Is everyone still talking and looking at the pie? Because I AM! This week, no pie, but plenty has happened on tonight’s episode.
Obviously last week we lost the King of the Brat Children, Joffrey. I shall miss him like I would miss a UTI…with a burning passion of…yeah I won’t miss him.
Best Looking Widow Award: Queen Margaery, or not so much Queen Margaery, and seriously is she even a Queen? Bitch has no idea. Lady Olenna says she isn’t really a Queen unless her and Jofferey did the business, and the thought of that made me want to vomit everywhere, so lucky you Margaery. She thinks she is cursed, I say she lucked out not having to sleep with any of these people. Being a widow twice must suck, but at least you looked good doing it girl!
How Dumb is Sansa this Week: On a scale of 1 to 10 I’d say an 8 this week. Yes, a solid 8 for getting on a boat with the creepy Littlefinger Pete Baelish who sounds like he smoked a pack of Camels. Little Pete wants to sleep with you moron!! He was obsessed with your mother, now he is obsessed with you. How is she not getting this? Oh yeah and he made that fake necklace she was wearing………NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL SANSA. It’s completely normal to be whisked away after your husband is arrested for murder…SUREEEE.
Next In Line to Be King: Tommen, played by a new and much older actor. Like we wouldn’t notice HBO? I am not complaining, at least he is boy band level cute. Although if he keeps listening to Tywin we are going to have a problem on our hands, but for the meantime, peace out Joffrey hello Tommen. And I think his grandfather is trying to get him laid so this should be interesting….
Worst Place to Have Sex: On or around your son’s dead body. Call me judgmental but I think in a room adjacent to the dead body would have been a smidge classier. Jaime seems to care more about fucking Cersei then dealing with the fact Joffrey is dead. He just wants to really sleep with his sister and doesn’t care that they are about to be doing it by their son’s dead body. If that isn’t even enough, Cersei’s form of foreplay is asking Jaime to kill Tyrion to avenge their son. Sure bro! I will sleep with you, just kill our little brother. Wait, no I didn’t mean by the kid’s dead body…no no, well no, okay, yeah wait no…And Jaime doesn’t really seem to care. So yeah this kind of got rapey and super dooper creepy.
MY FAVORITE PEOPLE ON THE PLANET RIGHT NOW: The People of Dorne. Yep all of them. All they do is have sex and drink a shitload. I think they are on to something. We got ANOTHER Dorne Orgy this week. I think I have died and gone to Dorne heaven. Rude Tywin interrupts said orgy and I just love that Prince Doesn’t Speak English Well asked him to have a seat on his bed full of orgy sexual fluids.
Worst House Guest Ever, But Funniest Houseguest Ever: Hound. It’s not like I ever thought he would be a good guest but I mean please and thank you would have been nice. However, his snot rocket at the beginning of the episode was a thing of glory. Cutting off his host’s prayers asking them if they will pray he won’t murder them in their sleep is what makes this man so damn charming. The Hound stealing from the poor guy and his daughter….not so charming, but it’s not like they were interesting people. Arya is learning the harsh realities of Westeros from the Hound…who is totally her Mrs. Garrett from the Facts of Life. I am probably the only recapper to every realize this connection, but I am TOTALLY right.
EWWWWWW: Anything Gilly and Sam related. I mean his crush is cute, and her flirting back is sweet but I have second hand embarrassment in every one of their scenes together. Sam, putting your faux girlfriend into a whorehouse to save her from being raped at Castle Black….NOT exactly what every girl wants from a guy. Go to the Castle Black library and read up on How to Pick Up Chicks because you are in so much trouble right now.
Basic Bitch of the Night: Stannis. He is just always so Basic. You don’t deserve Ser Davos, who will clearly be involved in this year’s Westeros Spelling Bee once he graduates from Westeros Phonics School.
Angry Ginger: Ygritte. Just killing errrrrbody because she misses Jon Snow’s dick that much. Oh yes she does.
Awwww NAHHHHH: Tyrion is in jail for killing Joffrey, he has no idea where Shae is, he just found out that Sansa has disappeared, Bronn is not allowed to see him, and OMG HE IS HAVING THE WORST WEEK EVER?! His judges for his trial are his father, Mace Tyrell, and Prince Doesn’t Speak English Well. All he wants is to see his brother Jaime. How will our little genius get out of this one?
Head Bitch In Charge and You Best Recognize: Queen Dany Khaleesi, Miss Stormborn if you’re nasty. Who rolls up into some random town and asks its slaves to kill their masters? This bitch! The people of Meereen suck, their peeing warrior that Daario killed in two seconds was pathetic, and they dress like the raided the curtain department at JC Penney. This was no contest. Go slaves go! Kill all the badly dressed rich people!
So quite frankly, not the most thrilling episode after losing the most hated character on the show, but still a great follow up. We had an orgy, twincest rape near a dead body, an awesome rebellion at the end so really I cannot complain.
Will Jon get attacked by the raging ginger who is approaching Castle Black? Will Dany have a new group of followers after the attack on Meereen? Are Jaime and Cersei still having sex by that dead body? No really are they? Will Tyrion come up with a plan to prove his innocence? …I really need to know if they like knocked over the dead body or anything, I am not sleeping tonight. Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones!