Interesting things are finally happening this week on Game of Thrones. I actually was interested in the entire episode (because Bran hasn’t been mentioned whatsoever, YES!). Has anyone else figured out how they get everywhere so fast given the fact everything looks so far away in the opening credits? I appreciate HBO fast-forwarding everyone’s travel time. Let’s take a look at the highlights of tonight’s episode:
JorUGHHH: I really want to kill this prick. Yes he’s a fictional character, but no one slaps around my little Imp the Pimp. He’s throwing him around like he’s luggage, and no me gusta! Luckily Tyrion annoys Jorah with his humming. The little genius figures out quickly that Jorah is Jorah, and that Dany must have exiled him for his betrayal. Unfortunately for Jorah, Tyrion also was on his way to Dany, so his plan to turn him in to get in her good graces might not actually work. And then he slaps Tyrion. For that he must die in a fire. I’m not kidding…
You Can Always Go…DorneTown: Oh Dorne. Land of orgies and really hot people, aka Spain. I’m just pretending this is Ibiza before all the raves started. Bronn and Jaime are headed that way to rescue his niece, I mean his daughter, no wait it’s still his “niece.” Let’s face it, he doesn’t consider her his kid, he’s really just doing this for Cersei, which makes Jaime really a pathetic piece of crap. I want to like him sometimes, but he needs to realize she’s just not into him anymore. He also says that he will kill Tyrion if he ever sees him again. This is why I cannot like you! They come across some Dornish soldiers and Bronn pretty much defeats them all, and Jaime has trouble dealing with one. They get out of that mess, but as it turns out Oberyn’s daughters are aware of his presence in Dorne. Oberyn’s kids (the Sand Snakes) plan on going to war over their father’s death by targeting Myrcella. First off, Sand Snakes are kinda bad ass and I think Arya would be besties with these girls. Secondly, I hope they at least stab Jaime a little. Myrcella…eh I don’t care about her, and let’s face it she’s probably going to die at some point anyways. I’m not shedding a tear.
Slore of the Week: She’s backkkkkkkk. Oh that crafy ginger witch is back. Melisandre is trying to seduce Jon Snow into coming to Winterfell, and into coming…yeah you get my point. He didn’t go for it despite her whipping out her boobies. To this she replied…”You know nothing Jon Snow.” At least he knew not to sleep with this gross bitch.
Stan the Man: Stannis’ wife is a total bitch. Even Melisandre is nicer to his daughter than her bitch mother. I always like Stannis for some odd reason. He isn’t a good guy, but he isn’t a bad guy either. I know Brienne wants to kill him, and I am totally against it. Can she kill Melisandre instead? She made the smoke baby! Another reason to love Stannis, his relationship with his daughter Shireen. She is bored at the wall and feels unwanted because he mother basically told her she didn’t want her there. Stannis tells her the story of her infection. He bought a doll for her, and it was poisoned, causing the greyscale on her face. He refused to listen to everyone telling him to abandon her, and he never believed she would die. He brought in every doctor and they saved her, and…someone hand me a Kleenex! OMG let him be king! He gets my vote. He might be blinded by the fire crotch, but at least he’s a good dad.
Bye Bye Baelish: Petyr is heading back to King’s Landing to go see Cersei. Wait until he sees how she’s completely ruined his brothel. Before he leaves he talks to Sansa. He tells her a cute story of Lyanna and Rhaegar, to which Sansa replies that he kidnapped and raped her…..mmmhmmm. Sureeeeee. Likely fake story. She’s displeased he is leaving, and he tells her Stannis is coming toward Winterfell and she can rule Winterfell as the surviving heir. Great. Who would put this dumb bitch in charge? Then he kisses her goodbye and she looks like she enjoys it. God I hate this girl! HE IS YOUR CREEPY UNCLE! So undeserving of being the first Mrs. Tyrion Lannister. I hope her roots start showing.
The High Sparrow Tea Party: The Tea Party is in Westeros, and they call themselves Sparrows. Cersei gave them weapons and these religious crazies are arresting all the people we like. By people we like I mean everyone who has ever had sex. She also turns in Sir Loras for being gay, and he is arrested. Margaery is fucking pissed, and Tommen cannot do shit. He’s clueless and when he goes to the High Sparrow to have Loras released he backs down as people shout that he is an abomination. He’s not just an abomination, he’s a freaking coward. Yes he’s 12, but seriously have your balls descended yet? Now see if I was Margaery, I’d grab him by whatever balls he had, lead him to mommy and put it in a vice until he had her incestuous ass thrown in jail too. Who gonna check me boo? And also as a side note: Cersei having gays killed…you just ruined all your street cred! Die bitch.
Old People Can Be Real Sweet: I am woman enough to say that this week…Sir Barristan Selmy could get it. I mean not if he is dead, that was kind of the cliffhanger, but he moved faster than Jaime and killed more people in ten seconds than most have on this show. I hope he’s not dead because he is the only person giving Dany any good advice. The Sons of the Harpy trapped the Unsullied and all were killed except Grey Worm. He was completely surrounded and Selmy stepped in like a boss killing almost everyone, but was wounded in the process. Grey Worm was also hurt so it’s possible both men are dead. They better not both be dead because it would just further highlight my hatred for Jorah who should be the dead one!
Will Jon march with Stannis to Winterfell? Will Sansa get romantic with Ramsey? Will Margaery free her brother? Will the Sand Snakes get their revenge? Will Tommen grow a pair? Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones!