Welcome to the second to last episode of HBO’s most popular series, where the Wall meets the Wildlings. In a season full of multiple storylines, this one episode focused solely on the Night’s Watch and the Wildlings attack on the Wall. Good things too because after last week’s mind blowing ending, I certainly needed a break from characters I care about.
That’s right, I hope the Wildlings and the Night’s Watch kill each other out of sheer storyline improvement of never having to see any of them ever again. Call me selfish, but fictional war brings out the worst in me. Like we are really going to miss that guy whose name we can never remember……Sad that you are thinking of someone and he probably died in tonight’s episode and you never knew his name. Yep. Been there. Here are the highlights of tonight’s episode:
SNUFFLEUPAGUS: Snuffy totally had a cameo in this episode, it’s just too bad he died after the Night’s Watch tossed some barrels of oils on him. I don’t think Big Bird will take this well.
WORST DESCRIPTION OF SEX EVER: You really know nothing Jon Snow. Sam asks Jon what it was like to love Ygritte. Basically he wants to know what IT is like. I was waiting for Jon to turn to him and that sex was like “warm apple pie.” Honestly that would have been a better answer than the mumbling incoherent nonsense that came out of Jon’s mouth. Maybe sex with a ginger is really confusing and he is filled solely with shame. Been there.
NIGHT’S WATCH LOOPHOLE: Sam is a genius and figured out that the Night’s Watch pledge includes that they do not breed and do not take a wife. Soooooooo, as long as you wear a condom, don’t slap a ring on it, and never end up on Maury Povich, then really you can screw whomever you’d like. Great!!! Let’s all go have cave sex now.
WHO GETS TO KILL JON SNOW: Ygritte calls dibs on killing Jon Snow. Wow, totally unexpected and a shocking twist…said no one ever. Although her getting called “ginger minge” had to be the best part of that entire conversation.
WHY DO BLIND GUYS KNOW EVERYTHING: Master Aemon Targaryen may be blind, but he sees and knows everything. Don’t you just hate this movie and television cliché? He calls out Sam on the fact that he is in love with Gilly. I am pretty sure even Hodor would be able to figure that out and would even look at Sam to say, “Hodoooooooorr.” Master A also talks about how popular he was with the ladies since he was in line to be King. Wait, so this whole time this guy could be the king and we wouldn’t have to be dealing with this bullsit? WTF old man! Hurry up and meet Dany because ya’ll should talk.
SAM’S BALLS FINALLY DROPPED: Gilly is alive and she made it to Castle Black! And she’s the only woman there….not awkward at all. So she’s terrified because the Wildlings are coming, and Sam leaves her to hide in the Castle. She doesn’t want him to go fight, but he must. To calm her down he kisses her, and someone got game. Hey Sam heyyyyyyy. Boy was that long overdue, but he promises her he will not die. That seems like an extreme promise, but Sam is on a roll here so why not go with it?!
QUICKEST RECAP OF A WAR: Night’s Watch is getting its ass kicked. Lots of them die, lots of them are wounded and this just leaves me to wonder: TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?! Seriously, they should consider just getting wasted next time, it would probably do wonders for the morale of the group.
NEVER DATE ANYONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE A CROSSBOW: If you are ever on a dating site and see Interests: Archery…run in the opposite direction fellas because Ygritte is still one bitter bitch. She shot about 89 people on tonight’s episode, and finally comes face to face with that evil bastard son of a whore, Jon…oh his eyes and hair are so pretty…and she’s dead. Yep, she started looking at his pretty face, and he flashed the pearly whites and in one second she was dead. Well, there are certainly worse ways to go then looking at Jon Snow’s face. She got killed by an eight year old elevator operator. That has to sting a little. She tells Jon that he knows nothing before she dies. We know…we know…shut up about it.
WHERE MY MANCE AT?: The first night of fighting is over, the Wildlings retreat, and Sam thinks they won. Jon quickly explains that this was just night one, and that they are unprepared to keep fighting off the Wildlings. He will leave Castle Black and try to find Mance Rayder to end this. Sam points out that this is not a great idea, but Jon is like, “dude this is Game of Thrones and we are all fucked anyway so let’s just go with this because it’s compelling and the audience are buying it.”
Did you enjoy an entire episode dedicated to the Wall? Well, I didn’t but if you did then here is a slow clap for you! I didn’t mind the episode and the action sequences were fantastic, but the bottom line is that the Wildlings are just trailer trash I cannot stand and the Night’s Watch, apart from Jon and Sam, are all assholes too. Neither side is really rootable, but at least we got to see hundreds of characters we cannot remember die, and the pathetic ginger mess is dead too! Bonus for us!
Next week, will Jon find Mance and end the war? Will Sam finally get laid? Will Tyrion be executed for Joffrey’s death? Why are CERSEI AND JAIME KISSING IN THE PROMO? OMG ARYA IS IN THE PROMO?! CAN I CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT FOR THE FINALE?! NOOOOO I CANNOT. And you won’t be able to either! Tune in next week for the season finale of Game of Thrones!