By 
On the Next Jerry Springer: When Your Inbred Children Die Left and Right, Do You Avenge Them?
This is really a serious question for the ages. So your brother that you are sleeping with brings home your dead daughter who is also your niece. Rough way to start the day, not going to lie. Do you deserve all this pain and suffering because you are a horrible beast who deserves to die herself? Yeah, kind of. Cersei is now a paranoid schizophrenic who believes in the prophecy that all her children will die.
I don’t think the prophecy is true, I just think Cersei is a pretentious monster that put all of her children at risk by being a social climber from hell. Plus, her kids are also cousins, so life was always going to suck. The worst part of all of this is Jaime is now trapped under Cersei’s spell again. He is all for their plan of vengeance, but it’s like dude get over it, get out there and start dating someone you did not share a womb with!
Loser of the Week:
I could have picked almost everyone but, Ramsay Bolton lost his wife, his girlfriend, and his personal slave he enjoyed torturing. He also learned that he needs Sansa to produce an heir or he’s kind of in a bad position with his father. Even though he plans on feeding his dead girlfriend’s body to the dogs, you just know all the animals in Winterfell are in T-R-O-U-B-L-E because torture boy needs to get his fix somehow.
Winners of the Week
Well it was just a Sand Snake fiesta for a grand total of 3 minutes. The Prince of Dorne and Prince Trystane were both murdered by the Sand Snakes and their momma. I am actually OK with all of this primarily because they have a right to be angry. These guys were pushovers, and someone should have avenged Oberyn’s death. Also, who doesn’t love Dorne? It’s Spain with massive orgies. Everyone in Westeros should consider retiring there, because the Sand Snakes will at least make this place a little more interesting.
Being a Girl Sucks on This Show
Sad but true, unless you are Brienne (who lives like a dude). Margaery is still being tortured in religious jail. She has to deal with the crazy Septa lady who followed naked Cersei around shouting SHAME. Also, the High Old Dude was staring at her creepily so she’s going to have to find Westeros Jesus soon. Also having a rough go of it, our poor little Arya Stark. Once a little sociopath, she’s now a blind sociopath getting her ass kicked. And last but not least, poor Dany.
The Queen has fallen and has been captured by the Dothraki. She has to listen to men wonder if her carpet matches the drapes, hear everyone talk about raping her, and then gets laughed at for having 19 different titles and nicknames. The new Khal Moro apologizes once he realizes she is Khal Drogo’s widow. No Khaleesi can be touched by another once the Khal has died, so yay she won’t be raped. However, she has to go live with the widows of previous Khals and boy does that sound like so much fun….it is known. Maybe Dany will luck out and she’ll end up in Dorne.
Okay Being a Guy Sucks Too
Tyrion is now in charge of Meereen, and it’s no Dorne. It’s like a constant ride to Vegas, but there is no Vegas there. It’s just desert and slaves. Everyone looks thirsty and dirty. This isn’t fun. Tyrion and Varys discuss how Dany is disliked and Meereen is in a state of unrest. Dany is missing, slaves are complaining, and now all the ships are on FIYAH! Things aren’t any better for the Dynamic Duo looking for Dany either. Daario and Jorah are the worst stalkers ever because they haven’t caught up to Dany yet. They find her ring and realize the Dothraki have her. As a side note: Jorah’s gross stone disease is travelling up his arm. He’s going to be hard in a week. That sounds sexy, but it’s not.
Slore of the Week
My favorite slore (slut/whore for those uninformed) was in prime form this week – Lady Melisandre. So Miss Thing cannot do anything right and she’s bummed. She’s normally an uppity bitch, but she’s been wrong about everything and no amount of smoke coming out of her hoohah will save her now. And just when I thought she was getting naked for no reason whatsoever like she does every other episode on this show something happened. She took off her hideous choker and revealed that she is an old, old, old, old…honestly OLD doesn’t encompass the OLD she was in this scene. So she is now a depressed, decrepit, elderly, naked witch. I never wanted anyone to put a choker back on so badly. DEAR LORD OF LIGHT!
Will Melisandre immediately get a new choker, or reveal her true self to Davros? Will Ramsay find Sansa and Theon and impregnate the both of them? Will every woman on the show get out of the precarious situation they are now in? Will the writers finally resurrect Jon and stop messing with the audience? That last one is doubtful, but tune in next week to an all new Game of Thrones.
Comments