Happy Mother’s Day everyone!! And is it not fitting that Queen Dany interacts with her children on today of all days? Raising teenagers is hard, raising teenage dragons is even harder, but at least they will never get other dragons pregnant. Although I am sure they will get MTV reality show deals, that is definitely a given. Also, one of the dragons kind of looks like Macy from Teen Mom OG, but I digress. As always let’s take a look at the highlights of tonight’s show:
Kill the Boy, Let the Man Be Born: Maester Aemon should seriously write greeting cards for Westeros, the man is a poet. Also, he has a valid point. Since Jon Snow knows nothing, he needs to learn shit ASAP. He gives Jon this solid advice as Jon is second guessing himself and the decision he is about to make. Hmmm sounds just like Dany’s problem…interesting. Jon decides that he wants the Wildlings to fight with the Night’s Watch and his men are not pleased with this decision. Remember that fight last year where most of the Night’s Watch died? Yeah I’d be against this plan too. Even Tormund, currently my favorite ginger btw, is like, I am not bowing to you Jon Snow. But obviously this is going to work out gloriously because Jon seems to always end up getting out of trouble even though he really is an idiot at times. And also, WE KNOW WINTER IS COMING SO STOP REMINDING US! God, it’s been five years.
Pressed Bitch Alert: This Miranda girl already has to go. Ramsay has a girlfriend and she’s already jealous of Sansa. What kind of girl is bummed she cannot marry her sadistic sociopath of a boyfriend? This bitch. She even tries to be “friendly” to Sansa, and shows her that Theon is living there in the kennels. I know what you are up to Miranda, and I don’t have time for you and your slutty ways. Look what happened to Shae…
Brie’s A Stage Five Clinger: I admire Brienne and her persistence, but Sansa is just not into you. She needs to stop it! The girl is dumb, go find Arya instead and at least hang out in Braavos, it looks fun. But NOOOOO, she still serves Lady Cat and she will watch over Sansa…..because Baelish doing this isn’t creepy enough. Anywho, Sansa is told to light a candle in the highest tower if she is in trouble, because you know the North never forgets. Yeah and this show won’t ever let us forget that the North doesn’t forget , and oh yeah WINTER IS STILL COMING!
Sansa! Sansa! Sansa!: This entire show focused on this bitch..I am lucky I am still awake. At least it wasn’t about Bran. So Sansa’s life is still worse than 18 Lifetime movies added together. She seems Theon is alive and cue the horrible facial expression and exasperated sigh. Then she has to sit through a dinner with her family’s killers, where Ramsay makes Reek apologize for killing her little brothers. Then she learns Theon will give her away at the wedding. Let’s just give her chronic diarrhea and call it a day folks?
Ramsay is the new Joffrey: I’m not sure who is worse honestly. Both sadists, both think highly of themselves, and both are kind of ugly little boy trolls. However, Ramsay does do better with the ladies. He’s like the Christian Grey of Medieval Times. He finds out that Sansa saw Theon, and forgives Theon for not telling him right away. Honestly in that moment I seriously assumed Ramsay was going to force Theon to give him oral sex. He’s pretty much humiliated him every other way, but clearly he’s taking a “nice” approach.
Awkward Father/Son Moment: Nothing is lovelier than when a father explains to his son that he raped his mother and then changed his mind about drowning said child in a river. It was really a Kodak moment. Roose is having another child with his not so hot wife, and Ramsay is feeling threatened. Roose tells him his birth story as a means of cheering him up…………..Right. They should do this on Dr. Phil and see if it works. Roose cares for Ramsay because there is no doubt that he is his son, and he wants his help defeating Stannis when he arrives at Winterfell. Speaking of Stannis….
Stannis the Mannis: He’s starting to walk around like a pimp and I like it. He might need a white fur and matching hat though. Stannis and Sam meet and discuss the White Walkers. Sam tells him about his experience and he asks Sam to continue researching how to kill them. But load up the beer and the women because Stannis is marching towards Winterfell! In case you didn’t know, BREAKING NEWS: WINTER IS COMING! And Stannis wants to get there before his underwear starts getting frosty. The kids and wives are coming, because who wants to leave them with a bunch of rapists and cons? No one! Dear Lord of Light, protect Stannis even if it means sacrificing the ginger slut from hell. Thanks.
Death Toll: Update from last week, Selmy is dead, and Grey Worm lives. Nice HBO, really appreciate you killing off a character BEFORE HE DIES IN THE BOOK! I’m also looking at you George, also looking at you and your slow writing skills! While I am thrilled Grey Worm is alive, and that he finally expressed in his monotone voice his feelings for Missandei…we know they cannot have all the sexuals because of his ….issues. Since we are just changing everything book related this year can we please have him grow back a penis? What? It could happen now that HBO does whatever it wants!
Mom of the Year: Oh Queen Dany. You don’t just kill her favorite old guy and get away with it. Nope. Let’s round up the heads of all the family’s and have a family BBQ! A good mother never gives up on her children, especially when they are dragons who can murder everyone. She lets the kids eat one leader as an example and imprisons the rest. Pretty bad ass even though Selmy would have advised her against it. Dany asks Missandei for advice too, but ok seriously she never really answered the question. She just told Dany everything she does or doesn’t do. I’m kinda over Dany not knowing what to do every single episode. I get she’s a young Queen and kinda cray sometimes, but I don’t need to see her have the same internal conflict every other week of the show. We get it, she’s young and inexperienced, and we get that WINTER IS COMING! So Dany decides on her own that she will honor the traditions of the people as a way of getting in their favor. She will open the fighting pits…and oh yeah she’s also going to get married to that guy whose name I cannot spell or pronounce, but yeah that guy that keeps asking for the pits. I personally think she can do better but interesting strategy.
Sir Boring and IMP the PIMP: They are still just sailing along, and Tyrion points out that he needs wine because he drinks wine 24/7. Luckily they start bonding as they arrive in Valyria and do their best Shakespearean accents. It’s very touching, and then there is another dragon cameo!! Tyrion is like whoa it’s real. However, the dragon was a distraction as they are both attacked by the Stone Men. Tyrion goes underwater and is pulled down, but Sir Jorah saves him. This doesn’t mean I have to like him again? He finally cuts Tyrion’s hands free (a little late if you ask me) and asks if he was touched by any of the Stone men. Both men say they were not touched, but Jorah is a huge ass liar as per usual! He has greyscale! DANY WILL NEVER SLEEP WITH YOU!!! You have the gross dermatitis!! This is what you get for being a huge butthead!
Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones!