Bill/Sookie/Eric love triangle – This goes back to way less of Sookie this year, but it was great seeing them all with different people. Last year they made Eric a wimp, Bill more obnoxious than usual, and Sookie…well she’s Sookie. Eric got it on with his “sister,” and I am not going to lie…HOT!
Worst: The Authority – Isn’t it bad enough that we have to deal with religious discussion in the real world, that we also have to deal with it during our entertainment time? Who gives two shits about Lilith? Don’t all raise your hands at once. Bill already sounded like a crazy preacher, way to go actually making him one. At least he thinks Sookie is a basic bitch. Welcome to the club Bill!
Best: Pam and Tara…with a little Jessica – Okay I do not like Tara at all, but I love Pam. Do I buy them as a couple? Absolutely not, however…..Pam can make a cardboard box interesting, and somehow I can tolerate their “lesbian weirdness.” Actually I might be okay with them being together because Sookie is freaking out by it….which makes her uncomfortable…which makes me happy. Jessica was also brought into the mix, not romantically (Praise Jesus), but it’s good to see the female vamps come together as friends…without that Sookie bitch.
Worst: Too Many Side Stories – While it’s great exploring the actors on your canvas, why the hell did we get a story about Terry? Who thought Terry was important? These people are supporting characters for a reason…they support the MAIN story, they are NOT THE story. I don’t need Fairy night clubs that lead to nothing. I don’t care about shifters dying and how Sam feels about that. Okay, I really do wonder why all the wolves look like trailer trash meth heads, but that will probably never be answered.
Best: Russell and the Reverend – These bitches danced to “Teenage Dream” after slaughtering people, enough said.
Worst: Hoyt – where did ya go boo?
Overall, I thought this season was pretty terrible. The entire season was at a snail’s pace and kicked off in the last three episodes. You cannot throw a bunch of random things at the viewer and expect them to enjoy it by killing off almost everyone and then leaving us with a cliffhanger. Was that even a cliffhanger if we don’t care? Andy has 4 fairy babies, he is the one who is really f***ked, not the rest of the world from Blood Red Bill with uglier teeth. Regardless I am pretty sure people will be tuning in to see the adventures of Basic Bitch Sookie and her fine ass collection of men.
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