I hate to be one of those negative Nancy’s but “No One” pissed me off. For all those perky positive people I am sure you are wondering why. Well in part it is because I was one of those evil people who read the books before I started the show. It is currently ruining my life! And I think the writers are trolling book readers now so every episode is like a dagger in my heart with the supposed fake hints! But I shall get to that once I tackle some of the highlights of tonight’s episode.
Trial By …Oh She Screwed: Cersei only sent Jaime away because she gave a red rose to the newest Bachelor, the Zombie Mountain. Likes: Crushing people’s skulls, ripping apart bodies, and making men shit their pants. His eyes are also a lovely shade of red with a hint of purple. Dislikes: Anyone who pisses off Cersei, things that aren’t gold, and I am guessing daylight given his skin tone. Currently he’s Cersei’s bestie and when Lancel’s crew stops by for Cersei he makes sure to crush at least one of their skulls. The High Sparrow gets the message and has Tommen push up her trial date and he also outlaws trial by combat……and with that, this bitch is in trouble. I am not a Cersei fan, but I really wanted the big guy to crush all their heads. However, Cersei seems to have a backup plan which means we’ll go back to hating her even more pretty soon. Side note: Tommen, screwing over your mom is not cool, she actually likes you.
The Imp Lost His Mojo: I haven’t wanted to admit it, but Meereen has made my boy Tyrion dumb. He is bored and has nothing to do, he needs a real challenge. Varys has left him to find allies with ships (The Greyjoys, duh!) and he is currently preoccupied with making Grey Worm and Missandei get drunk and entertain him. Long story short, she likes booze and GW finally cracked a smile. Unfortunately the Masters are attacking Meereen because they want their slaves back. Ooops. Well Tyrion was wrong, but lucky for him a huge dragon parked outside and Dany is back to save the day!
Don’t Cheat on Tormund: Brienne better not cheat on her new boyfriend Tormund with Jaime. Brienne stop it, he likes family! The only saving grace of this storyline was Bronn and Pod reuniting and having some fun. Even they think Jaime and Brienne might have a thang! The sexual tension just builds as Brienne and Jaime argue over Riverrun. She wants to speak to the Blackfish to convince him to go North and fight alongside Sansa. He okays this plan, and Brienne tries to return his sword. He says it is hers and always will be. Ughhhhhh, this would be tolerable if Jaime was the Jaime from the books and he finally hated Cersei, not this p—- whipped douchebag before us.
Guess Who Isn’t Leaving Riverrun: Yeah the Blackfish ain’t leaving. But he does think Sansa is just like Catelyn, who is mentioned about 9000 times to mu frustration tonight…but I will get to that later.
Jaime Has A Mom Fetish: That’s all I got out of his big speech tonight. My bad. He meets with Edmure, who wonders how Jaime can make promises and not realize he’s full of shit and is an evil scumbag. That was the gist. Jaime then says he admired Catelyn and he admires Cersei because they were creepishly overprotective of their kids. Let’s be real folks, both these ladies were all up in their kid’s grills. But at the end of the day, Jaime is just a weirdo who still thinks he’s in love with his sister. He returns Edmure to Riverrun where Edmure forces his men to surrender. Great another coward. The Blackfish helps Brienne and Pod escape, but he dies in battle defending his home. Jaime sees them escape and says nothing, but waves goodbye. That’s right its goodbye, you missed out on that you sister loving dickhead.
Brotherhood without Lady Stoneheart: I won’t mince words, and spoilers are ahead but I want Lady Stoneheart on this show! I can’t take this constant trolling that she might appear. I won’t spoil who she is cause blahhh but they keep hinting she is going to make an appearance, even introducing all the characters in her freaking storyline! But is she here? Nope, will she pop up in the finale? Doubtful but I’m still praying to the Lord of Light it will happen. Back to the show, the Hound is looking for these guys, and disemboweling them for fun because they murdered his new friends. He finds the real BWB hanging the bad guys from last week and Beric (who hasn’t appeared since season 3) lets him kill two of the three men, but only by hanging. Side note again: Beric still being leader sucks for my Stoneheart appearance, but I digress. Beric wants the Hound to join the Brotherhood, since they are traveling North to face something that sucks… sounds like White Walkers. Hasn’t the Hound been through enough?
Arya Stark Is Back Bitches: So Arya really got stabbed last week and it wasn’t some weird plan of hers to trap the Waif. Lady Crane finds Arya and nurses her back to health. She wants to adopt Arya basically, but Arya says she cannot go with them because of the danger involved. Arya would love to go west of Westeros to parts unknown. None of this matters because the Waif stops by and kills the super nice Lady Crane. A chase ensues and Arya fights the Waif in the dark with Needle. Arya brings that bitch’s face to Jaqen and he congratulates her on being no one, no oneeeee ala Alicia Keys. She replies that she is Arya Stark of Winterfell and she is going home. A girl finally learned how to be a boss bitch and ditch these faceless mofos.
Where will Arya go next? What will Dany do now that she has returned? Will Brienne return in time to fight for Winterfell? Will Lady Stoneheart stop trolling me? Who will win the battle of the bastards, Ramsay or Jon? No seriously, who do I have to sleep with at HBO to get Lady Stoneheart on the show?! Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones.