Hey nerds! I am back, but more importantly so is the best medieval soap opera on HBO, Game of Thrones. In true GOT style, tonight’s premiere, “Two Swords,” packed a ton of stuff into one hour. Let’s consider this the “Where are they now?” episode, as we see where everyone stands after that boring Red Wedding no one even remembers.
You know what, you totally remember the damn wedding because we lost the fine ass Robb Stark and his overprotective Mama Bear. Joffrey is still king, still a tool, and everyone else is essentially miserable. Recap over!
If only things were really that simple, but alas there is more drama in the world of Westeros then at a Real Housewives reunion. The episode was fast paced and tried to include every character….well the ones that I think personally matter (Hallelujah! No BRAN!). Some people might sit back and say, eh boring, not much happened and to them I say, “have a seat this is episode 1.”
Here are a few import things that mattered tonight:
Voice of Reason: As always it seems to me that the only character that has a level head is Tyrion. Imp the Pimp is no longer of great importance to his family so he is basically doing all he can to protect his loved ones and save his ass. Look for him to be scrambling all season and having to use his wits to survive. I mean he has a wife, a mistress, and Joffrey to worry about, of course he is stressed! At least his bromance with Bronn is keeping him sane.
Least Likely to be Pleasuring Themselves: Poor Jaime. Poor, poor, poor Jaime. It’s a good thing there are plenty of whores on this show because Jaime is sporting one heavy duty metal hand that probably wouldn’t even go over well at leather night. One person who is not having it: Cersei. Twincest might officially be over because Cersei is not down with the prosthetic loving. I just love that the brother part never stopped her, but the lack of one hand is a turn off? You have to love the priorities on this show.
Mega Whore of the Week: Are we shocked it’s my girl Shae!?! I think Shae has won this award more then any other character but nonetheless I salute the horny prostitute turned servant. However, her jealousy routine over Sansa is getting old. The little dude loves you, so stop freaking the fuck out over the fact he does not want to sleep with you right now. What part of you might die are you not getting? Whilst I love a good slore, I do detest a dumb slore.
HBIC: In case you’ve never read my reviews before, this stands for: ‘Head Bitch in Charge.” As always this award goes to Khaleesi aka Dany aka Mother of all Dragons aka….she’s got way too many nicknames. Momma finally has some problems because baby dragons are now teenage dragons, and they ain’t living no teenage dream. They are going through some nasty puberty and Dany should just be grateful they are all boys and not getting their dragon periods because that would be a huge mess. Side note: She’s got a new side piece with Daario, and in case you missed it, Daario has been recast with a much shorter dude with a beard. Yes I was confused for twenty seconds too, but that last guy had janky teeth so this might be a good thing.
Hot New Guy: There is a new hot guy. His name is Oberyn Martell. Likes include lots of sex, sex with girls, sex with boys, gold outfits. Dislikes include people forgetting he is a Prince, Lannisters, and people who don’t accept money for sex. Check out his profile on OkCupid.com under the name ObiSexual212.
Bitch, please: Sansa. Yeah I feel bad for you, but bitch, please stop being stupid and talking to all the wrong people.
Still a dickhead: Joffrey. Self explanatory, and how dare you be rude to your Dad-uncle Jaime.
Wildlings Report: All still not showering. Now hanging out with some cannibal freaky people named Thenns. The Ginger is still alive and pissed off. Warning Jon Snow, warning!
Royal Wedding Report: We are getting another WEDDIINNGGGG!!! Who doesn’t love a wedding on this show? Probably everyone because wedding = someone is going to die or be miserable forever. Yay!! At least Lady Olenna is planning this party, and head bitch in charge in training Margaery is going to try to outdo Princess Kate. Let’s hope she is wearing Vera of the House of Wang. Brienne should totally be the flower girl. Watching Lady Olenna do a double take on seeing the behemoth is gif worthy. While Joffrey will unfortunately be at this wedding I am sure it will be a wedding we won’t forget (I know what happens people, this is me holding back spoilers because I am a lovely person…..OMG I WANT TO TELL YOU BUT I WON’T).
Knows Nothing: Still Jon “I would do him in a pile of” Snow. This whole Night’s Watch things is killing his love life and doing nothing for his complexion. I just worry that he has dry skin in that weather. Also, most of his brothers want him dead for having sex and killing one of his own. I think they should give him the benefit of the doubt, it’s not like anything exciting happened before he got there.
Best Duo: The Hound and Arya. I heart them. He is huge, she is small. He is serious, she is sarcastic. They just complete each other. So Arya the Badass is all like “yo I want my sword back,” and Hound is like “no little bitch fuck yo sword. “ And Arya is like “hells nah I’m going in there and taking shit back.” Cut to the bar and Hound and Arya just pimp walking to a table and everybody be looking. Hound like “where my chicken at?” Small dude be like “yo, you the Hound and shit, I will give you chicken if you let me tap that little kid.” Hound comes back with “well now I want two pieces of chicken Popeye!” Dude be like “whaaaaaaattttt Bitch please.” And then a fight breaks out like the ones at the BET Awards. Hound starts beating errrrbody up, and then Arya helps out by shanking everyone with HER sword, that’s right HER sword. Word. Then they ate their chicken. Bad. Ass.
Next week we cut to the Royal Wedding. What will everyone be wearing? Will Sansa cry for the 8087th time? Bran is back……why? Will Brienne wear a dress to the wedding for funzies? Are we going to hear “The Rains of Castamere” again or will they learn their lesson and go with a Medieval DJ? Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones!