‘Game of Thrones’ Review: ‘The Lion and the Rose’

In Game of Thrones‘ newest episode, “The Lion and the Rose,” Margaery of the House of Tyrell and Joffrey of the House of Lannister welcome you to the Royal Wedding of the century! Look, THERE’S PIE!!! Pie with birds flying out of it?! Did your wedding have pie and birds? Will your wedding have pie and birds? I think not.

Before we get to the big day for the two love…, well people who really tolerate each other in the name of world domination, let’s go over the less fabulous aspects of this episode in the Game of Thrones review for “The Lion and the Rose”.

Warning: Full spoilers for the episode follow…

Zzz… Snorezville: Anything having to do with a kid named Bran. Maybe I am in the minority, I really do not know, but this kid should have died when he went flying off a tower. I don’t care that he is a warg, I don’t care that he has some greater purpose, I don’t care..HODOR! Hodor is more interesting, and the poor bastard is reduced to one word answers and carrying Bran around. Not for nothing, the kid cannot even warg correctly. Like, Bran, you cannot sit with us at lunch. And if it’s not Bran pissing me off….

How Does This Person Pee: …Then there is Theon the Peon. I don’t feel bad for the dickless weirdo now named Reek. I particularly am not a fan of Ramsay Snow either because I have a weak stomach. Seriously, this dude gives me the creeps, and it appears his only saving grace might be that he wants to go find Bran and kill him. Please do. Just cut out the part where you cut off private areas and make people do freaky shit all in the name of being bored and being a bastard. Like get a better hobby. This is why bastards have bad names. But seriously how is Theon peeing without a penis? Like is there just a massive hole now or does is just all sit…WHY AM I WONDERING THIS?

Best Budding Bromance: So like Jaime Lannister wants to learn how to use a sword with his left hand, and Tyrion is like that’s totes doable. Jaime’s like no wayyyy like who would do that? Like who would teach me and not tell anyone I suck cause I lost my hand! Bronn.  While Tyrion and Bronn are better than Jaime and Bronn, there is something about these two that really works. It could be their charm, their swordplay, or the fact they both kinda love the little dude. Either way, cannot way to see more of these two together.

Photo: HBO

It’s Not Me It’s You, No Really it’s you, Mega Whore: Tyrion dumped Shae. Can we talk about how clingy the mega whore was? I mean slow your role and listen to the guy who is trying to save your ungrateful butt. So Cersei finds out about Tyrion/Shae, and Varys warns Tyrion. So Tyrion tries to get her to leave, but Shae isn’t just a whore, she’s a dumb whore. No Tywin wants to see Shae in his tower, which is probably just a euphemism for I wanna tap that ass.  Finally Tyrion calls her a whore, and she’s like pshhhh. Bronn assures Tyrion he got that bitch out of Westeros, but something tells me Shae is like a bad case of gonorrhea and isn’t going anywhere.

Probably still pouting as I write this: Sansa. Stop. It.

Purple Wedding Worst Dressed List: Brienne. I had such high hopes when she became friends with Margaery, but she clearly used Joffrey’s tailor for her outfit. I mean, woof.

Best Dressed: Margaery of course! Snaps, and double snaps! She wore a lovely off –white (mmhmm) somewhat blue dress with her hair done up in curls. She could have been naked and still looked great.

Best Wedding Conversation: Has to be a tie between Tywin and Lady Olenna, and Jaime and Loras. Tywin and Olenna shoot the shit about how much this dumb wedding is costing them. Lady Olenna is also making sure people are eating everything since it costs so damn much. Then there is Jaime and Loras. Jaime warns Loras that Cersei will kill him in his sleep and that he will never marry Cersei. Loras nonchalantly replies, hey guess what, neither will you. SNAP!!!

Worst Song to Play at a Wedding: Rains of Castamere. We get it, someone dies when you play it. So stop playing it already! The dwarves who reenacted the war of the seven kings were more entertaining.

Best Wedding Dessert:/Line at a Wedding: LOOK, THE PIE! Birds in the pie people! That pie was the size of an adult Golden Retriever. Yes it was oddly brown, but damn did it look tasty.

Photo: HBO

Best Religion Teacher Ever: Melissandre. Yes she is nuts, but all the best professors were if you think about it. So what if she’s like a weirdo hippie into Scientology, at least she’s having fun doing it.  At first I was judging her harshly, but maybe I was just jealous that I cannot create a smoke monster from Lost with my vagina. It’s something to aspire to I guess. At least she makes the basic ass Stannis somewhat interesting. Also, never leave her with your kids because she will give them some religious real talk. To summarize what she told Stannis’ daughter: that whole 7 Gods thing is crap, there are only two gods, Light and Dark, and oh yeah we are totally in hell right now. If that isn’t a bedtime story for the ages, then what is? In fairness, this lady has a point.

The King Is Dead: Last season was a bummer because the Red Wedding meant the death of Robb and Catelynn Stark. At least now we have the Purple Wedding, which was the end of the annoying, sadistic, brat, incest born creeper known as King Joffrey. Kudos to Jack Gleeson because he did a great job at making us loathe his character every week. In typical Joffrey form, he starts giving Tyrion a hard time at his wedding, pouring a drink over his uncle’s head, and forcing him to bring him his beverages. So finally we get THE PIE, and apparently it’s a little dry…..insert obvious joke here. Tyrion brings Joffrey his wine, and Joffrey starts choking. THE KING IS CHOKING, and only Cersei and Jaime seem to care. Obviously his mom and dad care about him, but really this motherf—– had to die. Joffrey turns a ridiculous shade of purple, and has blood coming out of his nose as if he snorted two vials of cocaine. Honestly, a cooler death would have been him snorting cocaine, but no he gets pie and poisoned wine.  This looked like an episode of Intervention when he started puking, sweating, and bleeding from his face. Before he dies Joffrey points to Tyrion, who is holding the cup full of poison. Joffrey dies in Cersei’s arms and she has Tyrion arrested!  Where are the medics on this show by the way? People keep dying left and right, and they don’t have anyone taste test the kid’s food and beverages? You really cannot find good help in any century can you.

The Wrap

For an episode not having my favorite people, Arya and Queen Dany, this episode was fabulous! Does Margaery have the worst luck ever when it comes to consummating her marriages? Does Joffrey’s little brother become king? Will Tywin take over completely? Does Margaery have to return the gifts? Can I get those little people to come to my wedding? What will happen to Tyrion now that it appears he has killed Joffrey? Will we find out who put the poison in that cup? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones.