‘Game of Thrones’ Review: ‘High Sparrow’

Photo credit: HBO

What’s the best term to describe this season of Game of Thrones so far? A gigantic “Ugh”. That’s all I can muster. Aside from a few shocking moments here and there, the story this season so far seems to be dragging on, and the third episode, “High Sparrow” continues the drag.

No one is wowing me…well except that remarkable Jon Snow. Game of Thrones may have spoiled us with the twists and turns, but so far the “twists” of this season are leaving me wanting more. As always here are the highs and lows of Season 5, Episode 3 – High Sparrow:

To Catch a Predator: I never want to see Tommen naked in bed with Margaery until he is older. I felt so awkward watching that scene. It was gross, and he looks 15. Like I really could have done without the heavy breathing and him wanting to have sex every day for the rest of his life. Yes it was funny he is a one minute man, but then I looked at his face and just EW. EW. It’s like if Arya had a sex scene. I am NOT ready!

Queen Marga – Hey, Girl, Hey: Margaery is queen. Again. For the third time, in case you have all forgotten. She goes through husbands like Kleenex. This time it’s a kindergartener that she likes because they share pastimes like snacks and sailing. So he is not gay and he isn’t a sociopath, but he cannot vote or buy cigarettes. Seems like a fair trade off. Tommen is very young and naïve, and clearly Margaery has used her best friend (aka her vagina) to have Tommen do whatever she likes. She’s planting seeds (no pun intended) in his head about his mother and relocating her to Casterly Rock. Cersei is obviously annoyed by the whore Tyrell girl and is playing fake besties with her. While Cersei always gets her way, I am not sure she is a match for Tyrell vagina.

The House of Black and What the F*ck is Going On: I have no idea what Arya is doing there. None. I mean I do, I just didn’t think it would translate on screen to be so freaking boring and weird.  I didn’t sign up to watch her to chores for a whole season and get slapped around by some random, to quote Arya “c**t.”  This is like the time Mr. Miyagi had Daniel- son paint the house and wash the cars. There is a lesson here, and it’s just boring slave labor until we see the results. At least she didn’t give up her sword, but something tells me that will come back to haunt her.

Smelliest Looking Character: Tyrion made a great case for himself, but Theon appeared! And who is happy to see Theon???? Yep, still nobody.

Rudest People to Bust Up an Orgy: Thanks to the Sparrows! So all season we have to deal with you all ruining sex scenes and nudity? Great, well this time the guy was fat and not cute, so I approve. But if I wanted to see a crazy cult forcing people to live by their rules, I’d watch the Scientology documentary. Thanks HBO! And now Cersei is going to use them to her advantage. Don’t trust her! She’s a Suppressive Person!!!

Photo credit: Helen Sloane/HBO

Photo credit: Helen Sloane/HBO

WesterosMingle.Com: Roose Bolton and Petyr Baelish have played matchmaker and there is an engagement in the works! Newly reversed bastard Ramsay and the lovely dumb as rocks Sansa Stark are getting hitched! They’ll be registered at Torturers R’Us and Haireth Dyeth. Will Sansa get over that whole pesky Roose killing her mother and brother thing? Sure this is Westeros. Is Roose just using Sansa to keep his hold on the North? Pretty much. Will Ramsay cut off her fingers and make a necklace out of them? Honestly I can see it happening. Ramsay tells Baelish he will never hurt Sansa. In his mind he probably takes this to mean he will only rape her 5 days a week. This whole alliance between Baelish and Roose is also fishy. Petyr is putting Sansa at risk, but hopefully he has a plan to remove the house of Bolton….Michael Bolton.

Sir Jorah is a Whorah: I am not a fan of you sir. Tyrion finally gets out of another box, cracks jokes, is drinking and starting to become a little like his old self, and then this douchebag has to go and kidnap him! Now he’s going to take him to Daenerys in hopes that she will be grateful that he brought a traitor to her. No Jorah! No! You dumb asshole. She’s just not that into you!

Pod and Brie: They are delightfully cute together, but Arya and the Hound did it better. Brienne is going to train Pod to be a knight, and she also shared her “How I fell in love with Renly” story. Pod is of course awkward and mentions he was gay, and Brienne is like ITS NOT ABOUT THAT! Long story short: Renly danced with her when everyone called her ugly. Now she will avenge his death and kill Stannis. So the next time you call a really tall ugly girl ugly, you all just remember she can come back, and crush you all with her big ass feet.

Jon’s My Wonder Wall: Ok it’s really interesting that the Wall has become the best part of this show. It used to be King’s Landing was the shit, but now the Wall is where it’s at. Jon is the Lord Commander and he is mighty mighty fine. He turns down the offer Stannis had made him last week (become a Stark, take Winterfell, yada yada). Stannis thinks Jon is honorable like his father, which also means he is stupid. Jon again mentions that Winter is coming, and it’s been coming for 5 years now so can we just really get on with it!?!?!  Davos thinks Jon should reconsider Stannis’ proposal since the Night’s Watch is supposed to protect the realm. Jon needs to protect Winterfell from the Boltons. Interesting point from my favorite old guy!

So Jon now gets to run meetings and make decisions, and wear a fur coat like a boss! He is working the crowd, cracking ginger jokes, and even gave his enemy a decent promotion. Alliser Thorne is promoted to First Ranger. All the men cheer and agree, and Alliser seems somewhat pleased. He then appoints Janos Slynt to some crappy task of fixing some cold ass place. Janos refuses and won’t listen. Jon states that it was an order, not a request. Janos continues to be insolent, and Jon simply takes him outside to execute him. Janos screams he is a coward and that he will do as Jon asks, but Jon decides to behead him anyway. BAD. ASS! Hello to the new Jon Snow.

Bring on more deaths and beheadings! Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones!

Amanda Drago
Amanda Drago is a writer at TVSource Magazine. Also known as “Hot Mess Mandy”, she's fan of sarcasm and snark with a Bachelor’s Degree in handling the “cray” and a Masters in real talk. Huge fan of soaps, reality TV, and really any well written show that can handle her short attention span. Usually the trashier the show, the better. Follow her on Twitter at @HotMessMandy

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