We are back after a one week break, which in Westeros time is approximately 3 months. This episode really did my HEAD in. You really had to SEE it to believe it. Forget the review, how many head or eye jokes can I make about tonight’s episode? I bet no one SAW that coming. It’s not like I could have given you a HEAD’S up. And wow that was way easier than I thought, so I should just get right to it. The best and worst of tonight’s episode, and away we go….
UPDATE FROM THE WALL: Wildings still attacking, Night’s Watch is still screwed, and pretty much they all smell from not showering for years. At least Gilly is still alive, and Sam is as clueless as ever, but let’s all hope he gets laid by the time the damn show is over. Side note: Ygritte looks angrier than Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, so she might be coming after Jon and boiling his direwolf by the next episode.
CUTEST PEEPING TOM EVER: Oh Grey Worm, poor poor no penis having Grey Worm. He has a huge crush on Missandei, but is missing his twig and berries. She seems startled that he is just staring at her naked, yet later she seems somewhat flattered that this dude without a penis actually likes her. So the question is out there….is he really missing everrryyythhinnnngg? Well either way, Grey Worm apologizes and she admits she enjoys his creeper ways since he was so charming about it. Yeah, let’s cut the crap, if he was ugly she would be pissed, but since he looks like a Banana Republic model, she will let this pass.
THEON REMAINS A LOSER: Not that this is brand new information, but will this guy ever freaking get his shit together? I mean why is Ramsay so freaking scary? You grab a sword and stab him, it’s that freaking easy. But noooo. Ramsay still has Theon brainwashed into thinking that he is Reek. To make matters worse, Theon betrays his own people by having them surrender, only to have Ramsay torture them to death. You are winning zero points with the audience Theon!! No one wants to watch you bathe the creeper every week.
IF UNCLE SCAR FROM THE LION KING HAD A KID: It would be Ramsay. Roose explains he is the warden of the North, which means he really has control of more land than any of the other so called kings. Since Ramsay helped him, Roose decides to acknowledge Ramsay as his son and give him the last name of Bolton. Awww, it is always touching when a man acknowledges his serial killer son and he doesn’t even have to bring him to the Maury Povich Show.
BYE BITCH: Bye Jorah! Jorah finally got called out for spying on Dany all these years. Yes he wasn’t really a bad guy, but I was so bored with him always professing his love and telling her what to do all the time. Next time be honest about how you were a dick at first, and then MAYBE she would have forgiven you. Lucky for us Dany was disgusted and banished Clingy McClingerson. And if he comes back he gets his head chopped off like Ned Stark…..Peace out, don’t call us, we will call you.
HUGE LIARFACE, YOU ARE GOING TO HELL: SANSA! My goodness how did she learn to lie so quickly! Maybe the air up by the Vale is causing Sansa to become smart or something. It’s so new to me that I am finding it hard to compliment the normally dumb bitch. While Arya remains my favorite female Stark, tonight Sansa drank up a cup of some bad bitch! Sansa admits to the Vale Council that she is Sansa Stark and that Little Finger did everything he did to protect her. She LIES and says that Lysa was jealous of the affection Baelish showed Sansa, so she killed herself. Then she cries and waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh she just won a damn Oscar for her whole bullshit story because they buy it. Petry is looking all proud like a touchy uncle. Im just still in shock she learned how to lie….and not on her back.
Baelish wants to know why she lied for him, and she just says that she knows what he wants. Well……ew. I mean, ewwwwwwww. So Robin will take over the Vale, with Baelish running everything, and Sansa is a brunette now, and JFC I thought that was her mother coming down the stairs. Her transition from basic bitch to evil mega bitch in one episode is complete with one hair dye job. Where did this bitch find a box of Clairol Natural Instincts?
BEST COMEDIC DUO: Oh that Hound and Arya. They finally get to the Vale, and when the Hound announces he has Arya Stark, they learn that Lysa died three days ago. CUE THE AMAZING LAUGHTER FROM ARYA. Poor Hound, he is stuck with his little buddy for even longer than he thought. Plan C? And how freaking annoying is it that again two Stark kids are near each other but end up not seeing each other? STOP DOING THIS TO US!
BORING STORY OF THE NIGHT: Tyrion, please don’t waste ten minutes of my time ever again. This is a free pass since you are one of my faves, but seriously that beetle story was boring. Even if it was an analogy for what is currently going on, NEVER TELL IT AGAIN.
MAIN EVENT: The Mountain vs. The Viper. It should be renamed Godzilla vs. Inigo Montoya because that’s really what it turned into. Do not even try to tell me you didn’t think Oberyn was going to say “you killed my father, prepare to die,” at some point during that fight. The fight starts with Prince Obi Wan Banderas doing some mean ass Capoeira. He repeatedly asks the Mountain to admit he killed his sister, raped her, and murdered her children. Ya know, normal requests at combats to the death.
Oberyn knocks the Mountain off his feet and pretty much has the match won, but wants to hear the Mountain talk. MISTAKE! The Mountain trips Oberyn, grabs him by the head, throws him to the ground, and then gouges Prince O face’s eyes out. The Mountain admits to raping his sister, killing her and killing her children, as he smashes Prince Rico Suave’s head into the ground and shattering it into pieces, and OMG HOW DID THEY DO THAT I AM GOING TO VOMIT EVERYWHERE.
Oh yeah and Tyrion has been sentenced to death now. Bloop.
Next week the Wildings are storming the Castle!!!!! Why should we care? No seriously it’s cold up there and really boring! Why do this to us during our summer?! Will Jon and Ygritte face off? Will the Wildlings defeat the outnumbered Night’s Watch? Will anyone come to help the Night’s Watch? Will Tyrion be beheaded? Or will we be stuck with an entire Night’s Watch vs. Wildlings story? Wait is this possible? I just got so upset! Oh well! Find out next week on an all-new Game of Thrones.